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Artie Lange

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A-Rod Has ‘the Heart of a Poet’

He's been writing Madonna love notes. Also gross: Raffaello Follieri is tormented by rat poop in prison, and Artie Lange spanked it eavesdropping on Christina Applegate. All in the gossip roundup!

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Artie Lange Update: He's Back!

In a bizarre conclusion to the great mystery that lots of people couldn't care less about but that a few people care a lot about, Artie Lange returned to "The Howard Stern Show" this morning.

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Mick Jagger Is Friends With Leonardo DiCaprio and Q-Tip

Mick
Bruce Willis yelled, "I've abandoned my son!" four times while dining at Freemans with an exotic dancer the other night, then did shots with the bartender. Mick Jagger, Q-Tip, and Leonardo DiCaprio were all hanging out at Upstairs on Monday night. Kathleen Turner's Crimes of the Heart castmates can't tell if she's drunk or just tired. The Observer's Spencer Morgan "bitch slapped" Men's Vogue writer Hudson Morgan at the Beatrice Inn, but they made up soon after. Matthew McConaughey's chest is at the top of In Touch Weekly's list of Top Ten hot chests. Jason Bateman and Ricky Schroder are not working on a screenplay of Silver Spoons, although that would be awesome.

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S.J.P. and M.B. Have a Spat on the C/E

Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Brokerick
Matthew Broderick and Sarah Jessica Parker got into a fight on the platform of the downtown C/E train at 23rd Street. Alpha Media head Kent Brownridge married Hearst publicity head Alexandra Carlin at the Gordon Ramsay restaurant. Artie Lange tried unsuccessfully to get four Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders to disrobe on the Howard Stern show. A lot of foodies showed up at the preview of Alain Ducasse's wine-themed restaurant, Adour, in the St. Regis. Bruce Springsteen waited a half hour for a lunch table at the Turning Point in Long Branch. Cindy Adams says Heath Ledger once tried to avoid her by saying, "You people from the press are not nice to me," but that he smiled while saying it. Liz Smith approves of the fact that Jenna Bush is getting married in Crawford, Texas, and not the White House.

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Mario Batali Is a Kobe Human, and Other Great Lines From His Roast

Mario Batali looked bigger than life last night, as he sat in a carved wooden throne taking punches from speaker after speaker at his celebrity roast at Capitale. The event, which benefited the Food Bank of New York, was simultaneously tame and vulgar: Every imaginable anatomical insult was made, but there was barely a mention of Super Mario's actual partying practices, which are legendary in restaurant circles. Rachael Ray and Rocco DiSpirito, neither of whom were present, took far worse abuse. Still, the roasters, who ranged from Sarah Silverman and Triumph the Insult Comic Dog to Anthony Bourdain, got the merry pasta mogul pretty good.

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Mario Batali Ripe for the Roasting

On November 7, Mario Batali will be "roasted, battered, and fried" at a celebrity roast at Capitale for charity (the Food Bank of New York). Will it be affectionate and reserved, with only a few broadsides about the chef's legendary appetite? Or will they really let him have it? It's hard to tell from the lineup, which mixes Batali buddies like Tony Bourdain and Stanley Tucci with celebrity roast specialists like Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, Sarah Silverman, and Artie Lange. But given some of the roastee's recent antics, he could be in for a rough time. The big man can take it, we hope. For tickets, call 212-249-6188.

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