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‘Times’ Couplets: A Rebellion in the Food Chain

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Wherein we arrange times couplets in verse to bring you secret messages from the paper of record. Communing With Nature on a Grand Scale The Way the World Ends, Vividly Imagined? No Pet Left Behind: Rats in His Sights, and in His Backpack, Too Maple Leafs Fall, Crosby Lifts Penguins, A Featherless Audubon Menagerie Romping With Henry and His Rat Pack. Bulls Clinch Berth in Playoffs With the Greatest of Ease; Unusually Good Food at an Unusual Hill May Lower Scallop Population. The Vicious Victim, Pork Goes to War. —Lizzie Skurnick

What the Bell?

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• This shouldn't necessarily sway anyone's opinion about the Sean Bell shooting, but it's, um, interesting: A drug dealer tells the police he was once shot by Bell. Cops call the story credible (shocker). [NYDN] • Wesley Autrey, the Subway Superman, gains a Subway Lex Luthor in lawyer Diane Kleiman. Kleiman and her partner have allegedly swindled Autrey into a deal that would give them half of whatever he gets (book advance, speaking fees, etc.). [NYP] • Jacob the Jeweler is heading to the courtroom on some serious charges: helping launder $270 million in drug money for a Detroit-based crime ring. Now that's cred. [AP via amNY] • JPMorgan Chase has released a twelve-page assessment that itemizes Brooke Astor's fortune: $41 million in real estate, $23.5 million in stocks, and $816 in the bank. [NYT] • And the day's Headless Body Award (it's our new, ad-hoc headline-pun prize) goes to Metro New York, for running the gamut from the awesome "Marky Marksman" (a Shooter review) to the god-awful "An Indie-sent Proposal" (a SXSW feature). [MetroNY]

Better Buy a Hybrid

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Wherein we arrange Times headlines in verse to bring you secret knowledge from the Gray Lady.
Real Stars of Darwin's Turf
Just Like Life, With Quiet Journeys and Cosmic Whirls Call for Speed Limit Has German Blood at 178 m.p.h. Boil. Bending Toward Elegance With a Virtuosic Efficiency, Fiat Plans a Low-Cost Car. Relighting Snuffed Candles, Green Energy Enthusiasts Are Also Betting on Fossil Fuels... Between the Precise Layers, a Cultural Narrative: The Sky Is Falling. Really. The Greenness of Al Gore— Do You Know Where Your Slogan Is?

‘Times’ Couplets: Even the Galaxy Knows Urban Renewal

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Wherein we arrange Times headlines in verse to bring you secret knowledge from the Gray Lady. Big Wishes, Easy Credit, Tough Times "A Seedy Stretch, Sure, but Worth Saving, Denizens Say— (Faith-Based Initiative). Modernity and Tradition at a Cultural Crossroads"— Where Is the Clarion Call to Arms? Winners Amid Gloom and Doom Describe How They Hope to Improve the World. (Take a Big Hit? Then Deliver a Bigger Blow.) Dividing Wall Starts to FallFinding Peace, and Looking for a Job, Saturn Goes Back to Warm and Fuzzy, Finds He Can Go Home AgainGoes Around, Comes Around.

‘Times’ Couplets: Urban Cowboys

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Wherein we arrange headlines in verse to bring you secret messages from the paper of record. Man Is Convicted of Attempted Murder as Hate Crime in Village Rampage Athlete and a 'Cultured' Tarzan Savior of a Crumbling Village, Dies. 'The Rats Will Not Win,' Chief Varmint Hunter Vows Hunting a Killer as the Age of Aquarius Dies. In the Shootout, Two Stars, One GoalMore Than Just Two Ex-Cowboys Hitting the Road for Some Hot Man-on-Bike Action, Exploring Identity as a Problematic Condition. Deconstructing the Costs, and Emotions, of Warfare Everything Crumbles Toward EternitiesThe Big Meltdown A Suddenly Convenient Truth. Imagine More Hope, All Ye Who Enter Here. As Night Falls, Farmer Trades His Tractor for the Blues.

You Might Want to Skip Lunch

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Wherein we arrange Times headlines in verse to bring you secret messages from the paper of record. All the Body's a Stage Brother Who Left Wine for Cheese, DiesAgency Confirms That Peanut Butter Was Tainted. Boston Police to Destroy Pepper-Spray Guns: Bile and Vitriol by the Ton, and Yet Still Never Enough. As Piazza Sips Elixir of Youth, Williams Nips a Bitter TonicOnly the Swans Know Why a Love Has Died.... Aid Sought for Fishermen: Half-Ton Squid Reeled In, A Tomato Soup Can, and a Pocketful of Coins. Let Them Eat Foie Gras (Gift Bags Are So Last Year).

The Post-Valentine's Day Verdict

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In which our faithful correspondent arranges Times headlines in verse to bring you secret messages from the paper of record. On a Clear Day ... Looking to the Future, Living With the Past, There's Good News and Bad News The Past Masks the Present, New Grievance Deepens Old Quarrels A Collision of Role Players on the Busy Avenue of Life, Transcending Pain, a Friendship Fed on ImaginationAdventures in Geometry and Color, as Well as Dancing, Blasts of Color, Evoking Memories Freedom from Fear? Think Small. Forget What You Know: Listen Anew — All Eyes Are on You.

