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Headlines

  1. keeping up with the kardashians
    What the World Looked Like the Day Before Kim Kardashian Was BornIt’s hard to believe we ever lived in a world B.K. (before Kim).
  2. psychology
    This Headline Will Totally Mislead YouSorry.
  3. ink-stained wretches
    Where Have All the Headlines Gone?Has SEO killed the carefully-crafted header? One crusty columnist thinks so.
  4. early and often
    Media Glee at Clinton’s Fall Makes HeadlinesOur favorite titles from this morning’s “straight” news coverage of the collapse of Hillary Clinton’s campaign.
  5. in other news
    CNN Capitalizes on Its Own Callous WordplayA new line of T-shirts is available on CNN.com, using their sometimes-bizarre headlines as slogans.
  6. early and often
    So What Does the Liberal Media Think of Ralph Nader’s Latest Presidential Bid? We’ll admit it, we spent most of yesterday thinking about the Oscars. We tried to do our other normal Sunday things (hating the people in Page Six Magazine, hating the people in the New York Times wedding pages, hating Chris Matthews for having that voice so early in the morning), but most of the day was really devoted to looking forward to seeing George Clooney in a tux. And when Ralph Nader announced that he was running for president again, it was a small blip on our mental radar. (Come on, in competition with imagining what it would be like to be George’s human cummerbund, it didn’t stand much of a chance.) So this morning we decided to look online to see what other, less absurd members of the media, thought about the news. And it didn’t take much digging to discover the general, um, sentiment. An assortment of news headlines: • Nader, spoiling for a fight, says he’ll run yet again. [LA Times] • Spoilin’ for a Prez Run, Says Nader [NYDN] • Nader’s back, spoiling for another White House fight [AFP • Nader enters race, rejecting label of potential ‘spoiler’ [Boston Globe] • Ron Paul: Spoiler? [U.S. News & World Report] This is going to be fun, isn’t it?
  7. in other news
    Bad Dreams Funny thing we noticed last night about People magazine: People seem to be having a lot of nightmares lately. (Above, this week’s cover at left and the May 28 cover at right.) Horrific family tragedy equals, apparently, a lazy headline writer’s dream! Horror in the Night [People]
  8. in other news
    The Way We Live Now This is the happiest thing we’ve read in the Times in weeks. Naturally, we won’t actually read the article; we’re sure it’s only downhill from here. Its Poor Reputation Aside, Our Fat Is Doing Us a Favor [NYT]
  9. the morning line
    How Now Dow Jones? • Thirty or so Bancrofts are converging on a Boston Hilton today to discuss whether they’d like some more money. (Actually, spread across the clan, the estimated $500 million in profit a Dow Jones sale would bring doesn’t sound like a staggering amount.) [NYT] • Councilman and former Black Panther Charles Barron (he of the “Sonny Carson” avenue-renaming idea Bloomberg called “the worst ever”) announced he’s running to replace Marty Markowitz as the Brooklyn beep. Should be a lively campaign, as they say. [NYP] • In rapper-arrest news, Lil Wayne and Ja Rule have been picked up on separate (!) gun-possession charges in busts an hour apart. [WNBC] • Midtown businesses that lost money to last week’s steam-pipe blast will not see a red cent from Con Ed — not even restaurants that lost their supplies to spoilage when the power was cut. Some are threatening to sue. [NYDN] • And the Yankees beat the Devil Rays 21-4 last night, which both tabs agree puts the team in the “21 Club.” Yuk yuk yuk. [NYDN, NYP]
