The 2002 movie The Ring involves a mysterious videotape that will kill whoever views it. For years, many dismissed the fabled tape as a work of fiction, a plot device in a scary movie and nothing more.
I have bad news, however. The accursed internet has led me to a video so dark and emanating such a strong evil aura that I feel that to not warn everyone of this footage is to have blood on my hands. I feel that in many ways, I am too late — the video has already been viewed more than 100 million times. That’s 100 million lost souls.
I do not know how this video made its way to me, but I do know that I now measure my life in BV and AV — Before Video and After Video.
The video comes from LHack TV, which posts, “Life hacks, DIY, tricks and experiments, all in one channel.” I do not know anything else about LHack other than that they have probably committed many sins against their fellow man and against God.
I present to you: “8 AWESOME COCA COLA TRICKS!” Watch at your own peril.
First of all, what? This is the most cursed ten minutes I’ve seen in my life. Every part of it is wild. Some of the ideas are just interesting and some of them are the most insane thing I’ve ever seen, and they alternate with a nonchalant frequency that is alarming. Like, this guy thinks all of these ideas are the same level of normal and I can assure you they are not. They are all insane??? They make me want to peel off my skin?
The first lifehack is that The Hands fold up a piece of paper so that it’s solid enough to pop a Coke bottle cap off, and then he fills the cap with hot glue and then slaps a magnet on it. Sure. Normal. Seems like a lot of effort for a bottle-cap magnet, but so far so good.
Okay, lifehack No. 2 involves some sort of Coke gelatin. I guess? Now there’s toothpaste, and you’re … squeezing the toothpaste into a cup? And now the Coke Jell-O is going into the toothpaste tube? Oh no. No no no no no. (At this point in the video, Select All editor Madison Malone Kircher, who was watching too, was audibly gagging.) This whole endeavor is a nightmare. And then the Coke Jell-O’s just going onto a block of ice cream? What?
Wow! That was truly terrible. Good thing we’re almost done with this video … You’re telling me we’re not even a third of the way through it? Jesus Christ. What’s next? Just a pin made out of a Coke bottle cap. It looks really dumb but at least it won’t tear up your insides like the Coke Jell-O. Fine. This one gets a pass.
Up next, we’re boring a hole into a Tic Tac container. At this point, I have learned to stop asking questions and I am worried that the scalpel will come out of the screen and kill me. In some ways, I am hoping for this outcome. Why are we putting the hole in the Tic Tac holder? So that we can turn it into a spray bottle, of course, and wipe down our stainless steel faucets. It is weird that The Hands had a spray nozzle but not a bottle to hold the Coke, but I’m done asking questions. To stop watching this video now would be like unplugging an Xbox while it’s saving the game; I risk damaging my brain irreversibly.
At least we’re halfway there.
The Hands just … stuck a pin in a bottle top and spun it. It’s a top made from a top. Cute. My vision is going blurry, and I think it’s related to this video.
Next up, a bowl of eggs. Fuck. This is without a doubt the most cursed video on the planet and, I’m pretty sure, in the solar system. We’re emptying the eggs … why are we emptying the eggs? Because we’re making more Coke Jell— OH NO. I know what is happening. We’re making Coke Jell-O Eggs? Using real eggs???? Just buy a mold!!!!! Please! The site of The Hands peeling a Coke Jell-O Egg has broken me. The egg disappears, and comes back with a huge bite taken out of it. YouTube was a mistake.
Last lifehack. Almost at the finish line. More hot glue this time. Sure. And a lollipop? At least there’s no gelatin horrors… yet. The Hands stick the lollipop in the cap, which is embossed with a heart. It’s a stamp … made out of a lollipop and a Coke cap. Sure. If MacGyver needed to suddenly make a heart stamp and all he had was a bottle cap and a lollipop and a hot glue gun then this video makes perfect sense.
Well, that was the worst thing I’ve ever seen in my wretched existence, and I can’t wait for what’s next. Oh? The Hands have blessed us with “9 LIFE HACKS WITH COCA COLA!” Perfect.
