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The Return of Peter Gatien?

Deported former Limelight owner Peter Gatien might be coming back to the States because he is part Native American. CBS Evening News executive producer Rick Kaplan orchestrated an office dance-off to boost morale. Jewish boxer Dmitriy "Star of David" Salita, from Brooklyn, had his fight at Cipriani Downtown rescheduled because it fell on the Sabbath. Paris Hilton's crisis PR guy, Mike Sitrick, is the reason she's been out of the tabs lately, but friends say she can't keep up the act. Robin Williams went to an AA meeting in Greenwich. Cuba Gooding Jr. and Isiah Thomas hung out at Socialista.

Bella Abzug Was Not in ‘The Apartment’

Congresswoman Bella Azbug was once asked to be a stand-in for Shirley MacLaine in The Apartment, but she declined. On the set of her first movie, Kim Cattrall was told she resembled Marilyn Monroe, "not in looks, of course, but in lack of talent." Harold Ford and three blondes hung out at Blue Ribbon Sushi till 2 a.m. Chris Robinson is happy that ex Kate Hudson is dating Dax Shepard because now he has more time to hang out with their 3-year-old son. The kiddie imprint of Simon & Schuster is releasing a guide to orgy etiquette. Ted Turner still owes merely $642 million of the $1 billion he pledged to donate to the U.N. a decade ago. Elton John once tried to commit suicide by sticking his head in an oven, though he used a pillow and put the gas on low.

Insurance-Man Blues

Woody Allen once had to drop Winona Ryder and Robert Downey Jr. from a movie because no one would insure them — just like Lindsay Lohan is getting dropped because no one will insure her. 50 Cent claimed that he'll no longer put out any solo albums if Kanye West's Graduation outsells his record when they both debut on September 11. In Jay McInerney's latest book, Evelyn's is based on now-shuttered West 9th Street speakeasy Marylou's. Ashley Olsen says that she and sister Mary-Kate have a psychic bond and "carry the weight of each other." Chris Rock and Jerry Seinfeld ate together at the Brooklyn Diner. Cheryl Tiegs likes to play hard-to-get with guys.

Breaking: Lohans Not Best Parents

Lindsay Lohan's bodyguard claims Dina and Michael weren't the best parents. Maria Bartiromo pissed off PETA by posing in a Michael Kors coat with fox-fur cuffs. The Box smelled like burnt hair for two hours after a patron's hair caught on fire. Jay McCarroll's friend says he has an Upper West Side apartment, contrary to what the designer told New York. Katie Couric belted out "Sweet Caroline" at a piano bar in Nantucket. Harvey Weinstein picked Clint Eastwood to compose the score for John Cusack's new movie. City comptroller Bill Thompson says he was able to buy an apartment in Brooklyn shortly after graduating college in 1974, but his daughter couldn't even afford to rent one. Chris Noth will be in the Sex and the City movie.

Diddy-Diddling Denial

Kim Porter is in denial that Diddy is diddling Sienna Miller. (Also, his famous White Party is slated for September 2). Britney Spears was in a fender bender, after which she announced, "I'm a braniac!" On-again, off-again couple Marc Jacobs and Jason Preston are back on. Jeffrey Chodorow is keeping China Grill closed for a few extra days to get a new fridge and get rid of some insects. Phoenix Sun point guard Steve Nash got into a pickup soccer game at Central Park and scored two goals. The Freakanomics guys are moving their blog to the New York Times. Mort Zuckerman gets Harry Evan to help him write his weekly column in U.S. News. Chevy Chase found a $20 bill at a Hillary Clinton fund-raiser in the Hamptons. George Pataki is being considered for an ambassadorship.

