Yesterday was new Citigroup honcho Vikram Pandit's 51st birthday, and pretty much everyone forgot, since this morning he had to announce the largest quarterly loss in his bank's history. To be sure, the $18.1 billion subprime-mortgage-related write-down is not as much as the $24 billion that was predicted over the weekend, but it was enough that it led to a fourth-quarter loss of $9.83 billion. But there was a silver lining: The bank says it has plans to raise upwards of $12.5 billion through a private securities sale, which includes $6.88 billion from Singapore. They also expect the Kuwait Investment Authority, Alwaleed bin Talal, and even former Citigroup CEO Sanford "Sandy" Weill to kick in with investments. That's "a huge vote of confidence on [Weill's] part," one analyst told Reuters. "I'm surprised to see his name there." We wonder if Pandit is surprised. Maybe today after work, he'll go outside and Weill will be waiting for him in his red convertible. "Me?" Pandit will say. "Yeah, you," Weill will say, and later that night they'll share kisses over birthday cake while the Thompson Twins' "If You Were Here" plays softly in the background.
Citigroup raising $14.5 billion [Reuters]
Hedge-fund managers use a lot of lingo. The reason they do this is to trick you into thinking what they do is really complicated, and you are too dumb to understand it. Because after all, if everyone knew what "g-7 crosses" were, everyone would start trying to make piles and piles of money, and then there wouldn't be as much left for hedge-fund managers! But n+1 was not fooled by their trickery. Recently, they sat down a hedge-fund manager and wrung out of him the meaning of some of his people's most confounding words. After the jump, a starter guide to the Secret Language of Money.
Jimmy Cayne is officially out at Bear Stearns, the company announced last night, and Alan D. Schwartz is in as the new CEO. Yesterday's Times referred to Schwartz as "a smooth, discreet investment banker," Portfolio today called him a "smooth dealmaker," and former Time Warner head Richard Parsons says he's "a smooth operator." But other than the fact that he is, apparently, silky soft and hairless, what do we really know about Alan D. Schwartz?
Yesterday, we told you we'd read in the Post that Blackstone CEO Steve Schwarzman went to visit J.P. Morgan CEO Jamie Dimon and Lehman CEO Dick Fuld, so that he could forgive them in person for having pulled the plug on financing for his PHH deal. But it turns out that maybe that was a total lie? "A person familiar with the matter says no such meetings took place, and that Schwarzman was, in fact, out of town when the meetings were supposed to have taken place," the WSJ DealBlog reported today. However! The Journal does back up the Post source's statement that Schwarzman didn't want to be in a "pissing contest" with the banks, although their source used a different, though still penile, metaphor. "This person did say that Schwarzman decided a sword fight with the banks is of little value, and that it is hard to fault the banks for the stand they took." Emphasis ours!
Related: Steve Schwarzman Is Friends With Jamie Dimon and Dick Fuld Again
For Bear Stearns CEO Jimmy Cayne, his 74th year was a difficult one. In August, two of Bear's hedge funds collapsed, heralding the subprime crisis and tipping off the worst losses in the firm's history. Then there were the firings, the Wall Street Journal article that painted him as a slacker pothead (and also weird), plus the investor retaliations, the regulatory investigations, the whispers that, after 39 years of service, he might need to be canned. It's enough to make anyone want to take refuge in golf and ganja. Which, the Journal and other media outlets are reporting, is what Cayne is doing. Citing "sources" who have been briefed on the situation, the papers are reporting that as early as today, Cayne will step down from his role as CEO at Bear Stearns and be replaced by Alan D. Schwartz. Cayne is "relieved," one source told the Times. As with a great movie where the hero dies in the end, we knew this was coming, and yet still, we're surprised. With his bridge addiction, his aversion to breakfast cereal, and his rumored affinity for the wacky tabacky, Cayne was a Wall Street original, an orchid in a sea of carnations, if you will. We'll miss you, old chap.
