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Alex Kuczynski Has a Smart Brother

A drunk Justin Long spilled soup on himself twice at Veselka, and then fell for the old beer as "stain remover" trick. The Observer tried to hire event planner Elli Frank to help throw some upcoming parties, despite the fact that the paper referred to her as a "madam" three years ago. James Frey sold a book (this time a novel) to HarperCollins. John-Michael Kuczynski, brother of plastic surgery maven Alex Kuczynski, wrote a book titled "Conceptual Atomism and the Computional Theory of Mind." Retired Giant Tiki Barber attended a book party celebrating the memoir "I Dream of Blue," where coach Tom Coughlin was the butt of some playful ribbing. Knopf editor and Gabriel Garcia Marquez champion Ashbel Green is retiring at the age of 80.

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Mayor Bloomberg Smooches Janice Min

Danny Fields, manager of Iggy Pop and the Ramones, filed a $100-million suit against Out magazine for making him seem like a pedophile. Heath Ledger crashed a party at the Bowery Hotel with three Australian friends and drank champagne. Mayor Bloomberg kissed Janice Min after Us Weekly named him one of the 25 Most Stylish New Yorkers. Kanye West bailed on gigs at the Today show, Letterman, and TRL because he doesn't think he needs to promote his new album. Jennifer Hudson will play Sarah Jessica Parker's assistant in the Sex and the City movie. Wilmer Valderrama took Mandy Moore shopping for blazers at Saks. Damien Hirst didn't know who the Olsen twins were before they came to his party at the Prada store on Friday.

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Fashionistas Mad Wintour Likes Federer Better

Alice + Olivia designer Stacey Bendet took offense to Molly Sims's comment that the label was "lower end" by claiming that Sims begged for free pants and a plane ticket to the show when she modeled for her last February. Tennis stars Novak Djokovic and Maria Sharapova claim to be just friends, but they were out singing karaoke together till 5 a.m. the night after Djokovic lost in the finals. In other tennis news: Some designers were annoyed that Anna Wintour spent more time with Roger Federer at the U.S. Open than at Fashion Week shows. Details editor Dan Peres is expecting his first child with Aussie wife Sarah Wynter. Walmart competitor the Wholesale Department Store Union bought out a showing of Off Broadway show Walmartopia. Chef Todd English, of Olives fame, may open up a new place on 98 Kenmare Street. Liz Smith's sources tell her that Rudy Giuliani is "a bad man and an erratic personality" but would make a good chief executive.

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Roddick Calls Federer a ‘Robot’

Nicole Kidman may be playing Vanity Fair–style arbiter Amy Fine Collins in the film adaptation of her memoir. Rupert Murdoch may be trying to lure CNBC "Money Honey" Maria Bartiromo to his new Fox Business Channel, though the Post isn't making matters easy by writing negative items about her. The Suffolk County D.A. has seized over 45,000 pages of legal papers in its investigation of the Fire Island double voting scandal. Mischa Barton may or may not have had a wardrobe malfunction at a Save the Children event at Lincoln Center. Andy Roddick referred to Roger Federer as a "robot." Authors of a book about Doris Duke are claiming that Bob Balaban, director of an upcoming movie about the tobacco heiress, may have committed copyright infringement. Rudy Giuliani played golf — though presumably not well — sans Secret Service at the Noyac Golf Club in Sag Harbor.

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The Lohans: Reunited and It Feels So Sober

Demi Moore freaked out at the Miss Sixty fashion show when she found out her driver couldn't bring her car around. Kathleen Wiley thinks the Clintons stole a manuscript of her new book, which she says contains information that could damage Hillary's presidential bid. A photo of jet-riding "Money Honey" Maria Bartiromo and husband Jonathan Steinberg in Hamptons magazine happens to be opposite an ad titled, "Planning on Having an Affair?" Liza Minelli will sing the national anthem before the U.S. Open men's final because everyone else will be at the VMAs. Vanessa Hudgins' rep confirmed that the nude photo of her that's making the rounds is authentic. Kim Porter may still love Diddy, exhibited by the fact that she gazed into his eyes at Tenjune.

