We admit it: We harbor a secret crush on Chuck Klosterman. He has a nerdy hotness about him not unlike what Natalie Portman must have seen in Moby. We even almost joined the Facebook group "If Chuck Klosterman spit in my face, I'd stop taking showers," but then we promised our career counselor we wouldn't. Er, anyway, last night we went to the Highline Ballroom for a reading of his upcoming novel, Downtown Owl (even though we found it a little hard to follow). Over the course of the next half hour, we learned a few things about our little demigod:
• Chuck used to have a few nicknames back in the day: Curtains (after a pair of unfortunate sweatpants his mom made him), Facehead (also interchangeable with Headface), and Joaquin Andujar.
• Chuck does not think that rock and roll is dead. In fact, he thinks "it is pretty good right now."
• No one ever has sex in Chuck's books because he identifies more with people being rejected.
• Chuck is going to be teaching in Germany for fourteen weeks and what he will miss most is his girlfriend.
We raised our hand to ask a question. So, how do nerdy guys get chicks? "Well," Chuck said, "it's like this. You used to be able to tell the difference between hipsters and homeless people. Now, it's between hipsters and retards. I mean, either that guy in the corner in orange safety pants holding a protest sign and wearing a top hat is mentally disabled or he is the coolest fucking guy you will ever know." And in that moment, nerdy Chuck Klosterman got just a little bit hotter. —Lauren Salazar
So you're sitting in your room in your apartment in Williamsburg, working on your collage series, Sad Girls With Chicken Arms, and listening to Matt and Kim on your iPod, and that "Yea Yeah" song comes on and you turn it up because you just love that song — it's so repetitive. But of course, right away your annoying roommate starts pounding on your door. "Can you turn that down?" he says. "I'm updating my Facebook profile and I really need to concentrate." You ignore him. God, you hate your roommate. He always leaves his tube socks everywhere, he uses your hair product, and he totally ate the last piece of soy cheese and didn't replace it you just hate him. You hate him so much you want to stab him! Stab him with the self-same Xacto knife you were just using to make your beautiful collage before he interrupted you, causing you to slice into the collarbone of a girl in a picture you printed off Cobrasnake! You can fuck with me, dude, but not with my art! Arwrrrrwgggghh!
Goddamm it! When you get back from jail, your Treo, IBM ThinkPad laptop, and your Compaq laptop are missing. God, you hate your roommate
With Roomies Like These, Who Needs Enemies [Brooklyn Paper]