Ba Ba Ba, Ba Barbaralee

Hollywood players like Ben Stiller, Toby Maguire, and Steven Spielberg can't figure out which Democrat to support for president, so they're donating to multiple ones. (Tom Hanks, Will Smith, and Jennifer Aniston, however, are firmly in Camp Obama.) Barbaralee Diamonstein-Spielvogel was passed over for appointment as executive director of New York State Council of the Arts, perhaps because she has donated money to Spitzer, who's now trying to look ethically pure. Gwen Stefani loves breast-feeding even though she's been getting bitten. Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz refused to be photographed with their KY Intimacy Kit swag bags at Lollapalooza because they were scared of Joe Simpson. Tracy Morgan wants to get his SCRAM ankle bracelet "blinged out" at Jacob the Jeweler.

Thy Neighbor's Wife, and Thy Own

Nan and Gay Talese are at work on his and her memoirs about their allegedly open marriage. Jon Bon Jovi is not pleased an energy drink named Mijovi is selling well near his New Jersey residence. Ted Koppel dropped the asking price for his Potomac, Maryland, residence from $4.1 million to $2.3 million. Hillary Clinton complained about the traffic in the Hamptons during her fund-raising stint out east. Stand-up comic Phil Stellar entertained an audience at the Ziegfeld after a movie projector broke during a showing of Hairspray. Meryl Streep says she was kicked out of Yale Drama School for not working hard enough. Gwyneth Paltrow uses face cream that contains snake venom.

Still Barkin Up Ron's Tree

Ellen Barkin claims that Ron Perelman owes her another $3.4 million because he promised to fund a production company for her and her brother. (She already got $40 million in the divorce.) Lindsay Lohan was dropped as the potential face of Louis Vuitton after stealing a lot of clothing during an Elle photo shoot. Sagg Pond in the Hamptons was jokingly renamed On Goldman Pond after Lloyd Blackfein and other GS employees bought houses on it. Some staffers at the Russian Tea Room claim the restaurant is haunted. Sumner Redstone may sell Paramount to settle family squabbling. Keith Richards did snort his dad's ashes — just not with cocaine.

It's His Prerogative

Bobby Brown beefed up security in Australia because he still thinks Osama bin Laden is after him. Former party girl Taylor Stein, who just had a baby with William Lauder, has dated a lot of very, very wealthy older men. A documentary producer claims Bobby Kennedy got into a shouting match with Marilyn Monroe the night she died, and not in the bedroom where her body was found. Mom of the Year Dina Lohan is being sued for allegedly failing to pay back a $400,000 loan she used to jump-start Lindsay's music career. ABC misspelled Whoopi Goldberg's name in a press release announcing her as the new host of The View. Rudy Giuliani made up for the fact that the Yankees lost Eric Gange to the Red Sox by raising $350,000 at a Greenwich fund-raiser. Chelsea Clinton tried, and failed, to quietly read Harry Potter on the 6 train. CBS News execs are not pleased with the performance of some of the company's interns. Tyra Banks attended a party for her Air Force cadet brother, who is going to Iraq.

Oprah's Politics Club

Oprah is throwing a $2,300-a-head fund-raiser for Barack Obama at her ranch in Montecito, California, and it's sold out. Writer Robert Olen Butler's wife, Elizabeth Dewberry, left him for Ted Turner, perhaps because Turner resembles the grandfather who once molested her. The Good Morning America intern who posed nude (for Playboy) is named Lace Rose Allenius, and she once dated Matt Dillon. Mayor Bloomberg, Donald Trump, Billy Crystal, and Joe Torre won a charity golf tourney by nine strokes. Uma Thurman is dating Elle Macpherson's ex, Swiss banker Arky Busson. Lindsay Lohan's bodyguard has received half-million-dollar offers to sell her out, but he won't do it. Members of Usher's camp maintain that fiancée Tameka Foster made up her "baby scare" so Usher would talk to her. Cindy Sheehan sang along to Cypress Hills' "Fuck the Pigs" while drinking beer at a Randalls Island concert.