Cayne to Step Down As Bear CEO [WSJ]
Bear's Cayne Will Quit As Chief Executive [NYT]
Earlier: Intel's coverage of Jimmy Cayne
Bill Ash, a former assistant to Seth Tobias, the hedge-fund manager and CNBC analyst who was found dead in his pool in September, has passed a lie-detector test, in which he swore that Tobias's wife, Filomena, confessed to him that she murdered her husband by stirring Ambien into a "spicy" pasta sauce, then coaxed him into their pool, telling him, "If you eat [all the pasta], I'll call Tiger [tattooed go-go dancer, escort, and porn star, pictured at left] to come over for some kinky sex." Ash has been saying for months that Tobias was murdered by his wife, but his insistences have been rather drowned out by his record, which includes eleven arrests, for prostitution and writing bad checks. Ostensibly, he's hoping the lie-detector test, news of which he distributed by press release, will clear his, uh, good name. Filomena Tobias's lawyer continues to deny the allegations. "We've tried to take his deposition three times under oath [in the probate proceeding over Seth's estate]," he told the Daily News today of Ash. "He failed to show up." Ash e-mailed New York this morning to say that's not exactly true, that he just asked for an extension, and moreover and that Tobias's lawyers have actually tried to block his testimony by filing motions that "attack" his credibility: "They are trying to block me for giving a deposition!" he said. "They are telling the press I won’t be deposed, but they are filing motions to try to block me They have been hitting the roof."
Widow Drugged Money Mogul, Aide Says [NYDN]
Earlier: Daily Intel's Coverage of Seth Tobias
So, yesterday Bear Stearns CEO Jimmy Cayne announced the investment-banking firm's first quarterly loss in its history, on the tail of announcing a $9.1 billion write-down. He was apologetic, sort of: He said the results were unacceptable and declared that neither he nor his management team would be taking bonuses this year. Then he then proceeded to entirely skip the conference call with investors. “You’d think the circumstances might have merited a show of contrition,” noted The Wall Street Journal today. Yeah. Especially since, the other day, Charlie Gasparino reported "sources" were saying the Bear Stearns board has been talking about a successor for him. We can't, er, bear this idea: We've grown fond of the Jimster, he's like our pot-smoking, bridge-playing, possibly pervy uncle. Which is why we have to assume that Cayne skipped the conference call not because he didn't feel bad, but because he couldn't deal with all that bad energy.
Bad News for Bear Stearns [WSJ]
John Mack thought that by offing co-president Zoe Cruz last month, he himself might be spared the guillotine over Morgan Stanley's mortgage-related losses. But lo, it is not so easy. It's dark times out there on Wall Street; the cobblestones are stained with blood. And after Mack's announcement yesterday that Morgan Stanley would be taking a $9.4 billion write-down, the people are clamoring for a new sacrifice, and the writing is on the wall for John Mack. Also, it's in the papers.
"He's a chronic destroyer of value," Kevin Murphy, a retired Morgan Stanley airline analyst who recently sold his stock, told the Wall Street Journal today. "He's a nice person, but you put this guy in the corner office and there's an x factor where he hurts himself."
Christmas is a time for giving, and lest we forget, it is also a time for sacrifice. This year, James Cayne and the other top executives at Bear Stearns are making the ultimate sacrifice: They've decided to forgo their year-end bonuses. Because they have enough money? Because they decided to donate it to the children of Darfur? Because J.C. hit it big at bridge? Eh, no. Ostensibly this decision has come about because they're gearing up to announce some pretty shameful fourth-quarter results tomorrow, and after losing $1.6 billion in investor money this year, pocketing what little is left would look kind of bad. So instead they're divvying up the small pool left over from what they didn't blow on subprime mortgages and giving it to players in the firm in hopes that they don't jump over to, say, Goldman Sachs.
Bear Stearns Chiefs to Skip Bonuses [WSJ]
Update: It's a trend! After announcing a $9.4 billion writedown, Morgan Stanley CEO John Mack is foregoing his bonus, too. Somewhere, Zoe Cruz is snickering.
• Alan Greenspan's old flame Barbara Walters complained the G-man never gave good advice, insisting back in the seventies that she avoid an apartment on Fifth Avenue because it was a "bad investment." [NYP]
• Henry Kravis got a little egg on his face thanks to the collapse of the $8 billion Harman buyout. Steve Schwarzman gets bragging rights or an excuse to back out of his own impossibly huge deals. [Deal Journal/WSJ]
• With computers taking over, the NYSE plans to cut the trading floor down by half from its historic high. The famous Main Room and "the Garage," opened in 1903 and 1922 respectively, will remain open. [NYT]
Yesterday's Times had a story about how some young bankers, like Gabriel Hammond, the 28-year-old founder of Alerian Capital Management, are forgoing the traditional b-school route in favor of gathering gold bricks at a private-equity firm or hedge fund. After all, 'tis always better to make money than spend it on a degree that, if you're making enough for your employer, won't necessarily matter.
