A Dungeons & Dragons player found himself in big trouble recently. Bear with us, here: His druid character had grown quite attached to a pet donkey, but the Dungeon Master apparently had it in for the poor animal, and kept concocting plans to take its life. “Help,” our druid begged Reddit’s D&D forum. They had to save the donkey.
Unfortunately, the quest might just be futile. The Dungeon Master is the all-powerful arbiter of the game’s plot. The players can only control their own characters, but the DM has carte blanche to take the lives of innocent, non-player donkeys. But if the druid can’t protect his asinine friend, you can be damn sure he’ll avenge it.
The top response to his plea is an elaborate step-by-step plan for getting revenge on the Dungeon Master by gradually growing more powerful and, instead of cooperating with the campaign as planned, burning the whole game world down in the donkey’s name. It’s a stunning and poetic prescription for retribution that begins with “intimidation” and ends in “everlasting night.”
OK, first things first, the donkey is going to die. I know its a rough realization but its going to happen. The DM is all-powerful, there really isn’t anything you can do to prevent plot death. However, we can get even with the all powerful DM.
Step 1. Intimidation
DM’s are pretty immune themselves however you can bring the fear into their soul with a few easy steps. As soon as Donkey dies you need to set a precedence that he just fucked up. Look him strait in the eyes and inform him “This is how evil druids are made.” That right there will let him know that you are unpredictable, that’s the worst thing for a DM you can crush their well planned out story and plot with the flick of a wrist. Its go time. Operation destabilization. Do you smell the Roc that you are cookin’? One Fish, Two fish, Fireball that dinner dish. I think you get me. Next step.
Step 2. Bring it down, the campaign
The DM is going to be running some story/campaign, but that doesn’t matter to you anymore. This is now the story of the Druid who lost Donkey. Some far off Kingdom is to be assaulted by demons that sprouted after a strange rock fell from the sky? Not your concern, the fact that the vile humans still live after the loss of your Donkey is all that remains in your mind. We’re going operation haywire here, we need to return the land to nature. Huge city with towers/walls to protect from the wilds? Would be a shame if you planted red-wood seeds and plant growth-ed them through the foundations. Would be even more of a shame if you used stone shape to warp the foundation so the towers collapsed. Go into the forest and persuade the worst predators to their new hunting ground. Donkey was love, Donkey was life, now there’s nothing but nature’s strife.
Step 3. The end is neigh
At this point you’ve demolished entire regions as revenge for Donkey, but that is not enough. No one can know your pain, you’ve dropped your former moniker of “Druid” and now call yourself “Abaddon, the coming death”. In your wake you leave a feast for your bestial army made of Chimera, Satyr, Minotaur, Wyvern and untold horrors from above and below. Scorch the fields that man has so pompously claimed as his own. Burn the cities that they constructed using the bark of nature. Burn the world, nothing can fill your hate seared heart. The world is a savage and cruel place, you will return it to that state and reveal peoples true inner savagery.
Step 4. Everlasting Night
Your body ages at a rate ten times slower than the average person and it has been centuries. Nature rules supreme as the world intended. You sit upon your throne of skulls and snuff out any settlements that spring up. But it has been a long time, you’re frail now and though you can change into mighty beasts you grow weary. It is time for your final slumber. You look over the lands you have created. You lie on your final resting place, there is no on there beside you. There never was after Donkey. Before the last breath escapes your lips you think back and know “It was for Donkey, it was always for Donkey”.
This Dungeon Master is going to rue the day he decided to mess with his player’s favorite ass.