  10. the in-box
    Please Call Andrea Peyser a BimboWednesday we pointed out what might well be the best New York Post cover ever, a Photoshop job of adoring throngs lifting a fresh-out-of- prison Paris Hilton. But we also noticed a curious coincidence: “Paris Liberated, Bimbos Rejoice,” read the cover line — and inside the paper marquee columnist Andrea Peyser was, in fact, rejoicing. Was the Post calling its own writer a bimbo? And, if so, how would she feel about that? From today’s e-mail: From: Peyser, Andrea [SMTP:xxxx@nypost.com] Sent: Friday, June 29, 2007 11:00:56 AM To: intel Subject: bimbo? I love you! Oh, we love you, too, you little bimbo. Earlier: ‘Post’ Either Loves or Hates Paris Hilton
  11. in other news
    Perhaps the Worst ‘Post’ Headline Ever We can’t wait for tomorrow’s article on rent increases planned by greedy and presumably hook-nosed landlords, “Rent Kikes Demand Rent Hikes.” Doo-Wops Demand Don’t-Wops [NYP]
  12. cultural capital
    ‘Times’ Couplets: Nobody Mention the Elephant in the RoomWherein we arrange Times headlines in verse to bring you secret messages from the paper of record. Tough Time Ahead for President New War Czar Wins Praise, but White House Is Faulted — Lack of Access to Polling Places, For ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,’ Split on Party Lines, It’s Subpoena Time! Lies, Sighs and Politics Victory, Defeat, Reality — Part Coach, Part Motivator and 100 Percent Welcomed: Waiting for Al Gore. They Always Come Out Ahead; Bet on It? Let’s Twist Again, Dude, as the Screws Turn.
  13. cultural capital
    They Report, You Decide?Wherein we arrange Times headlines in verse to bring you secret messages from the paper of record. Still Unsettled in Wake of New Questions What Seller Wants a Low Price? Who Says They’re Too Old to Stay in the Game? Where’s the Other Half of Your Music File? Any Wonder It Wasn’t Built in a Day? How Weird Are Your Daydreams? Time Wasted? Perhaps It’s Well Spent. Who Says Warming Is a Problem? Where Now, for the Wind? An Answer to Help Clear His Fog….? Break a Confidence? Never. Well, Hardly Ever.
  14. cultural capital
    ‘Times’ Couplets: Must We Pay to Drive to Midtown?Wherein we arrange Times headlines in verse to bring you secret messages from the paper of record. Mayor Has New Plan to Cite Drivers Who Block the Box Ignoring the Warnings, Again? In This Clash, Both Sides Are Good: No Segways Needed. Get Moving on Traffic Relief. Get Out and Go, Erin. Go Faster!
  15. cultural capital
    ‘Times’ Couplets: Watch Where You’re Going!Wherein we arrange Times’ headlines in verse to bring you secret messages from the paper of record. The Troubles: A Walking Tour No Sleep Is Part of the Ordeal. Passing Mile Markers, Snapping Pictures Woman Falls Through Sidewalk Grate. Going Like 60 (Tick Tick Tick) The Suns Forge Ahead Without Stopping for Pity. Rescuers Try to Lure Lost Whales With Sound. 5-Year-Old Marathoner to Walk 300 Miles — Not for Kids Only, Seeking Buccaneer Bliss. A Long Road Ahead, The Last Eden. Paradise Preserved — in a Restless Continent. —Lizzie Skurnick
  16. cultural capital
    ‘Times’ Couplets: Finally Over That Whole Tea-Party ThingWherein we arrange Times headlines in verse to bring you secret truths from the paper of record. Back in U.S., Queen Celebrates Ex-Colony Hopper’s America, in Shadow and Light: Sometimes You Can Go Home Again. Confusion and Deception as a Royal Family Affair In a New Space and Time, a Classic Story of Tragic Love, Family Values, Betrayed. As the Climate Changes, Bits of England’s Coast Crumble Away From Her– Time’s Wounds. And the Heart’s? Yankees Find Just Enough to Get By. —Lizzie Skurnick
