The Real Victims of the False Missile Alert Were Hawaiian Masturbators

For a little over a half an hour over the weekend, people in Hawaii lived in fear of an impending missile strike. The state’s Emergency Management Agency erroneously sent out a text alert warning people that they were about to be nuked. Except, they weren’t. The alert was sent in error — blame the EMA’s truly awful system design — and everything was actually business as usual. For those 30 or so minutes, traffic on Pornhub dropped dramatically, with numbers 77 percent lower than a typical Saturday morning on the site. Fifteen minutes after the whoopsies, this was a false alarm alert was sent, views spiked by 48 percent.

It’s also possible that more people had woken up by 9:01 a.m. on that particular Saturday morning and decided to, uh, log on. Either way, who are we to judge the people of Hawaii who were just looking for an outlet to channel all of that pent up Oh, wow, I’m not actually going to die today energy. Thank god the FCC hasn’t ruined free porn yet.

The Real Victims of False Nuke Alert: Hawaiian Masturbators