Hoverboarding Man-Child Demands His 5 a.m. Tostitos and Pop-Tarts

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In case you needed further proof that nothing good ever happened on a hoverboard, I present to you: Tostitos Tyler.

A video of Tostitos Tyler (not his real name) hit Reddit last night and has already been viewed 50,000 times. It depicts the dramatic scene at a West Hollywood convenience store at 5 a.m., as a hoverboarder with a dog pursues three of life’s most essential food products: pasta, Pop-Tarts, and, of course, Tostitos.

It’s terrible, and you should never aspire to be anything like Tostitos Tyler. But there is also something about watching this guy with a half-formed man-bun riding a hoverboard while screaming “Tostitos! that I can’t stop watching.

For your reading pleasure, here’s a full transcript of Tostitos Tyler’s rant. The dramatic apex comes when it’s revealed that this is not the first time Tostitos Tyler has battled with this particular West Hollywood gas-station clerk. (Warning: NSFW language. Tostitos Tyler doesn’t fuck around.)

I want the long ones. Yes, the long ones. It’s linguine, yes. Yeah, that’s fine. Wait, no, that one’s spaghetti. Not the fettuccini; that one is the spaghetti. Yes. Yes.

You just gotta quit the attitude, man. No, don’t fuckin’ do that. I come here and I’m … I’m totally calm [jazz hands], and you roll your eyes and shit when I ask you to go get stuff.

I get that. So maybe if you work at nighttime, you should be a little bit more … why are you arguing with me? I am the fucking customer, you should not talk to me like this. You get that. I come up here calm as hell asking you to do something for me and get something for me. You roll your fucking eyes at me.

I don’t need you to open the door. Oh my God. Oh my God. All right … You’re … That one. I need that one. And I also need a Pop-Tart. The S’mores Pop-Tart, right over there.

What? It’s a Pop-Tart. Right there. S’mores. The one Pop-Tart right there. No! [Bangs on window.] Pop-Tart! Yes.

That’s — dude. Yes. I — yes. The first one you grabbed, man. That one. Yes.

Okay, that’s not four dollars, yet, is it?

That’s not for me, I understand that. The last thing I need is a bag of Tostitos. Tostitos. It’s a bag of chips. Corn tortilla chips. I get that. Come on. Fucking ridiculous.

TOSTITOS! TOSTITOS corn chips. Wow, dude. How do you even work here? NO! Fucking Tostitos corn chips! Yes! See where it says Tostitos on it? Don’t fucking tell me, that’s why. You don’t know how to fucking read, man. God, you’re a fucking re [strangled noise]. Oh my God.

You do this every fucking night, like I’m an asshole. I come here calmly, asking you to do things and then you roll your fucking eyes at me. Shit. No, don’t fucking call me your friend. Listen, I already talked to your boss about you. You’re disrespectful at night. Okay! You’re disrespectful at night. You don’t do your fucking job. You walk around, take your time, and you roll your eyes at people.

No, no, you don’t. You have an attitude. On top of that, you can’t read.

Put my shit in the fucking — you’re the only one who gives me shit. What?

You gotta get your fucking shit together, man. I don’t wanna, like, fucking get you in trouble, but you need to stop fucking treating people like shit. I know you don’t wanna get in trouble. How about you say, “Sorry for being an asshole”? Or just “sorry”?

All right, buddy, you wanna do it like that? Say you’re sorry! That’s all you gotta do. Excuse me!

After the unlucky cashier, I think I feel worst of all for Tostitos Tyler’s dog, who had to sit through this whole ordeal leashed to a dude ranting on a hoverboard.