In 1983, folk singer Steve Goodman released a song called “Vegematic” about a guy who falls asleep with the TV on and dreams that he orders everything on the late-night mail-order ads. Four to six weeks later the mailman arrives with “the Vegematic, and the Pocket Fisherman, too … And a bamboo steamer, and a garden weasel, too, and a tie-dyed, Day-Glo souvenir shirt from Six Flags over Burbank.” Anyone who has late-night binge-shopped knows the feeling. Goodman’s song anticipated SkyMall, the company that offered us the “Pet Crate End Tables” and pierogi Christmas-tree ornaments we never knew we needed. Now there’s Amazon. Vanilla by day, Amazon moonlights as a source for the wild and weird. We took a dive into the annals of Amazon and gathered ten of the most bizarre, but actually kind of useful, things you can buy.
The full name of this product sounds like a mistake, but really it’s a testament to its many, many uses: “The Greenwon Massage Massage Facial Massager Thin Face-lift Elastic Facial Roller Massage Cogit Cellulose Roller for Face Up.” Meant to create a “graceful face curve,” this plastic-botanic device could be used as a kind of stress ball for your face, or a fake bouquet in a pinch. The product description even promises that with your newly massaged face, you will be “the most CHARMING” at any party.
Sometimes sunscreen isn’t enough, and what you really need is to swaddle your entire head in opaque, polyester UV protection. There are at least six ways to wear this thing, but the decision to wear it with red eye paint is completely up to you. Great for the beach, just don’t wear it to the bank.
Spice up your desk and excite your co-workers with this nonslip neoprene Channing Tatum mouse pad. Technically, it’s a “gaming mouse pad,” but caressing this tap-dancing, vogue-ing, strip-teasing star’s face with every click is no game. One reviewer says, “Perfect for my gaming needs! I love Channing Tatum, so it’s great!” That about sums it up.
There are items you consider at the grocery store but never buy — kolhrabi, or fiddleheads — and then there are smoked pheasants, a food you never see at the grocery store and would probably never buy. Why not try ordering one from Amazon? Put on a tweed jacket, gather your hounds, and pretend it’s your bounty — or serve it at your next medieval-themed dinner party.
Unfortunately the single pheasant is sold out, but you can still get a wild game sampler, which comes with a smoked duck, smoked pheasant, and six smoked quail.
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