"Sometimes I feel like people have such bland tastes, and that must have been what was wrong with these women."

"After you open a restaurant, you realize you're two full pant sizes up and you look like you got stung by a hive of bees."

"Before dessert, we hit the shooting range downstairs and then finished with cheesecake, cognac, and a cigar."

"They put pieces of lime in the margarita and light them on fire, which seems like a lot of fanfare for just a normal margarita."

"I laid it over the fish after it was cooked, and it had the same effect as if I smoked twenty blunts."

"Dinner was at Roberta's. Carrots with smoked ricotta. F*ck yes."

"Am I a bad boy, mama? I no get breast-feed tonight?"

"You have no idea how important it is to me that no one be an asshole."

"I think you can train your body to not have a taste for unhealthy food."

"I've heard of some chefs calling restaurants ahead to make sure no extra food will be served, but we don't want to be assholes ... "

"I get this gigantic pan. Put good olive oil and pepperoncini it. You just throw in a sh-tload of cherry tomatoes, a sh-tload of basil, a sh-tload of garlic."

"I went to Porter House, my favorite restaurant. I was with a woman who was not with me for free."

"I pigged out entirely, and threw in a can of Coke and the remainder of a pint of Ben & Jerry's."

"We capsized a few times in the Delaware, but we never lost the wine."

"I’m a little jealous of people who tend to talk about their favorite restaurants. I like a lot of restaurants, but I rarely go back to the same one twice."

"I try not to drink vodka in public. I feel like it always results in my having to e-mail, call people, just apologizing for my behavior."

"I know nothing about wine except that I love red wine that smells like manure and white wine that smells plastic-y, like a freshly opened Ninja Turtle action figure."

"And how did the ground zero of the Brooklyn food explosion land in my neighborhood? I swear, if I can't walk or bike to it, I pretty much don't go."

"I am embarrassed to admit how many daytime meals I consume while standing."

"I stopped doing dope in the nineties, but I've had to eat sweets at 4 or 5 a.m. ever since."