The Future of the Species Depends on Paris Hilton

Paris Hilton has landed a starring role in a movie set in the year 2056, "when a plague nearly destroys the human race and survival is dependent upon being able to finance a pricey organ transplant." Anne Hathaway got into a fight with her boyfriend (who is being sued by Ron Burkle) during a screening of her movie in East Hampton, but she stayed with him at the after-party until the cops shut it down at 1 a.m. Madonna strolled into the Reebok Sports Club on Columbus Avenue without checking in. Tyra Banks and her family ate at Serendipity 3. The two assistants from Jane who were cast in SoapNet's Fashionista Diaries have been moved to CosmoGirl. Usher's pregnant girlfriend, whom he was slated to marry on Saturday until a last-minute cancellation, checked into a hospital for "pregnancy complications," though it may just be a ploy to get him back. Ivana Trump is set to get married for a third time, to Rossano Rubicondi.

Judi Giuliani, Puppy Killer?

Vanity Fair's forthcoming takedown of Judi Giuliani paints her as "opportunistic, puppy-killing homewrecker." ABC News employees were reminded not to surf for porn on company time after it was discovered that an intern had nude photos online. Married cosmetics heir William Lauder may be the illegitimate father of a child with nightlife honcho Howard Stein's daughter. Mets pitchers John Maine and Aaron Heilman partied at the Hawaiian Tropic Zone. New Yorker film critic Anthony Lane might not technically be married to the mother of his two children, journalist Allison Pearson. Penélope Cruz and Bono were spotted holding hands in St. Tropez. Star Jones claims women on TV get a raw financial deal. Rachael Ray and Ron Jeremy were in Saratoga for the opening of the racetrack.

A Money-er Honey?

CNBC "Money Honey" Maria Bartiromo is jealous of co-worker Erin Burnett because Burnett is becoming more popular than she is. An upcoming book about Katie Couric claims she planned to leave NBC a year before she actually did and that the staff of 60 Minutes thinks she's a "lightweight." State Senator Carl Kruger is not a fan of fellow Democrat Eliot Spitzer. Jeremy Shockey took a bunch of Giants teammates to Scores. The woman who blogged about Keith Olbermann's bedside manners is no longer maintaining her blog. Naomi Watts finally gave birth. Nora Ephron has spent a lot of time giving her breasts a workout. Christie Brinkley is spending $10.9 million to buy the house in North Haven next door to the one where Peter Cook had an affair.

Britney, Not Okay

During a recent photo shoot for OK!, Britney Spears fondled herself, peed in public, and walked away with $21,267 in clothing. Jay-Z is considering jumping from Island Def Jam to Columbia Records, perhaps because Jermaine Dupri was named president of Island's urban music division. A lot of coarse language will have to be edited out of the roast of Flavor Flav when it's aired on Comedy Central. Lauren Bacall can't find herself a man who isn't already married. Judi Giuliani hosted a fund-raising cocktail party at the Ritz-Carlton in Battery Park. Tom Brady and Donald Trump played golf at Trump's club in Westchester. Scary Spice is starting to hint at "troubling aspects" of ex-husband Eddie Murphy's lifestyle, but she hasn't specific. An upcoming book on personal hygiene portrays the French as rather smelly.

Si to Shutter ‘Teen Vogue’?

Teen Vogue may be the next Condé Nast magazine to fold. Some 370 girls auditioned to be Rockettes recently; two were hired. Reggie Jackson took issue with the scene in The Bronx Is Burning in which he loses his temper. Usher and Tameka Foster may be married in the Hamptons this week. Kelly Clarkson apologized to Clive Davis after realizing that her album was as bad as he claimed it was. Diddy wrote a song and shot a video about ex-girlfriend Kim Porter. A 9-year-old girl cried after being rebuffed for an autograph by Hilary Duff. Flava Flav got the celebrity-roast treatment. Elle is throwing a party for August cover girl Sarah Jessica Parker in the Hamptons. John Legend shopped for BBQ fixings at the Houston Street Whole Foods.