  17. cultural capital
    ‘Times’ Couplets: The Children Are the FutureWherein we arrange Times headlines in verse to bring you secret truths from the paper of record. Mankind’s Appetite for Destruction in the 20th Century One Bad Swing Can Often Lead to Another: The Drama of Daytime: Friendships, Feuds and Fury; Murky Emotions Floating to the Surface, The Pressure of Great Expectations — Struggles to Regain Equilibrium. Digging for Clams and Difficult Answers (Not Any Time Soon) Seek Balance of Unity and Differences. Glimpsing the Future (and a Babe) Change the World (and That Diaper). —Lizzie Skurnick
  18. cultural capital
    ‘Times’ Couplets: There’s No Place Like HomeWherein we arrange Times headlines in verse to bring you secret truths from the paper of record. An Anglophilic Yankee Aristocrat and His Finds Across the Pond From Asia to the Caribbean to New York, Appetite Intact, Putting Up His Dukes, for His Country, His Race and Money, Going Against the Flow. Ferry Required? No Bridge, No Problem. Solitude and the Sea… A Brutal Passage From India to Misery at Sea, and Back. Innocence or Experience? An American Tale. On Friendly Turf, Suggests History Will Be Kind to Him. —Lizzie Skurnick
  19. cultural capital
    ‘Times’ Couplets: Not Everyone’s Built to Be a Man-eaterWherein we arrange Times headlines in verse to bring you secret messages from the paper of record. Manhunt Begins Hooking a Big One? Revolution Begins at the Beauty Salon. Sallie Mae Said to Talk to Suitors — No Matter the Message, It’s Delivered With Dazzle. Mixing Poise and Panache Parise Wastes Little Time in Firing Up the Devils. Sharon’s “Condition” Is Said to Improve: Statistics Show Ups, Downs and Betweens. When the Haunted One Turns Into the Hunter Paris Believes in Tears (and Love and Real Estate). From Call Girl to Kant Girl in a Flash of White Panties Giving All for Her Country but Also Feeling the Pain. —Lizzie Skurnick
  20. in other news
    But Women Who Don’t Use the Word? They’re Just Fine With ItCurrently on CNN.com: Is it wrong of us to think this is by far the most amusing headline to come out of the Imus mess? It probably is. Sorry. CNN.com
  21. cultural capital
    ‘Times’ Couplets: Monogamy?Wherein we arrange Times headlines in verse to bring you secret messages from the paper of record. On Gilded Sharks and Loverboys Gotta Minute? So, There’s This Guy Tony … Going With the Flow. Enter an Old Rival, Again Material Muse for Some Strange Bedfellows (Latin Lovers) Creatures More Slothful Than You and Me. Three-Way Connection of Minds and Bodies; Episodes of Vanity; Whimsy Collides With Tragedy. See You in Court, Sweetie!
  22. in other news
    The Remarkable Things You Can Learn From ‘Newsday’ Slashing, cursing, and spitting? In hockey? Say it ain’t so! ‘Ice Girls’: Punish Rangers for Slashing, Spitting [Newsday]
  23. in other news
    Trimming the Membership Which makes sense: It’s the members, after all, that bear the brunt of it. N.Y./Region [NYT]
  24. cultural capital
    ‘Times’ Couplets: A Rebellion in the Food ChainWherein we arrange times couplets in verse to bring you secret messages from the paper of record. Communing With Nature on a Grand Scale The Way the World Ends, Vividly Imagined? No Pet Left Behind: Rats in His Sights, and in His Backpack, Too Maple Leafs Fall, Crosby Lifts Penguins, A Featherless Audubon Menagerie Romping With Henry and His Rat Pack. Bulls Clinch Berth in Playoffs With the Greatest of Ease; Unusually Good Food at an Unusual Hill May Lower Scallop Population. The Vicious Victim, Pork Goes to War. —Lizzie Skurnick
