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They Waterboarded Christopher Hitchens

Finally, right? Plus, David Brooks thinks Goldman Sachs may be on the cusp of a coup, and the "summer of legal vindication" kicks off in our hump-day roundup of media, finance, law, and real-estate news.

‘Martha Wanted to Wash and Blow-dry the Chickens’

Martha disrupts plans to make her seem like less of a perfectionist, Bear Stearns CEO Jimmy Cayne may face arrest (he'd better hide his stash!), and the FBI is slapping anyone who's ever said the word "mortgage" with criminal charges, in our daily roundup of media, finance, real-estate and law news.

Print Organizations Band Together, But Who Will Remain on the Island?

MEDIA • Print organizations make like Survivor: The New York Times, Hearst, Tribune, and Gannet form an alliance to back a new online company called quadrantONE. [USAT] • Star magazine makes no apologies for paying sources for scoops. In fact, "right underneath [Candace] Trunzo's editor's note in the current issue is an unbridled pitch with dollar signs around the edges." [NYP] • Bad blood is brewing between Barron's and CNBC after the publication ran a critical story about Mad Money's Jim Cramer. [CJR]

S.J.P. and M.B. Have a Spat on the C/E

Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Brokerick
Matthew Broderick and Sarah Jessica Parker got into a fight on the platform of the downtown C/E train at 23rd Street. Alpha Media head Kent Brownridge married Hearst publicity head Alexandra Carlin at the Gordon Ramsay restaurant. Artie Lange tried unsuccessfully to get four Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders to disrobe on the Howard Stern show. A lot of foodies showed up at the preview of Alain Ducasse's wine-themed restaurant, Adour, in the St. Regis. Bruce Springsteen waited a half hour for a lunch table at the Turning Point in Long Branch. Cindy Adams says Heath Ledger once tried to avoid her by saying, "You people from the press are not nice to me," but that he smiled while saying it. Liz Smith approves of the fact that Jenna Bush is getting married in Crawford, Texas, and not the White House.

Is the Hearst Tower Really That Ugly? Actually, Yes.

Hearst tower
Robert Campbell of the Architectural Record is befuddled by the ugliness of the Hearst Tower. "It’s as if the Pentagon, with its usual deftness of touch, had confused its maps and located this chunk of military hardware in Manhattan instead of Florida," he muses, adding that it that looks less like a building human beings go in and out of than an unfriendly "cage for a single massive object" or "the carton the real tower came in." Certainly, he says, the Hearst is no "gherkin" — referring to the affectionate nickname Brits have given their Tower of London Norman Foster's 30 St Mary Axe. "I haven’t yet heard an affectionate nickname for the Hearst," he writes. Well, we can change that! Below, a few suggestions for renaming the Hearst building. 1. The Worst Tower 2. The Crinkle-Cut French Fry 3. 57th Street's Flamboyant Hat 4. Marge Simpson's Hairnet 5. The Jerks' Tower 6. Basket of Jerks Oh, just kidding about those last two. Shout-outs to our peeps at Hearst! Why Foster’s Hearst Tower is no gherkin [Architectural Record] Related: New York's Ugliest Buildings

Sneaking Into Steve Brill's House, and Doing Shots With the ‘Daily News’

Believe it or not, companies are still having holiday parties, even though you're like, so totally over the festive season. Luckily, you have us to attend them for you, so you don't even have to get up off your bedroom floor, where you've been sitting and weeping for the last three days trying to wrap presents and figure out what to re-gift from last year. Last night saw some big parties: The Hearst gala occupied the bottom floors of their massive Eighth Avenue Tower, and Elle and Elle Décor took over both floors of Socialista. We skipped those and opted for a nice blend of holiday high and low. After the jump, read our reviews of the down and dirty Daily News party at Columbus 72, and the cozy and cultured Clear party at Steve Brill's Upper East Side apartment.

Hearst President Cathie Black Wears 7 for All Mankind Jeans

Cathie Black
Name: Cathie Black
Age: 63
Job: President of Hearst Magazines, author of Basic Black: The Essential Guide for Getting Ahead at Work (and in Life), out today! Who's your favorite New Yorker, living or dead, real or fictional? Brooke Astor. What's the best meal you've eaten in New York? Osso buco at Babbo, and lobster at the Palm. In one sentence, what do you actually do all day in your job? Run interference, badger, cajole, laugh, have fun, set a higher bar, push for profit, encourage creativity, ask for forgiveness, make my own rules, thank everyone.

Paul Sorvino Is Full of Crap

A waste-hauling company dumped 60 cubic yards of horse manure onto Paul Sorvino's Pennsylvania driveway after he and his daughter disputed a bill. The feud between Sarah Jessica Parker and Kim Cattrall ended after Cattrall sent Parker flowers. Suge Knight bit Kevin Connolly's finger during a playful wrestling match after the ESPYs. Steve Martin is marrying Vogue writer Anne Stringfield. An upcoming documentary will allegedly "out" twenty gay Broadway actors and dancers who are trying to cure their homosexuality by attending underground support groups. A resident of Katonah has recorded an anti–Martha Stewart tune on YouTube in response to her effort to trademark the town's name for a line of furniture. CSI star Gary Dourdan assaulted a photographer, broke his camera, and then sped off on a motorcycle outside a West Hollywood club. Spencer Tunick — a.k.a. that guy who takes photos of large crowds of naked people — is planning a shoot in the Swiss Alps to raise awareness for global warming. David Duchovny likes Barry Manilow.

