This Is Just a Great Story About a Man and His Dog, or, Actually, a Lady Cat-Wizard and a Dog

worst part of Skyrim was when I found that dog whose owner died in a cabin, and then I of course had to adopt the dog bc i'm not a monster

— Patrick Lenton (@PatrickLenton) April 5, 2016

@PatrickLenton and I fucking love this dog, but i'm wondering around trying to solve quests and save the world and junk, but this good dog

— Patrick Lenton (@PatrickLenton) April 5, 2016

@PatrickLenton this good dog always tries to help out fighting giants and dragons, and it's like 'NO DON'T HURT MY DOG'

— Patrick Lenton (@PatrickLenton) April 5, 2016

@PatrickLenton and i have to fight like 300% harder to save my dog from being eaten by a dragon and i've honestly never been so anxious

— Patrick Lenton (@PatrickLenton) April 5, 2016

@PatrickLenton so then I find out that I can build a homestead and my dog can live there, so the next four days of my life are building shit

— Patrick Lenton (@PatrickLenton) April 5, 2016

@PatrickLenton while bandits and dragons still attack my dog while i'm bloody mining ore and building a goddamn solarium for my pooch

— Patrick Lenton (@PatrickLenton) April 5, 2016

@PatrickLenton and then the dog won't stay in the house, and I discover I have to adopt a child first, and the child has to like my dog

— Patrick Lenton (@PatrickLenton) April 5, 2016

@PatrickLenton so i go to an orphanage, to discover they are being mistreated by an evil woman, so I kill her

— Patrick Lenton (@PatrickLenton) April 5, 2016

@PatrickLenton but then I can't adopt a child any more because they are free! So I wander Skyrim looking for a parent-free child somewhere

— Patrick Lenton (@PatrickLenton) April 5, 2016

@PatrickLenton and I don't even like children

— Patrick Lenton (@PatrickLenton) April 5, 2016

@PatrickLenton and then finally I find some girl begging in Whiterun, and she's all like 'thanks Mum!' (I play a lady cat-wizard)

— Patrick Lenton (@PatrickLenton) April 5, 2016

@PatrickLenton and then I discover that the girl WON'T MOVE INTO MY HOUSE BECAUSE I DIDN'T MAKE A PROPER BED FOR HER

— Patrick Lenton (@PatrickLenton) April 5, 2016

@PatrickLenton SO I DECIDE TO BUILD A NEW HOUSE, ON A FUCKING LAKE BECAUSE I FIGURE IT WILL BE A GOOD PLACE TO RAISE CHILDREN OR WHATEVER

— Patrick Lenton (@PatrickLenton) April 5, 2016

@PatrickLenton BUT FIRST I HAVE TO BECOME A THANE OF FALKREATH AND DO ALL THESE QUESTS TO HELP PEOPLE BEFORE THEY GIVE ME A PLOT OF LAND

— Patrick Lenton (@PatrickLenton) April 5, 2016

@PatrickLenton and my dog is STILL following me around STILL nearly dying in every fight, and I'm just a tense, scared motherfucker

— Patrick Lenton (@PatrickLenton) April 5, 2016

@PatrickLenton anyway, then I meet another goddamn dog on the road, but it's a fucking demon dog, and it comes with me too

— Patrick Lenton (@PatrickLenton) April 5, 2016

@PatrickLenton and it's like - months have passed by in the game, the world is being invaded by dragons, and I'm just focused on real estate

— Patrick Lenton (@PatrickLenton) April 5, 2016

@PatrickLenton finally i build my new lakefront house, and go find my daughter (who has been living on the streets for about two months)

— Patrick Lenton (@PatrickLenton) April 5, 2016

@PatrickLenton it's like - LITERALLY, beggars can't be choosers, but bc i didn't make a nice bed for her, she sleeps on a bench in Whiterun

— Patrick Lenton (@PatrickLenton) April 5, 2016

@PatrickLenton and she moves in to my house, which is right next to a cave of wolves and a necromancers summoning circle, but whatev

— Patrick Lenton (@PatrickLenton) April 5, 2016

@PatrickLenton and I walk into the house, with my goddamn dog, waiting for her to adopt my dog so I can go save the world

— Patrick Lenton (@PatrickLenton) April 5, 2016

@PatrickLenton and she's ADOPTED A FUCKING RAT

— Patrick Lenton (@PatrickLenton) April 5, 2016

@PatrickLenton THERE IS THIS GORGEOUS, BRAVE DOG WHO JUST WANTS TO SETTLE DOWN IN FRONT OF A HEARTH

— Patrick Lenton (@PatrickLenton) April 5, 2016

@PatrickLenton AND SHE'S FLOUNCING AROUND WITH A GIANT RAT

— Patrick Lenton (@PatrickLenton) April 5, 2016

@PatrickLenton in the meantime, I get married to a lady named Mjoll the Lioness, bc she's hot to trot and will be a good lesbian mother

— Patrick Lenton (@PatrickLenton) April 5, 2016

@PatrickLenton and weirdly, her 'friend' Aerin, moves into our house too

— Patrick Lenton (@PatrickLenton) April 5, 2016

@PatrickLenton and it's like - do we have a polyamorous relationship and are raising our homeless daughter and her rat? bc that's cool

— Patrick Lenton (@PatrickLenton) April 5, 2016

@PatrickLenton so I'm like 'i'll go and find a brother for my new daughter' and he can adopt the dog. Hopefully.

— Patrick Lenton (@PatrickLenton) April 5, 2016

@PatrickLenton and it works out - the boy wants my dog, my dog likes the boy, everything is fine, the dog has been successfully adopted.

— Patrick Lenton (@PatrickLenton) April 5, 2016

@PatrickLenton and finally i can go back to being the saviour of Tamriel.

— Patrick Lenton (@PatrickLenton) April 5, 2016

@PatrickLenton although I then discover that Mjoll's "friend" Aerin keeps yelling 'stupid dog' at my gorgeous dog.

— Patrick Lenton (@PatrickLenton) April 5, 2016

@PatrickLenton so I waited until he was outside and I try to make him fuck off back to his OWN HOUSE

— Patrick Lenton (@PatrickLenton) April 5, 2016

@PatrickLenton my theory was that I could shout him into the lake? anyway, I misjudged and shouted him into the necromancer circle

— Patrick Lenton (@PatrickLenton) April 5, 2016

@PatrickLenton and he died

— Patrick Lenton (@PatrickLenton) April 5, 2016

@PatrickLenton and my wife saw me kill him, and attacked me, and I didn't want to kill her, so i ran away

— Patrick Lenton (@PatrickLenton) April 5, 2016

@PatrickLenton so I just never went back to my house, but even though I destroyed my marriage and killed a man

— Patrick Lenton (@PatrickLenton) April 5, 2016

@PatrickLenton i know that my dog is safe.

THE END. THANK YOU

— Patrick Lenton (@PatrickLenton) April 5, 2016