  25. the morning line
    What the Bell? • This shouldn’t necessarily sway anyone’s opinion about the Sean Bell shooting, but it’s, um, interesting: A drug dealer tells the police he was once shot by Bell. Cops call the story credible (shocker). [NYDN] • Wesley Autrey, the Subway Superman, gains a Subway Lex Luthor in lawyer Diane Kleiman. Kleiman and her partner have allegedly swindled Autrey into a deal that would give them half of whatever he gets (book advance, speaking fees, etc.). [NYP] • Jacob the Jeweler is heading to the courtroom on some serious charges: helping launder $270 million in drug money for a Detroit-based crime ring. Now that’s cred. [AP via amNY] • JPMorgan Chase has released a twelve-page assessment that itemizes Brooke Astor’s fortune: $41 million in real estate, $23.5 million in stocks, and $816 in the bank. [NYT] • And the day’s Headless Body Award (it’s our new, ad-hoc headline-pun prize) goes to Metro New York, for running the gamut from the awesome “Marky Marksman” (a Shooter review) to the god-awful “An Indie-sent Proposal” (a SXSW feature). [MetroNY]
  26. in other news
    Yet Another Way You Can Screw Up Your Kids No doubt because the day-care workers are praising them too much. Poor Behavior Is Linked to Time in Day Care [NYT] How Not to Talk to Your Kids [NYM]
  27. cultural capital
    Better Buy a Hybrid Wherein we arrange Times headlines in verse to bring you secret knowledge from the Gray Lady. Real Stars of Darwin’s Turf Just Like Life, With Quiet Journeys and Cosmic Whirls Call for Speed Limit Has German Blood at 178 m.p.h. Boil. Bending Toward Elegance With a Virtuosic Efficiency, Fiat Plans a Low-Cost Car. Relighting Snuffed Candles, Green Energy Enthusiasts Are Also Betting on Fossil Fuels… Between the Precise Layers, a Cultural Narrative: The Sky Is Falling. Really. The Greenness of Al Gore— Do You Know Where Your Slogan Is?
  28. cultural capital
    ‘Times’ Couplets: Even the Galaxy Knows Urban RenewalWherein we arrange Times headlines in verse to bring you secret knowledge from the Gray Lady. Big Wishes, Easy Credit, Tough Times “A Seedy Stretch, Sure, but Worth Saving, Denizens Say— (Faith-Based Initiative). Modernity and Tradition at a Cultural Crossroads”— Where Is the Clarion Call to Arms? Winners Amid Gloom and Doom Describe How They Hope to Improve the World. (Take a Big Hit? Then Deliver a Bigger Blow.) Dividing Wall Starts to Fall … Finding Peace, and Looking for a Job, Saturn Goes Back to Warm and Fuzzy, Finds He Can Go Home Again— Goes Around, Comes Around.
  29. cultural capital
    ‘Times’ Couplets: Urban CowboysWherein we arrange headlines in verse to bring you secret messages from the paper of record. Man Is Convicted of Attempted Murder as Hate Crime in Village Rampage Athlete and a ‘Cultured’ Tarzan Savior of a Crumbling Village, Dies. ‘The Rats Will Not Win,’ Chief Varmint Hunter Vows Hunting a Killer as the Age of Aquarius Dies. In the Shootout, Two Stars, One Goal— More Than Just Two Ex-Cowboys Hitting the Road for Some Hot Man-on-Bike Action, Exploring Identity as a Problematic Condition. Deconstructing the Costs, and Emotions, of Warfare Everything Crumbles Toward Eternities— The Big Meltdown A Suddenly Convenient Truth. Imagine More Hope, All Ye Who Enter Here. As Night Falls, Farmer Trades His Tractor for the Blues.
