Please, Don’t Put Bluetooth in Our Shoes

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Dear Mr. Chuck Taylor,

There are many non-computer objects in our world that have been, unnecessarily, connected to computers. (A bottle opener that texts your friends when you open a beer. A toothbrush that films the inside of your mouth.) Mr. Taylor: Shoes do not have to be among these objects. Especially not yours. Please do not force our beloved Converse high-tops to suffer the same fate.

The Converse All Wah, a sneaker with Bluetooth capabilities that connects wirelessly to a wah-wah pedal (a device that distorts guitar sounds depending on how you press on it) when the wearer moves his foot up and down, sounds innovative and very 2016. But it also seems a bit, um, impractical. I don’t care how cool Dinosaur Jr.’s J Mascis makes it look. (The man infamously drives a Subaru, so he definitely knows what’s up.)

Maybe it’s the two amp cords that plug into either side of the sneaker or the distinct possibility that said cords could lead to an influx of unintended stage dives, but the high-tech high-tops seem potentially dangerous and just plain unnecessary. (What if you want to walk around the stage without engaging the pedal? Can you turn the feature off?)

I know the shoes are just a prototype and have not been, and might not be, released to the general public. But let me respectfully say, Mr. Taylor, that this is a thing nobody actually needs. People have been wearing your shoes since 1917. I promise we won’t stop if they don’t rocket into the 21st century.

Kindly,

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