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Why Does Peter Kalikow Have a $1 Million Ferrari?

Billionaire financiers Stephen Schwarzman and Henry Kravis don't like each other, and refuse to socialize at billionaire financier-type events. Speaking of billionaire financiers, Jeffrey Epstein hired former Whitewater special prosecutor Ken Starr to help defend him against charges that he solicited prostitutes. Tim Gunn claims that he wasn't allowed to reference Project Runway in his book for fear of being sued by publisher (and Runway co-producer) Weinstein & Co. MTA chairman Peter Kalikow's $1 million Ferrari sustained $32,000 in damage in transit from Zurich to New York last may. James Gandolfini says we should "shit or get off the pot" regarding Iraq, and wants to reinstate the draft. Some designers are angry that Ralph Lauren is hoarding models for his Saturday show.

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Katie Couric Orders Takeout From Iraq

Oscar de la Renta doesn't want any socialites at his Fashion Week show because they never actually buy his clothes. (Also, some models for Marc Jacobs are annoyed that he tapped The Hills star Lauren Conrad to stomp the catwalk for him). Kate Hudson is trying to get in touch with Owen Wilson, but has been rebuffed. New York Ranger Sean Avery claims he dumped Elisha Cuthbert, and not the other way around. East Village hipster hangout Mo Pitkin's House of Satisfaction is for sale for $5.5 million. Tommy Lee may or may not have had sex with a blonde girl in a room full of people at Dune in the Hamptons. Katie Couric placed an Italian food takeout order for her daughters in New York from Iraq.

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Sarah Silverman to Explore the Joys of Blackface

Some people allege that Kelly Klein, 50, is too old to have a baby via a surrogate mom, and must have gotten an egg from a donor. A crazy Italian lady made a lunge for Brad Pitt at the Venice Film Festival, and "Page Six" has the video! (Also, Pitt's two-hour-and-40-minute Assassination of Jesse James is too long.) Sarah Silverman goes blackface in the next season of her show. John Edwards and Russell Simmons did yoga together. Mariah Carey's ex-manager claims that she owes him money. David LaChappelle hates Madonna, Gwen Stefani, and Christina Aguilera, and won't work with them. Heather Graham sings and plays guitar in her upcoming movie.

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Divorces, Horses, and So On

Paula Zahn's friends say she wanted to stay in the Fifth Avenue apartment she shares with soon-to-be ex-husband Richard Cohen for the sake of their kids, but he made it too difficult. Lou Dobbs's daughter Hillary won the Open Jumper Class (and $7,500) at the Hampton Classic Horse Show. (Soon-to-be-mom Kelly Klein also rode there.) Heather Mills has racked up a number of parking tickets in her Bentley convertible in East Hampton. NYU's school newspaper went out of its way to point out that people use the campus library to commit suicide and hook up on Craigslist. Larry David doesn't like fund-raisers on yachts in Martha's Vineyard. Courtney Love is blaming ex-boyfriend Steve Coogan for Owen Wilson's attempted suicide, and now Coogan is worried about his career prospects. The New York Times has a clear anti-Yankees bias, "Page Six" says.

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Quarterback Sacked

Bridget Moynahan won't actually see Tom Brady and is only giving him limited access to their newborn son. Late New York Giants owner Wellington Mara's eleven kids are going through problems, both personal and business-related. Christie Brinkley didn't attend the Hampton Classic Horse Show because Peter Cook and a new girlfriend were inside. Note to male tennis players: Do not date Martina Hingis. Julia Stiles helped boyfriend Jonathan Cramer install one of his sculptures on Central Park North. Jack Nicholson once jumped out a window after Hunter S. Thompson pulled a gun out in a house. Music mogul Irv Gotti made it to day three of a $10,000 World Poker Tour event. A former Stuyvesant High School student of Frank McCourt said the Pulitzer Prize winner was not a great English teacher. James Blount hooked up with another model, this time in Malibu.