  30. in other news
    Perhaps the Best Headline Ever Published by the New York ‘Times’ It’s like some Mitteleuropean Fail-Safe. Only, you know, less tragic. Swiss Accidentally Invade Lichtenstein [NYT]
  31. in other news
    Dick Cheney Will Outlive Us All Above CNN.com’s top headline right now. It raises the question: Are investors balking because Cheney was attacked? Or because he wasn’t hurt? Global Worries Slam Wall Street [CNN.com]
  32. cultural capital
    You Might Want to Skip LunchWherein we arrange Times headlines in verse to bring you secret messages from the paper of record. All the Body’s a Stage Brother Who Left Wine for Cheese, Dies — Agency Confirms That Peanut Butter Was Tainted. Boston Police to Destroy Pepper-Spray Guns: Bile and Vitriol by the Ton, and Yet Still Never Enough. As Piazza Sips Elixir of Youth, Williams Nips a Bitter Tonic — Only the Swans Know Why a Love Has Died…. Aid Sought for Fishermen: Half-Ton Squid Reeled In, A Tomato Soup Can, and a Pocketful of Coins. Let Them Eat Foie Gras (Gift Bags Are So Last Year).
  33. cultural capital
    The Post-Valentine’s Day VerdictIn which our faithful correspondent arranges Times headlines in verse to bring you secret messages from the paper of record. On a Clear Day … Looking to the Future, Living With the Past, There’s Good News and Bad News The Past Masks the Present, New Grievance Deepens Old Quarrels A Collision of Role Players on the Busy Avenue of Life, Transcending Pain, a Friendship Fed on Imagination — Adventures in Geometry and Color, as Well as Dancing, Blasts of Color, Evoking Memories Freedom from Fear? Think Small. Forget What You Know: Listen Anew — All Eyes Are on You.
  34. cultural capital
    Have Fun, Kiddies! (Just Use Protection)Wherein our faithful correspondent arranges Times headlines to bring you secret truths from the paper of record. The Romance of a Dozen Roses, the Gritty Reality of a Truckload In Defense of the Desperate (And the Notorious), Who’s Afraid of an Artist Who Loved Flowers? Relics of the 19th Century, in a Sentimental Mood He’s Bringing Commitment Back (and Not in a Box). How He Arrived at That Acquired Taste? A Turnaround Born of Pain, Now Yielding Opportunity: Sex, Repressed and Unleashed— The Big Bang and the Bucks Set to Collide in Inner Space. A Matter of Fair Play… A Cigar Isn’t Just a Cigar? Ay-Ay-Ay.
  35. in other news
    Rupert Murdoch Is Shocked, Shocked by ScandalmongeringAt the McGraw-Hill Media Summit yesterday, Rupert Murdoch confirmed that his Fox Business Channel will debut in the fall of this year, and he explained how it will differ from its GE-owned competition, CNBC: It will be more restrained and responsible. “They leap on every scandal,” he said of CNBC. Murdoch’s New York Post, for example, today displayed News Corp.’s vaunted corporate restraint in the face of scandal. “Anna Nicole Mystery: Was It Murder?” asks its front page, soberly. — Lori Fradkin News Corp. Plans Fox Business Channel This Fall [AP via USAT]
  36. in other news
    ‘Thursday Styles’ Synchronicity Achieved Well, she’d know. Fashion & Style [NYT]
  37. cultural capital
    ‘Times’ Couplets: Poetic Truths in the Paper of RecordWherein we arrange Times headlines in rhyme for your poetical amusement. Today’s message: Things just aren’t working out. The Rules Are Different, but a Rivalry Remains To Execute, or Not to Execute? That Is the Uneasy Question. Approach Boss With Caution: New Low on ‘Idol’?” All Together: Let’s Go, Jack. Let’s Go, Jill. A Talking Head Meets His Comic Doppelgänger, and Sparks Fail to Fly. Innovator and Master, Side by Side, Royal Ruffled by Aide and Partner; Nowhere to Turn for Shelter— Very Strange and Very Naked— Apology Not Accepted.