Gay Slur at the ‘Times’!

The top photo editor at the New York Times allegedly called a co-worker a faggot during an office party, and now she may lose her job. Jane Pratt showed up for a Playboy Bunny audition; she was told her tan wasn't good enough. Campbell Brown is leaving NBC for CNN. Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony pride themselves on being "normal." Hustler may publish the names of 30 politicians who frequented the D.C. madam. Natalie Portman wants you to know she does not get naked during Goya's Ghost. Shakira wants her fiancé to sign a prenup. Calum Best played strip truth-or-dare with a "gorgeous, straight, black male" while Lindsay Lohan was in another room.

Allah's Love We Deliver

Some Palestinians claim that Yasser Arafat died of AIDS. Justin Timberlake had Lance Bass and his boyfriend run interference at the opening of his Southern Hospitality so that he could sneak out without running into Jessica Biel. Donald Trump and other captains of industry are fighting to keep the heliport in Hudson River Park open. Firefighters invited to the screening of Adam Sandler's I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry took issue with Sandler's financial support of Rudy Giuliani. Jonathan Ames is set to box with another writer. Moby got a surprisingly funny letter from Karl Rove. A.M. Homes is developing a show about the Hamptons for HBO.

Paul Sorvino Is Full of Crap

A waste-hauling company dumped 60 cubic yards of horse manure onto Paul Sorvino's Pennsylvania driveway after he and his daughter disputed a bill. The feud between Sarah Jessica Parker and Kim Cattrall ended after Cattrall sent Parker flowers. Suge Knight bit Kevin Connolly's finger during a playful wrestling match after the ESPYs. Steve Martin is marrying Vogue writer Anne Stringfield. An upcoming documentary will allegedly "out" twenty gay Broadway actors and dancers who are trying to cure their homosexuality by attending underground support groups. A resident of Katonah has recorded an anti–Martha Stewart tune on YouTube in response to her effort to trademark the town's name for a line of furniture. CSI star Gary Dourdan assaulted a photographer, broke his camera, and then sped off on a motorcycle outside a West Hollywood club. Spencer Tunick — a.k.a. that guy who takes photos of large crowds of naked people — is planning a shoot in the Swiss Alps to raise awareness for global warming. David Duchovny likes Barry Manilow.

iGreedy

Sony chairman Howard Stringer called Steve Jobs "greedy" at the Allen & Co. conference. The main character of Doug Stumpf's Confessions of a Wall Street Shoeshine Boy may be based on pervy billionaire Jeffrey Epstein. Katie Holmes and Suri Cruise went to the Biography Bookstore in the West Village and then to Magnolia. Joe DiMaggio's brother Dom is not pleased the Yankee Clipper's diaries are for sale. Stone Phillips is leaving Dateline, and he bought his longtime assistant an Audi as a parting gift. Matt Damon wants Al Gore to run for president. Ashlee Simpson helped beau Pete Wentz conquer his fear of flying so Wentz could get to the Hamptons via seaplane. Democratic Leadership Council Chairman Harold Ford Jr. hung out with Jay-Z, Nas, and Kid Rock in Southampton. Jennifer Connelly and Paul Bettany brought their 4-year-old to the Children's Museum of Manhattan.

A Royal Pain

Prince's highly publicized performance at the Ross School in East Hampton didn't exactly get the crowd going. And he wouldn't attend the after-party until everyone else left. Padma Lakshmi has been spending a lot of time with billionaire Teddy Fortsmann. Hillary Clinton has a subscription to the Post but not the Daily News. Jon Lovitz put a beating on Andy Dick at an L.A. comedy club during an argument over murdered SNL star Phil Hartman. Paris Hilton drugged her newest boyfriend with pills. Naomi Campbell gets to throw a temper tantrum in a Dunkin' Donuts commercial directed by Zach Braff. Some staffers don't like the cubicles and the food-paying system in the new New York Times building.