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Girl Trouble at CNBC

A number of female anchors at CNBC are annoyed at the preferential treatment given to Money Honeys Maria Bartiromo and Erin Burnett. Kate Moss and Pete Doherty may be back together. Anna Wintour canoodled with Shelby Bryan at day one of the U.S. Open. Bill and Hillary Clinton may be buying property on Martha's Vineyard next to Ted Danson. Mets shortstop Jose Reyes partied with girls at a club in Bridgeview. George Lopez's bodyguard assaulted a Post reporter at a showing of Superbad. (Related: George Lopez has a bodyguard?) Several New York nightclub owners decided to party this summer in Europe and South America. Amy Winehouse's father-in-law is urging her fans not to buy her albums until she cleans up her act in rehab. The Lohans are finally allowing estranged father Michael to visit Lindsay in rehab.

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Closing the Box

Some Lower East Siders are trying to get the Box closed because it's more a nightclub and less the "cultural institution" its owners promised it would be. (And also, we presume, because it's utterly insufferable.) At the age of 50, Kelly Klein, ex of Calvin, is finally having a baby. Hillary Clinton raised $500,000 at a fund-raiser at Ted Danson's house on Martha's Vineyard. The beach is eroding in front of Tina Brown and Harry Evans's place in Quogue. John McEnroe is in talks with Larry Ellison to establish a tennis training center in Flushing Meadows. Andy Roddick had stage fright when asked to say a few words at a party in his honor at Tenjune. A bunch of guests got lost en route to Donna Karan's house in East Hampton. Tom Petty played two gigs in the Hamptons for $1.7 million. (Paul McCartney and Renée Zellweger were there.) Patrick Ewing and Alonzo Mourning looked for the entrance to La Esquina.

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Clinton-Gore '48

The Gores and the Clintons ran into each other at kiddie restaurant Mars 2112. Warner Bros. execs told Tim Burton to tone down the gore in his upcoming Sweeney Todd. (Perhaps he'll be an only mildy disturbed barber?) Oprah is trying to get a woman to relocate her wedding because it is being held at a ranch that Oprah wants to reserve for guests attending her Obama fund-raiser. For some reason, ex-CNN anchor Paula Zahn kept a detailed diary of her affair with ContiGroup CEO Paul Fribourg. New York Rangers Sean Avery and Brendan Shanahan may star in hockey nut Mike Meyers's upcoming movie. Bono's duplex in the San Remo on Central Park West, once owned by Steve Jobs, may soon be for sale. Princess Diaries author Meg Cabot is setting her upcoming murder mystery at an NYU-like school.

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Searching for Mrs. X

Harvey Weinstein hired private eye Bo Dietl to try to figure out the real identity of The Nanny Diaries' Mrs. X. New School prez Bob Kerrey seems likely to run for Senate again if Chuck Hagel quits. Jerry Lewis said that Merv Griffin deserved to die of prostate cancer. The fake feud between Kanye West and 50 Cent is officially over. Richard Gere thinks he could capture Bosnian war criminal Radovan Karadzic, even though NATO has unsuccessfully looked for him for a decade. (And James Brolin flies planes and builds houses.) Subscribers to the now-shuttered Jane magazine are getting Glamour instead, and ex Jane staffers are pissed. Katie Holmes fell and bruised herself after chasing Suri in Paris.

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It's Not Easy Playing Graydon Carter

Jeff Bridges has to wear a coiffed wig to play Graydon Carter in How to Lose Friends and Alienate People, but he didn't wear a fat suit. Roger Federer told Anna Wintour that he will be wearing blue and white during the day and black at night for the U.S. Open, and Andy Roddick says that Elton John actually has a good backhand. Vivica Fox was allegedly drinking at their birthday party Tuesday night despite a court mandate forbidding her to on account of her March DUI. "Obama Girl" Amber Lee Ettinger is actually more enthusiastic about Hillary Clinton. Christiane Amanpour and other CNN staffers often saw Ted Turner in a bathrobe when he lived above CNN Center in Atlanta. Elizabeth Taylor will star in a play with James Earl Jones in December to raise $1 million to fight AIDS. Bill Clinton ate at Serendipity. Justin Timberlake's manager got him a round of golf at Glen Oaks Country Club on Long Island.

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Is Marc Jacobs Engaged?

