Aw, poor Ann Coulter. As if it's not enough that she's surrounded by liberal heathens up here in New York, she even gets hassled down at her place in Florida. Today the Smoking Gun has a police report that details the disturbing (yet a kind of hilarious) southern hospitality Coulter received at her place in Palm Beach before she had her address take off the books. First, there was the time she heard someone screaming "Ann Coulter is a big asshole" near her house. Then there was the note, which an earnest cop described in detail:
Coulter showed me the greeting card which was pink and white in color and had the words "Go Fuck Yourself" printed on the face The greeting card was manufactured by Chronicle Books, 2006 Julie Jackson cross-stitch note cards. This card had a pink border with an old-fashioned bronze-colored frame. The inside of the card was written in cursive, in blue ink, most likely with a ball-point pen, you self-aggrandizing, two words not clear, sociopath!! the only things left after a nuclear war are you and cockroaches, stay out of bright lights with no makeup, you are so ugly you could turn a train up a dirt road the envelope had a pink floral appearance to it.
The card wasn't signed, and so Palm Beach police have apparently been doing their CSI thing and checking fingerprints. Which seems a little pointless, considering that about half of America could have sent it.
Ann Coulter Addresses Space Invaders [Smoking Gun]
Guess what everybody? This April, New York is going to get a very important visit! That's right, the Popemobile is coming! We couldn't be more excited. We've always wanted to see the Popemobile in person. It's such an honor that the Popemobile is visiting the city during our lifetime; it's only been here four times before, in history. Apparently, the pope-mobile is going to go down to ground zero and even take part in a giant Mass at Yankee Stadium (last time the pope-mobile was here, it visited Shea — the Popemobile, of course, is a nonpartisan car). During the pope-mobile's most recent visit to the Big Apple, in 1995, it was carrying Pope John Paul II. This time it will be carrying Pope Benedict XVI. Benedict was last in the city before he was pope, in 1988, when his arrival was met with protests by gay groups because he called their sexuality a "moral disorder" and also by Jews because he thinks that they should become Christian to get "perfected" (well, he said Judaism "finds its fulfillment" in Christianity, but the pope doesn't go on as many talk shows as Ann Coulter so he can't be expected to have his rhetoric quite so down pat). Anyway, we can't wait to go see the Popemobile when it comes. It's really caught up with the times. We hear it has power steering now!
Benedict Will Bless City With April Visit [NYDN]
When Benedict Last Visited New York [NYT]
Sarah Jessica Parker claims that she wasn't hurt when Maxim named her the Unsexiest Woman Alive, but we detect a certain amount of defensiveness in her response, which came out in the London Sunday Express. "I believe in the old 'sticks and stones' philosophy, so frankly their words don't come close to hurting," the Sex and the City star said, but couldn't help adding: "How many women wouldn't want to step into the Manolos that are waiting for me in the wardrobe department every morning?" Not many, we bet! But it doesn't matter. "What they don't know is that one day I'll wake up fat," SJP explained. "But I'll still be happy, just like I am now." Hmmm. Two things: One, the idea that you could suddenly wake up obese, having gone to bed a toothpick, is really awesome. (Can we make a ray gun that does that to people? Can we test it out on Ann Coulter?) And two, Sarah Jessica Parker barely gained weight when she had an entire other human inside her. Remember all those skimpy outfits she wore in the dreaded pregnancy season of SatC? She's too much of a workaholic — there's no way that lady is ever going to wake up fat. Until, you know, we get our hands on that ray gun.
The Sexiest Put-Down [British Vogue]
For some reason, Ann Coulter's comment that Jews should be "perfected" has really gotten the Internet going (as opposed to her comments that 9/11 widows are “self-obsessed” and "enjoying" their husbands' deaths, or that John Edwards is a "faggot," yadda yadda yadda). Coulter said the quote to Donny Deutsch (a Jew) on his show, The Big Idea, last week. But like you, the Internet sometimes comes up with its best responses several days after a slight is delivered. Like today's salvo from a hacker, who broke into Coulter's Website and put up an open letter purporting to be from the ice queen herself. "I've been participating in a charade for nearly eleven years, now. Quite frankly, I'm sick of it," wrote the faux Coulter. "You have all been a part of a sick joke that I began considering shortly after first getting on the air. At first, it was quite interesting to see how people would react when I would use twisted logic and poorly masked bigotry. But eleven years is a long time to be living a fake life, and I can no longer tolerate this falsity." It was funny because it uncannily said what most people (okay, most people we know) assume has been going on in Coulter's head all along. Equally harsh was Maxim.com's effort, the image you can see above. It's a map of how Coulter herself can be "perfected." At first we thought it wasn't as clever ("remove swastika from heiny?"), but then we realized that when Coulter sees the instruction "remove penis or make smaller," she's totally going to be mad she didn't say that about Hillary Clinton first.
