Liam Smyth needs your money. His cause is extremely just, assuming his tale is to be believed. Smyth is crowdfunding £200 on GoFundMe to fix his bathroom window, after a first date went very, very wrong. If you were to send a telegram explaining the night’s events, it would read, “Date. Threw poop. Body stuck in window. Fire department called.” We’ve got the luxury of a few more words, so let’s walk through the insane series of events that left Smyth with a broken window and in need of some cash.
Smyth’s Tinder date was going well when the pair decided to head back to his place “for a bottle of wine and a scientology documentary,” he explains on the campaign’s page. At one point, his date left to go to the bathroom. This is when things, literally, started going to shit. When the date came back, Smyth said she told him she had pooped and the toilet wouldn’t flush. Instead, she had decided to throw said feces out his bathroom window. Smyth played it cool, telling his date they could just go outside, clean up the poop, and return to their date. But as it turns out, Smyth’s bathroom window isn’t a real window. Instead, it leads to another piece of glass — which doesn’t open — creating a foot-wide shaft between the two.
“Being an amateur gymnast, she was convinced that she could reach into the window and pull the poo out,” Smyth writes. “She climbed in head first after her own turd, reached deeper into the window, bagged it up, and passed it out, over the top and back into the toilet from whence it came.” Then she tried to shimmy — this entire process is photo-documented — back out of the window. This part, reader, did not go so well. After 15 minutes, Smyth called the fire department, which came and rescued his date. (She remains anonymous because wouldn’t you want to be anonymous in this story.) The window was destroyed in the process.
Which is why Smyth needs your money. Estimates for repair are “north of £300” and Smyth says any money raised beyond those costs will be split between two charities. One that benefits the firefighters, and the other an organization that brings flushing toilets to communities in need.