You Will Be Outraged by the Shocking, Disgusting Story of This Man Who Bought Pizza

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Stack of pizza boxes
Photo: Corbis

Of all the morally depraved, deeply offensive, outrage-worthy things you might click on today: This could be the worst.

A guy who goes by sad_tree on Twitter relived the strangest thing he saw in five years working at Philadelphia Style Pizza and Subs: a regular customer who insisted on ordering two cheese pizzas and carrying them vertically under his arms, no matter what the employees tried to stop him.

I’ve never hated anyone in my life except this next guy,” the story starts. And if you’re looking for a satisfying, sensible explanation at the end, don’t. Sad_tree and his co-workers never got one.

This story has everything: pizza, suspense, and a crazy person doing an inexplicable and upsetting thing. And you have to admit it wouldn’t be quite as interesting as a wall of text. Best-case scenario: We see a decrease in essay-style “tweetstorms” that should just be blog posts, but bizarre stories like this one and Zola’s stripper saga stick around and become the folk legends of our generation.

The tweetstorms, the odious practice of splitting bad opinions across multiple (usually numbered) tweets, is a much-maligned form that may fade away when Twitter adds the option of 10,000-character tweets. It largely won’t be missed. But if we lose funny multi-tweet narratives like Zola’s Story and this — stories that rely on the peculiar aphoristic cadence of 140-character busts — then it might be time to move to Peach.