  38. the morning line
    First Things First • Not everything changed on Day One, but — with five executive orders signed before 9 a.m. yesterday — newly minted Governor Eliot Spitzer came as close to making good on the slogan as any politician in recent memory. The big ones concern state workers: restrictions on lobbying and, famously, a near-total ban on gifts. Oh, sure — after Christmas. [NYT] • The city took all of twelve hours to put the year’s first murder on the books: Brooklyn’s Jonathon Ridley, 26, received a fatal bullet in the back. He was merely the unluckiest of the ten people shot citywide during New Year’s celebrations. [NYDN] • A belated note to the writer of the Post headline “Leona Lackeys Caught ‘Inn’ Drug Sting”: You can’t really pun on prepositions. Also, duh. [NYP] • Coney Island’s indefatigable Polar Bear Club made news for the wrong reason after a swimmer knocked his head and almost drowned during the annual fund-raising mass dip. The water, for the record, was 48 degrees, falling well short of polar and more into a cold-shower category. [NYDN] • And fainting maidens are to blame for subway delays, says the MTA; in fact, overzealous dieters who skip breakfast and proceed to get sick on the train have emerged as — are you ready for this? — the No. 3 cause of late trains. So, by extension, it’s patriarchy’s fault. [amNY]
  39. cultural capital
    ‘Times’ Couplets: Poetic Truths in the Paper of RecordWherein we arrange headlines from the Times in rhyme to bring you secret communiqués from the center of the universe. Today’s message: Remember the greediest. Pfizer’s Ex-Chief to Get Full Retirement Package BlackBerry Maker’s Profit Beats Forecast $14.8 Million Bonus at Bear Stearns; A Boom Year for Mergers and a Furious Pace for Law Firms Fidelity Makes Restitution in Gifts Case: Generosity on Display — An Artful Give and Take Surviving These Blessings Is, Hey, Another Blessing Comfortable Shoes Recommended
  40. in other news
    And They Shall Call It ‘iTimes’The Times is looking at creating a new, youth-oriented tabloid edition of the paper, according to a report in today’s Observer. Everyone knows print media is the place to be nowadays, so this move makes perfect sense. But what would Times articles look like when tweaked for a young, hip, ADD audience? We’ve taken the liberty of rewriting today’s Page One heads to make them, as the kids say, “something we would, you know, read.” No worries, Bill. You’re welcome. Bush Concedes Iraq War More Difficult Than He Expected Okay. You Know When You Try to Crack iTunes? Fear and Hope in Immigrant’s Furtive Existence No iPod, No Green Card: Here’s the Deal Public Universities Chase Excellence, at a Price State School: Not Cheap In This Town, Even a Mall Rat Can Get Rattled One Town, Many Abercrombies Fanfare for Ham, a Country Cousin Mmmm. Ham. Times Dreams Little Free Tabloid Project, Aims for Elusive Young [NYO]
  41. in other news
    The New York ‘Post’ Will Never Cut and Run (We Hope)We have nothing to add to today’s Post wood. We just wanted to make sure you saw it. And we wanted to make sure you realize how much poorer life in our fair city would be without the delightfully gleeful nut jobs at the Post. Thank you, Rupert, for this philanthropic contribution to city life, and may you never — even in the face of continuing multi-million-dollar losses at the paper — become a surrender monkey. Iraq ‘Appease’ Squeeze on W. [NYP]
  42. the morning line
    Everything Good Is Bad for You • A massive, almost Gangs of New York–style group fight in the unlikeliest of settings — Union Square’s Greenmarket — left one teenager dead. The two bands of high-school rivals, numbering around 50, wielded “canes, belts, fists and more.” Another teen is in serious condition at St. Vincent’s with multiple stab wounds. [WNBC] • Vegetables are bad for you, part two: Two more Taco Bells closed, both on Long Island, amid region-wide E. coli poisonings (99 to date and counting). The infection has been traced, surprisingly, to the scallions the company sprinkles atop its ground mystery meat. [amNY] • Reading is bad for you: P.S. 150 in Queens is pulling a young-adult book about coming out, a poetry collection that uses naughty words, and other titles. [NYDN] • Tishman Speyer, taking a break from its historic buying spree, casually set another record by selling 666 Fifth Avenue — which the company bought six years ago for about $500 million — to the Kushner family for $1.8 billion, the largest sum ever paid for a single building. [NYT] • And the Times runs a thoughtful piece about the perils of taking the little ones to Broadway shows. In a case of unfortunate placement, however, the article is rendered unbelievably gross by its proximity to another report: “Broadway Actor Denies Sex Charge.” Yet another peril. [NYT]