Ann Coulter Proclaims Herself a Sick Joke, But Is It All a Sick Joke? [Jezebel]
Perfecting Ann Coulter [Maxim]
We guess Michelle Malkin won't be coming to town to guest-host for Bill O'Reilly anymore. She just quit forever, after a three-way conservative-pundit street fight that has left our minds reeling a little bit. For those weren't paying attention (we weren't, until now), what happened was this: Crazy attention whore Geraldo Rivera told the Boston Globe that crazy attention whore Malkin was "the most vile, hateful commentator I've ever met It’s good she’s in D.C. and I’m in N.Y. I’d spit on her if I saw her.” Later, when O'Reilly asked him if he wanted to say something about it on the show because, he said, Malkin's "feelings were hurt." (Saying this he came across, weirdly, as almost grandfatherly and sane.) Rivera did apologized for his "ungentlemanly" and "ungallant" words — "I never spit!" he said — but couldn't help qualifying that he disagreed with everything Malkin said and basically indicating that he thought she was an asshole.
Miss Universe Riyo Mori was ushered through security at JFK by flashing her sash in lieu of a real form of I.D. Mick Jagger had lunch with his youngest kid, 8-year-old Lucas, at Nello's. Rudy Giuliani said that he'd make Joe Torre a member of his cabinet if he's fired by the Yankees (assuming Giuliani is elected, of course). Former city-council president and lifelong Democrat Andrew Stein made out with Ann Coulter at Soho House. Patricia Yeo left Monkey Bar, the second eatery she's left in two months, after getting bad reviews. Cameron Diaz and Bradley Cooper ate at Cuba in the West Village. Kyra Sedgwick and Vanessa Redgrave, among others, will help Dems in Albany push for legalized gay marriage tomorrow on National Coming Out Day.
At Upstairs in Soho, Leonardo DiCaprio had the back of Danny A after the club promoter got into an altercation with a patron. New York Yankee Joba Chamberlain celebrated his 22nd birthday at the Plumm by drinking Red Bull with a bunch of teammates. Tom Touchet, who was a producer at the Today show until he was forced out by Katie Couric, may have to work with her again now that he's at CBS. The Scores stripper who sold pictures of Oscar De La Hoya in drag regrets having done so for only $70,000. Derek Jeter sat near Hilary Duff at Megu Midtown. French soprano Natalie Dessay, star of the Met's Lucia di Lammermoor, understands why a lot of people think opera is boring. George Clooney, girlfriend Sarah Larson, and a group of friends dined downstairs at La Esquina.
John McCain has RSVP'd for the Puerto Rican Day Parade, but Rudy Giuliani has not. Lorraine Bracco will be a onetime co-host of The View. Baird Jones will celebrate Dr. Kevorkian's release from prison tonight by exhibiting his paintings at Webster Hall. Kevin Costner ate at Michael's. John Travolta may be in denial about his son's autism because of Scientology. Paris Hilton plans to keep a diary when she's in prison, which she can later sell. Sharon Stone is set to star in mock political ads to be unveiled at the upcoming Venice Biennale. Charlie Palmer's Kitchen 22, on West 22nd Street, closed.
The Time 100 dinner, to be held tomorrow night at Jazz at Lincoln Center in celebration of the magazine's annual "Most Influential People in the World" issue, is a hot ticket, an exclusive and glittering black-tie affair. And it seems the influential people will go to great lengths not to miss it. Virgin mogul Richard Branson, on the list this year, is currently on a 325-mile dogsled journey across Canada's Arctic province of Nunavut to see the effects of global warming. He's rushing to reach his endpoint — the delightfully named Igloolik — by Tuesday morning so he can be whisked to New York to make the dinner that night. "Will get the husky dogs to work a little bit harder!" he e-mailed.
Rosie O'Donnell emceed a luncheon for Women in Communications, and she offended audience members with off-color jokes. Cindy Adams liked her act, though. Bill Clinton, Ted Kennedy, Norman Mailer, and Anna Wintour all showed up for the memorial service for JFK aide Arthur Schlesinger Jr.Rudy Giuliani's success in presidential polls is making Mike Bloomberg want to run for president. Martha Stewart's billionaire boyfriend, Charles Simonyi, returned from a visit to the International Space Station. An Icelandic billionaire bought an Ian Schrager penthouse in Gramercy Park for $10 million. Hotelier Jason Pomeranc celebrated his birthday with Kate Hudson. Sheryl Crow may be an environmental activist, but a performance rider shows she demands three tractor trailers, four buses, and six cars for a gig. Speaking of Crow, she may have had a falling out with fellow activist Laurie David during their anti-global-warming cross-country tour.