Marc Jacobs may have given a Cartier engagement ring to his on-again, off-again boyfriend, Jason Preston. Tyra Banks dropped her manager, either because he was a prima donna or because her investment-banker boyfriend told her to. Britney Spears backed out of recording a Timbaland-produced duet with Justin Timberlake. It's unclear why. No cameras or cars are allowed at the fund-raiser Oprah is throwing for Barack Obama at her California ranch, which is expected to draw George Clooney, Halle Berry, and Jamie Foxx. Harvey Weinstein is offering $100,000 to anyone who can identify the Upper East Side mom who inspired The Nanny Diaries. (Some speculate it's Preppy Handbook author Lisa Birnbach.) Marc Ecko's CEO threw $500 in cash around during a company-sponsored booze cruise. Norman Reedus, Helena Christensen's baby daddy, is making a movie in which Richard Nixon sleeps with a hooker and then kills her. U.N. Secretary General Ban Ki Moon dined at Le Cirque with two tables' worth of security guards.

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Oh, Poor Fashion Week

Fewer Hollywood stars than usual are expected at Fashion Week when it starts September 5, because the Emmys and the MTV Video Music Awards are the same week. Dan Rather was confused by the "Thriller" dance stunt performed by Katie Couric's staff last week, though he thinks her job is safe. Arianna Huffington may be dating Newark mayor Cory Booker. Cuba Gooding Jr., who is married with three kids, recently made out with five girls in one night at Tenjune. Jeremy Piven got into a heated argument with his mother at Nobu Malibu, though it's unclear about what. Gwyneth Paltrow has been trekking around Spain with Mario Batali for a PBS cooking show (and hubby Chris Martin almost didn't get into the premiere of her brother's new movie). Cameron Diaz had a romantic dinner with John Mayer at Mai House in Tribeca. Residents of Martha's Vineyard are happy that Larry David and Laurie are broken up and that Larry is dating again.

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Britney, Lindsay, Paris, You're Fired!

Donald Trump is trying to get Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, and Paris Hilton to appear on his upcoming Celebrity Apprentice. Justin Timberlake hung out with a brunette at the Tribeca Grand. (Others say he hung out with six girls.) NBC co-chairman Ben Silverman is catching flack for not returning agents' phone calls and for passing out fake NBC tattoos at a company retreat, but he doesn't care about either. New York Giants co-owner Jonathan Tisch put up his Fifth Avenue bachelor pad for sale and will be renting a $75,000-a-month condo at Trump Park Avenue. Authorities are cracking down on the St. Tropez party scene and have recently broken up a cocaine and prostitution ring.

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Tinz and Olivia Hate Each Other More Than They Hate Genocide

Tinsley Mortimer and Olivia Palermo hate each other so much they couldn't jointly host a benefit for Darfur. John Mayer took Mandy Moore to lunch (at La Esquina) and Cameron Diaz to dinner (at Indochine) on the same day. New School president Bob Kerrey, a former governor and senator from Nebraska, might move back to run Chuck Hagel's senate seat. Ivanka Trump instituted a "no midriff, no bikini bottom" rule for her October Stuff magazine cover. Former Jets QB Joe Namath is now a grandfather, though his daughter is only 16. Billy Joel thinks his Hamptons benefit concert was overpriced — and not that good. A Mr. Chow is opening in Vegas. Giants safety Will Demps is done with groupies. A Maxim writer thinks Sanjaya and Adrian Grenier are doppelgängers.

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Here's … Billy?

Billy Crystal is looking to take over a late-night talk show. Jimmy Fallon proposed to longtime girlfriend Nancy Juvonen. Brett Ratner won't make as much money from Rush Hour 3 as he could have because it didn't meet expectations at the box office. A White House staffer didn't recognize David Beckham and asked if he was a friend or relative of the president. Val Kilmer dropped out of playing Adolph Hitler in Hebrew Hammer 2 because he was either scared or too bloated. Staffers at now-defunct Green Stone Media are complaining that the site won't file for bankruptcy because founders Jane Fonda and Gloria Steinem don't want to be embarrassed.

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