  43. in other news
    News Corp. Continues Staying Classy From the front page of today’s Post. It’s almost like they think they’re — how to put it? — getting away with murder. Earlier: News Corp. Stays Classy, Cancels O.J. Project
  44. in other news
    ‘Post’ Has (Chow) Fun With Words!“Egg Foo Gun” was Monday’s Post headline on a story about a gun smuggled into a hospital in a Chinese-food carton. In today’s follow-up, the paper reports that “the moo goo gai gun was found by another cop before any hot-and-sour beef could erupt.” And it’s a good thing, we realized, that the firearm was found before anything bad happened — we’re thus spared the tale of a kung pow being heard from the crab ran-gun, the start of a potential mu shootout. The last thing this city needs is more terror-yaki. — Lori Fradkin Egg Foo Gun [NYP] ‘Dopey’ Inmate Busted [NYP]
  45. the morning line
    Remembering 587 • A new memorial to American 587’s crash, the second-deadliest air disaster in U.S. history, was dedicated Sunday in Belle Harbor. It’s a curved granite wall with the victims’ names and a line from a poem in Spanish (most of the 265 victims were Dominicans heading to Santo Domingo). On the crash site itself, residential construction is in full swing. [NYT] • If you lived through the transit strike last year, you kind of hated union boss Roger Toussaint. And that was before you knew he had a secret deal with the MTA while the strike was still going on, as the Daily News reveals today. What a guy. [NYDN] • A high-powered Manhattan lawyer was found dead near his abandoned BMW in an upstate bird sanctuary — an apparent suicide; the man was out on $225,000 bail on a rape charge he vehemently denied. [NYP] • The flap over Charlie Rangel’s already-infamous “Who the hell wants to live in Mississippi?” continues, with local newspapers there alternately asking the feisty congressman to come visit their fair state and heaving invective on New York. [Gotham Gazette] • And what’s the Post’s headline of the day? There are plenty of contenders, from “Mick Jagger Rocks On in Grief” to “Bearied!” but we’ll go with Egg Foo Gun, about a handgun smuggled into a hospital in a Chinese-food carton. Well done, Post. [NYP]
  46. the morning line
    Everything Is Beautiful; It’s Morning in America • While bleary-eyed Democrats are gloating like Posties on circ day, let’s go over the entirely unsurprising results of local races. Hillary made quick work of John Spencer (Blues Explosion! Get it?), Spitzer is your new and already boring governor, Cuomo crushed Pirro, and Alan Hevesi is back, uh, behind the wheel. [NYT, NYDN, NYP] • The suspect is talking, and more lurid and ultimately depressing details of the Adrienne Shelly murder are emerging. Nineteen-year-old illegal immigrant Diego Pillco says he strangled the actress with a sheet after she called him a “son of a bitch,” because he took the insult literally. [NYP] • The Transit Authority is installing digital cameras on 450 city buses — and up to seven cameras per bus. We’re not sure how to feel about this one, and the manufacturers are not helping much by saying things like “The bus is always recording, everywhere, all of the time.” [NYDN] • The city is mulling the Lower East Side rezoning proposal that would put the kibosh on the future skyscrapers in the neighborhood. The Department of Planning says it wants new buildings capped at 80 feet (about eight stories); activists want the bar lowered to 60. No word on color restrictions. [amNY] • And finally, we’ll just slavishly repeat the headline here: “Woman Hurt In ‘Shake-It-Like-Shakira’ Contest Sues NYC Bar.” Because, really, what can be added to that? Only a lame joke about how hips make good witnesses (they don’t lie). But we’re above that. [WNBC]