Have Fun, Kiddies! (Just Use Protection)

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Wherein our faithful correspondent arranges Times headlines to bring you secret truths from the paper of record. The Romance of a Dozen Roses, the Gritty Reality of a Truckload In Defense of the Desperate (And the Notorious), Who's Afraid of an Artist Who Loved Flowers? Relics of the 19th Century, in a Sentimental Mood He's Bringing Commitment Back (and Not in a Box). How He Arrived at That Acquired Taste? A Turnaround Born of Pain, Now Yielding Opportunity: Sex, Repressed and UnleashedThe Big Bang and the Bucks Set to Collide in Inner Space. A Matter of Fair Play... A Cigar Isn't Just a Cigar? Ay-Ay-Ay.

Rupert Murdoch Is Shocked, Shocked by Scandalmongering

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At the McGraw-Hill Media Summit yesterday, Rupert Murdoch confirmed that his Fox Business Channel will debut in the fall of this year, and he explained how it will differ from its GE-owned competition, CNBC: It will be more restrained and responsible. "They leap on every scandal," he said of CNBC. Murdoch's New York Post, for example, today displayed News Corp.'s vaunted corporate restraint in the face of scandal. "Anna Nicole Mystery: Was It Murder?" asks its front page, soberly. — Lori Fradkin News Corp. Plans Fox Business Channel This Fall [AP via USAT]

‘Times’ Couplets: Poetic Truths in the Paper of Record

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Wherein we arrange Times headlines in rhyme for your poetical amusement. Today's message: Things just aren't working out. The Rules Are Different, but a Rivalry Remains To Execute, or Not to Execute? That Is the Uneasy Question. Approach Boss With Caution: New Low on 'Idol'?" All Together: Let's Go, Jack. Let's Go, Jill. A Talking Head Meets His Comic Doppelgänger, and Sparks Fail to Fly. Innovator and Master, Side by Side, Royal Ruffled by Aide and Partner; Nowhere to Turn for ShelterVery Strange and Very NakedApology Not Accepted.

First Things First

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• Not everything changed on Day One, but — with five executive orders signed before 9 a.m. yesterday — newly minted Governor Eliot Spitzer came as close to making good on the slogan as any politician in recent memory. The big ones concern state workers: restrictions on lobbying and, famously, a near-total ban on gifts. Oh, sure — after Christmas. [NYT] • The city took all of twelve hours to put the year's first murder on the books: Brooklyn's Jonathon Ridley, 26, received a fatal bullet in the back. He was merely the unluckiest of the ten people shot citywide during New Year's celebrations. [NYDN] • A belated note to the writer of the Post headline "Leona Lackeys Caught 'Inn' Drug Sting": You can't really pun on prepositions. Also, duh. [NYP] • Coney Island's indefatigable Polar Bear Club made news for the wrong reason after a swimmer knocked his head and almost drowned during the annual fund-raising mass dip. The water, for the record, was 48 degrees, falling well short of polar and more into a cold-shower category. [NYDN] • And fainting maidens are to blame for subway delays, says the MTA; in fact, overzealous dieters who skip breakfast and proceed to get sick on the train have emerged as — are you ready for this? — the No. 3 cause of late trains. So, by extension, it's patriarchy's fault. [amNY]

‘Times’ Couplets: Poetic Truths in the Paper of Record

Wherein we arrange headlines from the Times in rhyme to bring you secret communiqués from the center of the universe. Today's message: Remember the greediest. Pfizer's Ex-Chief to Get Full Retirement Package BlackBerry Maker's Profit Beats Forecast $14.8 Million Bonus at Bear Stearns; A Boom Year for Mergers and a Furious Pace for Law Firms Fidelity Makes Restitution in Gifts Case: Generosity on Display — An Artful Give and Take Surviving These Blessings Is, Hey, Another Blessing Comfortable Shoes Recommended

And They Shall Call It ‘iTimes’

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The Times is looking at creating a new, youth-oriented tabloid edition of the paper, according to a report in today's Observer. Everyone knows print media is the place to be nowadays, so this move makes perfect sense. But what would Times articles look like when tweaked for a young, hip, ADD audience? We've taken the liberty of rewriting today's Page One heads to make them, as the kids say, "something we would, you know, read." No worries, Bill. You're welcome. Bush Concedes Iraq War More Difficult Than He Expected Okay. You Know When You Try to Crack iTunes? Fear and Hope in Immigrant's Furtive Existence No iPod, No Green Card: Here's the Deal Public Universities Chase Excellence, at a Price State School: Not Cheap In This Town, Even a Mall Rat Can Get Rattled One Town, Many Abercrombies Fanfare for Ham, a Country Cousin Mmmm. Ham. Times Dreams Little Free Tabloid Project, Aims for Elusive Young [NYO]

The New York ‘Post’ Will Never Cut and Run (We Hope)

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We have nothing to add to today's Post wood. We just wanted to make sure you saw it. And we wanted to make sure you realize how much poorer life in our fair city would be without the delightfully gleeful nut jobs at the Post. Thank you, Rupert, for this philanthropic contribution to city life, and may you never — even in the face of continuing multi-million-dollar losses at the paper — become a surrender monkey. Iraq 'Appease' Squeeze on W. [NYP]