• The SEC is investigating whether banks and brokerages are hiding subprime lending losses. Goldman and Merrill are the first to be scrutinized. [WSJ]
• This is how bad the market is right now: Even music bloggers are worried about it. [DealBreaker]
• KPS Capital Partners is ditching its MetLife Building penthouse for a two-story space on 66th and Lex that leaves room for expansion. [Deal Journal/WSJ]
• James Cayne and three other top Bear Stearns execs cashed out $57 million in stock before the bank took a nose dive, pawning off $16 million in losses on regular investors. [TheStreet.com via DealBreaker]
• With Ellyn McColgan's departure, Fidelity president Rodger Lawson has gone from new guy in town to likely successor. [Boston Globe via DealBook/NYT]
• Blackstone raised $21.7 billion for its latest private-equity fund. Apparently drumming up the last $6 billion was pretty tough. Cue the violins! [Deal Journal/WSJ]
• Bear Stearns CEO Jim Cayne rewarded himself for firing the firm's second-in-command by playing his first round of golf in almost three weeks. [NYP]
• Fidelity CEO Edward Johnson's uncertain succession plan claimed another victim as Ellyn McColgan, a longtime exec and onetime heir apparent, got fed up and stepped down. [NYT]
• Were the threats against Goldman Sachs "Hundreds will die. We are inside. You cannot stop us." just a prank by three teenage kids? [Newsday]
• Bear Stearns seems to have great confidence in new president Alan Schwartz, even though Schwartz, an "old-line relationship banker," has no experience in the firm's embattled bond business. [NYT]
• Bear Stearns' decision to liquidate their failed hedge funds in the Cayman Islands may help protect them from irate and litigious investors. [Bloomberg]
• Banks working on the ABN Amro deal stand to make about $1.3 billion. Good news for Citi, Credit Suisse, and others. [Deal Journal/WSJ]
• David Sheeger, a Manhattan personal-injury lawyer, pleaded guilty to using a "runner" to ferry him potential cases from inside hospitals. [New York Law Journal]
• A missing Connecticut lawyer admits to embezzlement in a letter to his attorney son. [Connecticut Law Tribune]
• Manhattan D.A. Robert Morgenthau is 88 and unrelenting. [Law Blog/WSJ]
• A court ordered Laura Albert, a.k.a. JT LeRoy, to pay a film production company $350,000 for legal fees connected to her fraud case. [NYT]
• The ABC News intern who posed nude for Playboy: Lace Rose Allenius. She works on the weekend edition of Good Morning America. [Mediabistro]
• Manhattan Media, the owner of several weekly newspapers, bought New York Press and plans to merge it with Our Town Downtown, which covers lower Manhattan. [NYT]
• Eric Wishnie, an NBC News producer who was fired in 2006 for substance-abuse problems, fell to his death from his West Village rooftop. [NYDN]
• Good Morning America's Robin Roberts announced that she has breast cancer. [ABC News]
• Condé Nast is expanding in India and expected to launch editions of Glamour, GQ, Condé Nast Traveler, Vanity Fair, and Wired. Vogue will launch in September. [FT]
• Paul Young, a former partner at Milberg Weiss, owned the building that housed the El Mirage bathhouse and did nothing to curtail its activities. [Legal Pad/Fortune]
• General counsels are on the up-and-up: Rosemary Berkery and Kenneth Frazier, the GCs at Merrill and Merck, both just got promotions to top leadership positions at their respective firms. [Law Blog/WSJ]
• Some lawyers are salivating at their chance to put "hard-hitting" ads back on the air. [New York Law Journal]
• Whole Foods CEO John Mackey has been asked to resign following the discovery of anonymous postings he authored on investment message boards. [NYP]
• Leon Black, the secretive founder of Apollo Management, will be worth more than $3 billion when he sells part of the firm. [NYP]
• Merrill Lynch CEO Stan O'Neal promoted one of his top aids, Rosemary Berkery, to the position of vice-chairman and general counsel, making her a likely successor. [MarketBeat/WSJ]