One of the stupidest things I’ve done in recent memory is preorder fast food. I don’t even know what I preordered. I did this today, when Taco Bell — the most social-media-savvy of the major fast-food chains — posted a link to a preorder page.
On the page is just a black box emblazoned with a question mark. I don’t even know what’s in the damn box, but I have committed to spending $2.99 to find out.
“You’ll get to taste it on Saturday, February 6. That’s two days before the rest of the world,” they say.
“Cool cool cool cool cool, can’t wait,” is what I say. “Extremely good stuff.”
This is the tech hell we live in. I gave my email address to a major food conglomerate so I could reserve a mystery food item, which I will be able to pick up using an app on my phone later this week. The process by which I order food (which, reminder, I need to live) is now the same process by which I might preorder the next Pokémon game. I will place the food in my mouth and let it travel down my esophagus. My body will then absorb any nutrients contained in the food and expel what’s left over.
Taco Bell is no stranger to viral food stunts, which are now a staple of their menu: the Doritos Locos Taco, the ill-fated waffle taco for breakfast, and so on and so forth, from now until the end of time, both in store and on the app.
Which of these revolting flesh slurries will I get to taste?
- Taco Bell Crunchwrap Slim Jim Slam
- Taco Bell Quesadilla Del Snickers
- Taco Bell Reverse Burrito
- Taco Bell Pepsi Carne A-Soda Steak Bubbler
- Taco Bell Monster Energy Charged-Up Chimichanga
- Taco Bell Egg Blast
- Taco Bell Haribo Cheese ’n Bean ’n Sour Spaghetti Gordita Chomper
- Taco Bell Ragu Limited Edition “Mama Mia!” Disgusting Taquitos
- Taco Bell Jello “Film From the Top of Jello” Nugs
- Taco Bell General Electric Pant Blaster
- Taco Bell Limited Edition Ru Paul Chalupa
- Taco Bell Reddit Dorito Dust Intravenous Flavor Drip
- Taco Bell Monsanto GMO OMG Taco Sliders
- Taco Bell DJ Khaled 🔑-Sadilla
- Taco Bell Very Very Verde Green Apple Churros Perezosos
- Taco Bell Nestlé Toll House Choco-Chalupa Slurp Zone
(The answer, in all likelihood, is a Quesalupa.)