Bridal Do's and Dont's

Now that you've started planning, every one has something to say. Before you know it, you'll want to hide your engagement ring so you can escape the endless stream of ideas, advice, recommendations and opinions. But before you do anything rash, here's some more advice.

• By Stephanie Jones
• Published 2004

DO make a list of wedding priorities with your fiancé.
It's a great way to spend a quiet evening with your future husband. Start by closing your eyes and imagining your perfect wedding. Then, break it down into pieces, asking yourselves specific questions about the ceremony and the reception. What kind of atmosphere do you want—ultra formal or more casual? How important is the location and setting—a cozy winter retreat or a sunny seaside celebration? Who are the people you most want to celebrate with? How important are the food and drink? These questions led my fiancé and I to our top priority: a casual, fun atmosphere that can only be created by our closest friends and family. This became our guiding principle, even as the quest for the perfect location took us from Maine to Manhattan.

DO trust your fiancé to help with the wedding.
This is very hard if you're even a minor control-freak. But you will need help and he's the right man for the job. I finally broke down after about two months of planning. I was overwhelmed with catering menus, venue visits, photographers; I needed help. Recruiting my future husband seemed logical, so I asked Joe to find a DJ. Two weeks later, no news. I didn't know if he was researching, making phone calls, interviewing, or what. So I became convinced that he would never get around to doing anything. Joe was useless I would have to plan the whole wedding by myself. But I couldn't do it all, so I had no choice but to shut up and let him do it his way. After all, I wouldn't be marrying Joe if he couldn't even handle booking a DJ. Luckily for Joe, he found a very cool, very reasonably-priced DJ six months before the wedding.

DO be calm and firm about your guest list.
And make sure your fiancé is firm too. You'll want to start the guest list discussions early, even before you have a wedding date, so you can be sure no one gets left out. You and your fiancé should decide on a number, and make sure you have specific reasons for it—atmosphere, budget, space limitations, whatever. Have a face-to-face discussion with both families, and ask them for a list of people they'd like to invite. Depending on your family politics (and depending on who's paying for the wedding) you might give your families a guest limit at the outset. The first round of submissions will be larger than you'd like (my parents gave me a list of 60 people to invite to my 100-person wedding) and here's where it's important to remain calm. Keep in mind your families want to share your big day with everyone they know because they love you.

DO be sure to give the ceremony and the reception equal consideration.
This seems obvious, but because the reception is longer and involves food, you'll dedicate a lot more planning time to it and the ceremony can easily get lost. But the ceremony is the whole reason for this hoopla in the first place! So take some time to imagine it every once in a while. Imagine your fiancé waiting anxiously at the end of the aisle in his best duds. What do you want to say to him? What processional music will mark your march down the aisle? It's a good idea to set aside some time to discuss the ceremony with your fiancé too. What kind of officiant do you each want? If you could have the ceremony anywhere, where would it be? Do you want to write your own vows? Are there any family traditions or heirlooms you want to incorporate? If you're having a wedding party, what role do you want them to play? Will you incorporate your parents into the ceremony? Besides that official marriage thing, what do you most want to get out of the ceremony? There are a ton of things to consider here—take time out from the reception planning and let yourself imagine how you want to begin your lives together.

DO seriously consider full-service locations, even if you have a limited budget.
I am telling you, full-service is the way to go. First, the per-person costs are very competitive with other non-full service options, especially when you don't pay a venue rental fee. Second, full-service means you don't need to be shopping for table linens, cakes, and beer distributors in addition to all the other vendors you need to coordinate. Just make sure you get a detailed list of what the costs cover. Usually open bar, a 3 or 4-course meal, and the wedding cake are included. Most places have event coordinators. Find out exactly what their responsibilities are, how long they'll be on-sight on your big day, and try to meet with them before you sign the contract. Finally, try to visit the venue when they're setting up for another wedding. This will give you a chance to see their team in action and you'll get a good idea of whether you can trust these people to carry out your master plan.

DON'T be afraid to haggle.
Especially in this economy, many vendors are willing to negotiate as long as you ask nicely. I agonized over this because I wanted the vendors to like me—I figured if they liked me, they'd help me put together a great wedding. But our budget made negotiating a necessity. So I borrowed a tactic from my work as an editor. First, complement the vendor's work. Then mention that it really fits your style or vision, and you'd love to have them be part of your wedding team. Then discuss how much you planned on spending, and ask if there's anyway "we" can make it work. The use of "we" is a clincher; it shows you're willing to work with the vendor as a partner, rather than as, well, Bridezilla. This almost always works. But, develop your own negotiating style. Don't be afraid. Remember, the worst that can happen is they'll say no.

And finally...
DO allow yourself to get a little insane.
Even if you're a well-adjusted, independent woman, planning your wedding will make you crazy. Despite your best efforts, you will become obsessive, anal, angry, and the queen of all control freaks. And you will probably blame your fiancé for all of this, because, well, he's there. I've recently had an epiphany about this—I am embracing my inner control freak. I am allowing myself to be a little over-bearing, a little aggressive, a little frantic about details like whether to get lined envelopes and the number of orchids in my bouquet. I even started keeping an online wedding journal where I can freak out about my nosy aunt or complain about how much everything costs. And then I can laugh at my own silliness. So seriously, try it. Let yourself panic over the do not play list. Get neurotic about the invitation font. And definitely join a wedding website community where you can vent openly. The key is let out your anxiety, and you'll stop being so anxious. Just be gentle with your fiancé. He wants to marry you, after all.