  47. the morning line
    Don’t Stop Thinking About, Oh, Roughly Nine O’Clock Tonight • Let’s see in what spirit the three papers sent us off to the voting booth. Daily News: “Dems Expected to Sweep State.” Post: “Dems Dimming Celebration; A Bitty Less Giddy As Polls Tighten Up.” And Times: “For Democrats, Even a Gain May Feel Like a Failure.” Jeez, Adam Nagourney, every silver lining’s got a touch of gray, eh? [NYDN; NYP; NYT] • The opening date for the World Trade Center [Memorial Museum] is getting quietly pushed back from 2009 to [mid-2010]. The brackets are for our own use, as we’re probably just going to be copying and pasting this one in the future. A lot. [NYDN] • The teacher’s union reached a deal with the City Hall on a new contract a year before the old one expires, circumventing the tedious ritual wherein one side threatens a strike, the other acts scared, and both incrementally slouch toward compromise. Oh, well, next time. The teachers’ salaries may rise over 7 percent under the deal. [NYS] • But maybe not for this one: Another teacher-student affair, and this time, just to make matters that much more sordid, the school’s principal is getting fired for a full-blown cover-up. The assistant principal may get the boot for not cooperating with the investigation. [NYT] • And the AP reports that more and more New Yorkers are getting their marijuana delivered to the door by courteous, well-organized, corporate-style couriers, “even on Christmas.” Now that’s quality of life. [AP via Boston Herald]
  48. in other news
    The Knicks’ 2006-2007 Season, Told Entirely in Speculative ‘Post’ HeadlinesLast year, the Knicks employed the league’s most expensive roster and lost three-quarters of their games. Tonight in Memphis, they begin their long-anticipated quest to lose only three-fifths of their games. It’s pretty much the same team, a group of incompatible underachievers either past their prime or not even within shouting distance of it. Having shed the pernicious influence of Hall of Fame coach Larry Brown, they hand it all over to the man most responsible for making the mess in the first place: Isiah Thomas. Since the Post’s sports editors will probably have quite a lot of puns to cook up, we thought we’d help them get a head start: Nov. 21: DOUBTING THOMAS: 12 losses to open season put Isiah on hot seat Dec. 3: NATE THE GREAT! Runty Robinson misses 10 dunks on one possession, then hits buzzer-beating 360 alley-oop windmill to net Knicks’ first victory Dec. 5: STEVIE KNICKS! Francis breaks out of monthlong slump, leads Garden gang to 2nd win in a row Dec. 10: HOOKED ON STEPHONICS!!! Starbury stellar in Knicks’$2 3rd straight win
  49. in other news
    At the MTA, Delays Are All Relative There are many wonderful things about the might-actually-eventually-finally-sort-of-happen Second Avenue subway. Among them are increased access to the far East Side of Manhattan, decreased crowding on the Lexington Avenue lines, and the creation of New York’s very own T, which is bound to please transplanted Bostonians. There’s also this: When else do you get to refer to a project delayed for some 80 years as having an “early start”? 2nd Ave Subway Could Get Early Start [amNY] The Line That Time Forgot [NYM]
  50. in other news
    Fun With Local Papers’ Headlines: ‘One of These Things Is Not Like the Others’ Edition Old-lefty defense attorney Lynne Stewart was sentenced yesterday to 28 months in prison for smuggling messages out of prison for her convicted terrorist client, Sheik Omar Abdel Rahman. The government had requested a 30-year sentence. Here are five local papers’ headlines on today’s story: “Stewart Gets 28 Months on Terror Charge” “Terror Lawyer Off Light” “Lawyer, Facing 30 Years, Gets 28 Months, to Dismay of U.S.” “Civil Rights Lawyer Gets 28 Months in Prison” “Wrist Slap for Smirk Jerk Terror Attorney” So, can you guess which one is the Post’s? Earlier: Lynne Stewart Sentence Begins; Chaos Ensues
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