Donald and Rosie, Still Fighting

Donald Trump tried to reignite his feud with Rose O'Donnell by sending Barbara Walters a giant framed bustier that O'Donnell wore in Exit to Eden. Usher's fiancée may be pregnant, and it may not be Usher's child. Atlantic Records co-founder Ahmet Ertegun had quite the send-off Tuesday at Jazz at Lincoln Center. A man is claiming to be Larry Birkhead's former gay lover. Seagrams heir Matthew Bronfman unveils his Ikon condo complex in Williamsburg tonight. The father of deceased singer and socialite Kitty Carlisle Hart knew Abraham Lincoln. Nick Lachey is still sensitive about his divorce from Jessica Simpson. A lot of American films will screen at this year's Cannes Film Festival. Ryan Gosling won't say whether his relationship with Rachel McAdams is over. Snoop Dogg's love of video games and weed caused a chain reaction of snafus at the Pussycat Dolls' UNICEF benefit at Cipriani Wall Street.

Olbermann Is Everywhere

MEDIAKeith Olbermann will take a break from slamming the Bush administration to co-host NBC's Football Night in America on Sundays this fall. [Hollywood Reporter] • Tired of losing to Condé Nast at the National Magazine Awards, Hearst will honor its own at the Tower Awards tonight. [WWD] • Newspaper coverage of the Virginia Tech shootings looked downright bloglike. [E&P]

The Berry Gordy Character in ‘Dreamgirls’ Is Not Berry Gordy

DreamWorks and Paramount took out a full-page ad in Variety and The Hollywood Reporter to say that Jamie Foxx's character in Dreamgirls isn't based on Motown founder Berry Gordy Jr. Lindsay Lohan skipped out on "father figure" Robert Altman's memorial service. Jeffrey Chodorow thinks Frank Bruni's smackdown of his Kobe Club is personal, and he took out a full-page ad in the Times to say so. Rapper Common bad-mouthed the Duke lacrosse team; now he's performing at the university. Vogue's André Leon Tally went on a shopping spree with Jennifer Hudson.

Hearst & Teen Girls: BFFs 4-Ever!!!

No way Hearst is going to let its online teen braid be yanked by the likes of Condé Nast's forthcoming flip.com or Atoosa's as-yet-unrealized MySpace empire. The mag-publishing owner of CosmoGirl.com, Seventeen.com, and TeenMag.com — all being revamped for February — has done the corporate equivalent of making sure no other beeyotch gets the same prom dress by purchasing ecrush.com, a social-networking site that lets users find out if he likes them, do a chaperoned flirt, and vote on pressing issues like "best hair." Says Chuck Cordray, Hearst's digital VP, "as social networking and interactivity online become an integral part of teenagers' lives, we want to be everywhere they turn." Which, if we read that right, makes him the world's first corporate-backed stalker. To Bolster Teen Reach Online, Hearst Buys eCrush.com [Ad Age] Earlier: Condé Nast Attempts to Figure Out Girls Who Read

Ann Shoket Named ‘Seventeen’ Editor, Despite Midwifing Mediabistro

The Hearst Corporation — whose cafeteria, we'll point out now that we've finally been to it, can kick the ass of Condé Nast's Frank Gehry bauble any day of the week — today announced a new editor-in-chief for Seventeen, the teen title Atoosa Rubenstein abandoned in November for this newfangled Internet. (Indeed, Atoosa's new venture was announced with a MySpace page, and she now has a whopping 42,487 MySpace friends; Seventeen has only 33,304.) The new Seventeen editor is Ann Shoket, who has been executive editor of Hearst's CosmoGirl! Before that, Shoket was editorial director of CosmoGirl!'s Website, which was no doubt seen as a big plus by Hearst execs. But, then, people might want to think more carefully about the value of Internet experience: As we learned in August 2005, Shoket also "has the distinction of having come up with the idea for the original mediabistro.com web site way back in 1997." What, Cathie Black must now be wondering, hath Shoket wrought?

Eggnog and Latkes With Hearst, ‘Vogue,’ and the Sunshine Flacks

Silver bells, silver bells. That's right, kids: It's Christmas time in the city. And what does that mean? Company holiday parties. Lots of 'em, booze-filled, cheesily themed, and often resulting in embarrassed avoidance at the office for a few weeks. This is the week holiday-party season kicks into high gear, and we're introducing our Office-Party Patrol, in which dedicated partygoer Julia Allison will crash company Christmas parties on your behalf (or just ask question from outside, when security is too tight) and let you know what you're missing. In today's premier installment, we take you to the Hearst party, the Vogue party, and the Ken Sunshine PR party — and we rank each one for food, drink, venue, debauchery, and exclusivity. Which was most exclusive? Vogue, of course. Drunkest? Read on to find out.

Platt Reviews Hearst Cafeteria; Mag-Food Aficionados Rejoice

There's a not insignificant population of this city that actually stops to consider the relative merits of magazine-company cafeterias. (We know, for example, that we need to try Hearst and the new second-string Condé at 750 Third, and that we really ought to recheck Time & Life, which we were always fond of but haven't been to in years. Oh, and that some of the best shrimp cocktail you'll ever eat comes at Newsweek-catered events.) These wacky folks (ahem) can tell you what's good at one place and bad at another, who's got the best prices, and — in the most extreme cases — on which days you'll get which specials. So why shouldn't there be professional critics reviewing these places, too? Finally, there are! On Grub Street, Adam Platt gives his evaluation of the new Hearst cafeteria, located in the Norman Foster–designed Hearst Tower, catered by Restaurant Associates, and boasting sushi every day. Is it enough to lure him away from 444 Madison and our little, beloved In-House Nosh Café? Click over to Grub Street to find out. The Gobbler Visits the New Hearst Cafeteria, Finds Chiseled Cheekbones [Grub Street]