It Is Enjoyable Watching Animals Play Terrible Basketball Defense

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Photo: COLDGAMEKELV/Twitter

Recently, I came across a video which reveled in the humiliation of a hapless squirrel:

Here, watch it again:

Notice how the squirrel pathetically tries to steal the ball, only for the ball-handler to effortlessly cross back to the left and head straight to the hoop for an easy layup. It will be awhile before that squirrel shows its lazy-defense-playing face on the basketball court again.

Naturally, this video raised an important question: Are there other, similar videos of animals getting served on the basketball court? Yes. Yes there are.

Take, for example, this video of Kelvin Peña and his deer-friend, Money — you can read more about their inspiring relationship here — playing one-on-one:

Sometimes, it is hard to interpret what animals are thinking, but here it isn’t. Money is thinking to himself, I can choose to face what’s coming — can choose to get served — or I can flee to the woods, where there are no basketballs and I will be safe. Money makes the right choice.

The cynical viewer could point to a problem with both these clips: The animals aren’t fully engaged in the defensive task at hand. One of them makes a lackadaisical effort at a steal and then gives up; the other literally bolts from the scene after a couple through-the-legs dribbles. How about a video where the animal in question is clearly trying to not get served, and yet gets served regardless?

Okay:

Getting your ankles broken is the ultimate mark of humiliation on the basketball court, and the fact that the dog pops right back up, acting like everything’s okay — as though everyone didn’t just see what everyone in fact just saw — doesn’t make it any better. It is time for Fido’s basketball career to be taken to the pound and given a quick, painless death. It’s the only humane thing to do.

Let’s end on a slightly less embarrassing note:

This dog isn’t where it needs to be, defensively. It still spends too much time looking at the ball-handler with a dumb, dopey expression on its face. But there’s raw talent there — you can tell, especially at 00:28, when the pooch briefly turns the tables and schools its owner with a slick through-his-legs move. And since the video was shot more than four years ago, who knows where that dog is now in his basketball career? Maybe there is hope yet for animals trying to not get served all the time.