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Bons Mots

  1. Rob Ford Has Mastered the Timeless Art of Gift-GivingWomen love money. Give ‘em a couple thousand bucks and they are happy.”
  2. Michele Bachmann Has Low Self-EsteemGod, I’m a loser.”
  3. President Obama Confirms That Brooklyn Is ‘Blowing Up Right Now’There’s a new arena and everything. 
  4. Prospects for Fixing Healthcare.gov Soon Sound PromisingNo one has ever seen these kinds of errors before.”
  5. Metta World Peace, Like Many People, Finds Beds to Be ComfortableI’m not going to lie.” 
  6. Metta World Peace Vaguely Aware of These So-Called ‘Brooklyn Nets’Honestly, I don’t even know who’s on their team.”
  7. Tells Us How You Really Feel About the Tea Party, Charlie Rangel” … those white crackers … “
  8. Louis C.K. Is Not a Fan of the Rolling Stone CoverF*** them.”
  9. Hillary Clinton Shares Thoughts on the White House Correspondents’ Dinner[Expletive] the White House Correspondents’ Dinner.”
  10. Senator Suggests Cruel and Unusual Punishment for Edward SnowdenHe ought to have to stay in the Moscow airport forever.”
  11. Father of Edward Snowden’s Girlfriend Is Kind of Shocked, Kind of NotIt kind of makes sense.”
  12. Edward Snowden Has an Opinion on the ‘Hero or Traitor’ DebateI’m neither traitor nor hero.”
  13. James Clapper Is Taking This NSA Business Very SeriouslyNo, he’s not. 
  14. Mayor Bloomberg Tells Kids to ‘Speak Good Grammar’Good advice. 
  15. Woman Who Let Powerball Winner Cut Doesn’t MindIt could have been us, but things happen.”
  16. Rob Ford Thinks His Crack Scandal Might Be Good for TorontoAny time you can get Toronto on the map.”
  17. George W. Bush Expresses Thoughts on Immigration Reform, BushilyDo the right thing.
  18. Dzhokhar Tsarnaev Is Doing ‘Absolutely Fine’My wounds are healing.”
  19. Boston’s ‘Saudi Suspect’ Finally Speaks OutI was looking [at] them like, is it because of the color of my skin or is it because of the name of my country?”
  20. Tennessee Official’s Awful Islamophobia DefenseI’m prejudiced against anyone who’s trying to tear down this country, Muslims, Mexicans, anybody.”
  21. Serving As Hitler’s Food-Taster Had Its Pros and ConsCons: Constant threat of instant death. 
  22. Michele Bachmann Kind of Quoting Shakespeare: ‘Thou Protestest Too Much’On a loop. 
  23. Cabbie Was Shocked by Weight of Tsarnaev Brother’s BackpackI don’t know what you got in there, but hey, have a nice day.”
  24. Stepsister: Anne Frank Would Be a BelieberThey make a lot of fuss about everything that is connected with Anne Frank.”
  25. Mitt Romney Thinks His Grandkids’ Names Are RidiculousWhen I heard Winston and Eleanor I thought, It sounds like two English bulldogs.”
  26. John Boehner Loses the Grammarian VoteHe wants the Senate to “get off their ass.”
  27. Manti Te’o Makes UnderstatementTwitter has “been a distraction for me.”
  28. Georgia Lawmaker Supports Freedom of Speech As Long As You Say Nice Things OnlyNo mean Photoshops, for sure.
  29. 49ers’ Chris Culliver Apologizes, OddlyInteresting apology. 
  30. City Council Candidate Didn’t Mean to Offend With Condescending, Sexist RemarkWhat’s a pretty girl like you doing reading those?” 
  31. Man Completely Unimpressed by Box of Eighteen Human HeadsEverybody here is ‘Oh my gosh, you got a box of heads’ … “
  32. Cambodian Prime Minister Makes World’s Best Appeal for Gay ToleranceIt has something to do with “racing vehicles.”
  33. Fox News Pundit Finds the Silver Lining of Having Almost No Money for FoodDo you know how fabulous I’d look?”
  34. The GOP War on Big Bird ContinuesBobby Jindal doesn’t want the GOP to be the party of “big anything.”
  35. Schieffer Had No Idea He Mixed Up Obama, OsamaWhat are you going to do?”
  36. Distant Romney Relative Is SurprisedIt’s a surprise really. Quite a surprise. Big surprise.”
  37. Mitt Romney Appreciates CloudLook at those clouds.”
  38. Sarah Palin Refuses to GloatI was right.”
  39. Presidential Trash TalkWhat Obama said to a friend of Marco Rubio’s.
  40. What Mitt Romney Bought at the Hardware StoreHardware stuff.”
  41. Mitt Romney’s Overseas Trip Begins With Brutal Sassing by British Prime MinisterWhat was that about understanding our special relationship?
  42. George W. Bush Describes the PresidencyEight years was awesome and I was famous and I was powerful.”
  43. Barney Frank Won’t Let Anyone Ruin His WeddingNot even POTUS.
  44. Sassy Nancy Pelosi One-liner of the DaySorry, Cubs fans. 
  45. Barbara Bush Not Totally Interested in Escalating the ‘War on Women’ DebateWhatever.”
  46. George W. Bush Learning to Cope With Traffic Once Again It’s inconvenient to have to stop at some stoplights coming over here.”
  47. Carl Paladino Has Some Thoughts on GE CEO Jeff ImmeltThey aren’t nice!
  48. Rick Santorum Charms Them in Puerto RicoNo more Spanish!
  49. Man Does Not Hate WomenMan’s thoughts on Syria and Iran less clear.
  50. A Little Tip From Barack ObamaYou’ve always got to eat before you stand for a long time.  That’s a little tip.”
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