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Ballsy Crimes

  1. Diane Passage Climbing Back Up the PoleThe wife of accused Ponzi-schemer Kenneth Starr is auditioning for a new stripper reality show.
  2. Long Island Man Settles Charges That He Defrauded ‘Elderly Nuns’Christ almighty.
  3. Art-Savvy Burglars Steal ‘A Gallery’s Worth’ of Pop Art From Wealthy ManhattaniteAnd they got away with it.
  4. Accused Ponzi Schemer Finds Out the Hard Way That the Feds Read Jail MailDisgraced financier Ken Starr’s prison love notes revealed.
  5. John Kinnucan Wouldn’t Sing for Feds, But Now He Won’t Shut UpIf I don’t raise my voice, nobody will, because everyone has gone underground.”
  6. Wall Street ‘Hero’ John Kinnucan Explains HimselfHe might have worn a wire if the Feds had been nicer.
  7. Man Blows Off Feds, Law & Order StyleWe … declined the young gentleman’s gracious offer to wear a wire and therefore ensnare you in their devious web.”
  8. Vice Magazine Founder Detained in YemenHe was searching for Al Qaeda.
  9. Man in Bernie Madoff Costume Robs BankThis is either a coincidence or a thief with a good sense of humor.
  10. Bernie Madoff Would Have Been Hopeless Without His SecretariesBehind every successful Ponzi schemer is a woman with index cards.
  11. Hong Kong Businessman So Wealthy He Didn’t Notice New York Limo Driver Took Him for a $800,000 RideThese things just don’t happen in Kansas.
  12. Woman Buys Ruth Madoff a Present at Auction of Her StuffBuyer of Ruth’s bed plans to return it to her, “if she wants it.”
  13. Rabbi Found Guilty of Trying to Extort Steven CohenMilton Balkany will go to jail.
  14. Madoff Trustee Spends Money to Make MoneyIrving Picard spent $26.9 million to recover $849,000.
  15. Identical Twin Ponzi Schemers Given Identical SentencesThree and a half years in matching outfits.
  16. Ponzi Schemer Arthur Nadel Sentenced to 14 YearsInvestors lashed out at the 77-year-old “narcissistic psychopath” in court.
  17. Put Yourself in Bernie Madoff’s SlippersLiterally.
  18. Officer Jon From CHiPs Charged With Securities FraudThat’s gotta sting.
  19. Raj Rajaratnam Seemed ‘Relaxed’ at Pretrial HearingSuspicious.
  20. Insider Trader Gives Masa Four Stars“It was the most, you know, exquisite dinner, sushi dinner I’ve ever had,” Stephanou testified.
  21. Accused Ponzi Schemer Gives Prison a Two Out of ThreeGuy Chimay finds the guards at his North Carolina prison pleasant enough, but the food isn’t quite up to snuff.
  22. Kenneth Starr Did a Bad Thing, But He’s Not a Bad PersonThe celebrity money manager pleads guilty to fraud.
  23. Elitist Attitude Helps Uncover FraudOnce they saw he went to a bad college, it was all over for Kenneth Wayne McLeod.
  24. Woman Accused of Stuffing Baby Tiger Into Her Luggage Uses the Same Excuse As Paris HiltonIt wasn’t my bag.
  25. You Can’t Just Hand Judge Ellen Segal Huvelle a Bunch of Scribblings and Call It a DayYou expect the court to rubber-stamp, but we can’t.”
  26. Cancer-Faking Grifter Turns Herself InKirilow told the ‘Star’ she was sorry and wanted to pay the money back, adding she “can’t possibly give it back to every single person, but I can give it to charity.”
  27. The Hippie GrifterCancer made Ashley Anne Kirilow popular. Until people found out she was faking it.
  28. Larry Salander Will Not See Fine Art for a Long TimeThe art dealer heads to jail.
  29. Wyly Brothers Used Magic Cloak to Conceal $550 Million Fraud, SEC AllegesDallas billionaires may have used magic to cover their assets.
  30. Flowers Were Just Robber’s Way of Saying Thank-YouThe man arrested for robbing a bank with a bouquet of flowers explains his rationale.
  31. Man In Darth Vader Costume Robs Long Island BankLoses points for the camouflage pants.
  32. Robbing Banks With Bouquets: Ultimately UnsuccessfulHe said it with flowers, and then he got cuffed.
  33. Robber at Least Nice Enough to Bring FlowersHe wasn’t all bad.
  34. Soho Dandy Josef Von Habsburg-Lothringen Carried a Cordless Hair Dryer ‘Like a Gun’And that’s not even the weirdest thing about him.
  35. Travis Wright Believed in the Candwich, Even If His Investors Didn’tA sandwich in a can is a foolproof idea, is it not?
  36. Trading Inside Information Was ‘Like an Orgasm’ for Danielle ChiesiA “classic tale of desire and betrayal” from, er, ‘Fortune.’
  37. Guy de Chimay Stands Up for LoveAccused Ponzi-schemer speaks out about claims that he stole $1 million from his fiancée’s family.
  38. Russian Spies’ Dumbest Mistakes“She said they were from Canada.”
  39. Madoff May Have Stashed $9 Billion, Says Chatty Fellow InmateMore gossip from Bernie’s fellow inmates.
  40. Flashy Purchases Were Ken Starr’s UndoingThe biggest one of which was apparently his wife.
  41. Lady Ponzi Schemer Adds Insult to Injury by Squandering Ill-Gotten GainsShe didn’t even buy fun stuff.
  42. Wachovia Executive Embezzled Millions for Love of Tropical FloraWachovia executive Scott Welch was driven to crime by a love of landscaping.
  43. Coffee Talk With Jeff SkillingThe former Enron CEO may never touch money again, he reveals in a prison interview. Also, he is lonely.
  44. ‘Wall Street Warrior’ Guy de Chimay Used Client Funds to Pay for Divorce, Hamptons MansionSo alleges the SEC, gleefully.
  45. Diane Passage May Have to Go Back to the Old LifeThe SEC refuses to unfreeze Ken Starr’s assets, leaving his ex-stripper wife with only her dance skills.
  46. Feds Raid Manhattan ‘Boiler Room’Thirteen arrested.
  47. Andrew Stein Allegedly Guilty of More Than Just Lying to the IRSThe ex-Manhattan borough president appears to have brushed something else under the rug.
  48. Even After Marrying a Man Who Made Millions, Diane Passage Continued Pole DancingAt least accused Ponzi schemer Ken Starr’s wife had a strong work ethic.
  49. undignified arrests
    Kenneth Starr’s Arrest Was Rather Undignified“He hid in the closet and put some clothes over his head.”
  50. Bumbling Disney Employees Imagineer Insider-Trading SchemeWhat would you suggest I do. If I could wave my magic wand and give you what you want, I would.”
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