Trump’s Technology Plan Is to ‘Go See Bill Gates’ to ‘Close That Internet Up’

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In the same speech in which he pitched a xenophobic plan to ban all Muslim immigration to the United States, overripe holiday persimmon Donald Trump also introduced another unhinged plans for fighting terrorism: “closing [the] Internet up.” ISIS is recruiting there, you know. Might as well turn the damn thing off and call it a day.

We’re losing a lot of people because of the internet. And we have to do something,” Trump said.

Fortunately, Trump knows exactly who can protect the American people from the internet: his fellow billionaire, software pioneer Bill Gates. Who, unbeknownst to many, is also a counterterrorism expert and controls the switch that turns the internet on and off, I guess?

We have to go see Bill Gates and a lot of different people that really understand what’s happening. We have to talk to them. Maybe in certain areas, closing that internet up in some way.”

But what about free speech, you ask? Wasn’t the internet supposed to be the most democratic of all technologies? Don’t we (kinda, sorta) have net neutrality? These are foolish questions from the mouth of a fool, sayeth the Donald.

Somebody will say, ‘Oh, freedom of speech, freedom of speech.’ These are foolish people, we have a lot of foolish people. We’ve got to maybe do something with the internet because they’re recruiting by the thousands …”

Maybe he’s right. Just burn it all down. It’s mostly coverage of the latest mile markers on Donald Trump’s casual jog toward fascism, anyway.