Bulletproof vest not included.
"Somebody’s got to die, I’m afraid."
How did they not notice Bernie Madoff, they asked themselves, when he was standing right there, breathing his hot, sticky peanut breath all over them?
The septuagenarian hedge-fund manager didn't even make it out of Florida.
Well, maybe it's more like a Pee Wee Madoff.
A ruthless teen gang covers one of Madoff's beloved trees in toilet paper.
Street columnist and financial adviser Doug Kass had a spooky premonition, and if it's like the rest of his spooky premonitions, it might turn out to be true.
The statistics on Old Crime are going to be insane this year.
Finally, a story with a happy ending comes out of this saga.
A 75-year-old hedge-fund manager goes missing on the day he is supposed to produce $50 million.
She gloated that a surrogate mom did it the first time, but now it's her turn to get all moody and lumpy-bumpy. Plus, everyone important is in D.C. by now, and Cin's there to harass them.
Despite losing money to Madoff, the Bank Medici founder is kind of awesome.
"Sure, old chum, we can get you into the fund..." (cackles to self)
The violent tone cropping up regarding Bernie Madoff is creeping us out a little.
Don't get soft on us now, Mr. President-elect!
Was he being canny or caring?
He's strapped himself into his vest and is trundling back to his Upper East Side apartment right now!
Suddenly, as Hillary's confirmation draws nigh, the attorney general is everywhere.