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Don't Let Glenn Close Near the Rabbits

Wildlife Conservation Safari. Central Park Zoo, 830 Fifth Ave., nr. 64th St., 6:30 p.m. Expected guests include Glenn Close, Isabella Rossellini, Karenna Schiff, Muffy Potter Aston, Lydia Hearst, and Harrison LeFrak. Call us dubious of anyone who suggests Harrison LeFrak is not the sidekick of Stephen Colbert alter ego Tek Janssen. • D.R.E.A.M.S. in the City benefit. West Side Loft, 347 W. 39th St., nr. Ninth Ave., 7 p.m. Emeril Lagasse, Aida Turturro, Richard Kind, and others expected. It will be the spiciest, most Cajun fund-raiser Richard Kind has ever experienced. Or check out our Agenda listings for tonight, selected by New York's culture editors.

Time for a ‘Top Chef’ Knockoff!

The Next Food Network Star “sneak peek”. Union Square Ballroom, 27 Union Sq. W., nr. 16th St., 7 p.m. Already-famous chefs Bobby Flay and Giada De Laurentiis will be on hand to witness the Food Network’s entry in the upscale-reality market. If you’d like to experience the exact opposite of this event, located a few hundred yards away on 14th Street is a single restaurant that serves food from Taco Bell, KFC, and Krispy Kreme.


Entertainment Weekly upfronts party. The Box, 189 Chrystie St., nr. Stanton St., 9 p.m. Expected guests include Balthazar Getty, Kelsey Grammer, Judy Greer, Tim Gunn, and others whose last names don’t start with a “G.”

The Princess and the Ogre

American Ballet Theatre Spring Gala. Metropolitan Opera, Lincoln Center, 6:30 p.m. Scheduled to attend: Caroline Kennedy, Carolina Herrera, Sarah Ferguson (the Duchess of York), Muffie Potter Aston, and others. When she was divorced, Sarah Ferguson lost the title “Baroness Killyleagh.” Who will step forward to lead the people of Killyleagh? • Shrek the Third screening. Chelsea West Cinemas, 333 W. 23rd St., at Eighth Ave., 6 p.m. Expected guests include Mike Myers, Amy Poehler, Amy Sedaris, John Krasinski, Jeffrey Katzenberg, and James Gandolfini. But certainly not Muffie Potter Aston. If she shows up at the door, she’ll be turned away. She knows what she did. Or check out our Agenda listings for tonight, selected by New York's culture editors.

Playtime With Dave And Debbie

Creative Time Birthday Celebration. Bowery Hotel, 125 Bowery, at 3rd St., 7 p.m. David Byrne and Debbie Harry host. Creative Time is a nonprofit organization that helps fund contemporary and performance-art projects. And their name sounds like the part of the day where preschoolers make arts and crafts. It’s like they want grouchy Middle Americans to make curmudgeonly comments about the skill level of modern artists.

Little West 12th Fight!

H&M High Line Festival-slash-First Anniversary of Buddha Bar party. Buddha Bar, 25 Little West 12th St., nr. Washington St., 9:30 p.m. Expected guests: Ricky Gervais, David Bowie and Iman, the Arcade Fire, Lou Reed, Susan Sarandon, Bette Midler, John Cameron Mitchell, Christopher Meloni, and others. And God willing those guests will have a face-off on Little West 12th Street against the attendees at the …

Painful Small Talk at the ‘Time’ 100?

Time 100 gala. Frederick P. Rose Hall, 33 W. 60th St., nr. Broadway, 7 p.m. Expected guests include Elie Wiesel, Henry Kissinger, LeBron James, Ann Coulter, Kanye West, Martha Stewart, and many others. It seems that if luxury vacation spots like St. Barts didn’t exist, they’d have to be created simply for the purpose of giving people like LeBron James and Henry Kissinger things to talk about at gatherings of the rich, famous, and otherwise utterly dissimilar.

In Heaven, Leo Lerman Gets With Yul Brynner All the Time

Book party for The Grand Surprise: The Journals of Leo Lerman. The Osborne, 205 W. 57th St., nr. Seventh Ave., 6 p.m. Lerman was an urban sophisticate and onetime editor of Vanity Fair, whose journals reveal that he once passed up the opportunity to sleep with Yul Brynner; somehow this egregious mistake will not keep such notables as Steve Martin, Richard Meier, Sonny Mehta, S.I. Newhouse, and Gloria Vanderbilt from attending the party.

Lower Manhattan Gets Cultured … and Weird?

The Downtown Dinner. 7 World Trade Center, nr. Vesey St., 6 p.m. This benefit for the Lower Manhattan Cultural Council is expecting guests including Eliot Spitzer, Larry Silverstein, Michel Gondry, and Björk. You hope that quartet spends some quality time together over some adult beverages. "And that's how the Freedom Tower site came instead to be occupied by a 700-foot-tall dancing mechanical whale."

MMM Blitzkrieg Bop

Screening of Scott Walker: 30th Century Man. The Knitting Factory, 74 Leonard St., nr. Church St., 8:15 p.m. The documentary about English crooner Walker draws a guest list including Parker Posey, Paul Rudd, John Cameron Mitchell, Sufjan Stevens, and Dean Wareham. And Taylor Hanson (of … Hanson), who one envisions standing nervously at the outer edges of a hipster cluster, pretending to get a joke about Mutual Appreciation.

Sibling Rivalry, and All That Jazz

Tribute to Wynton Marsalis. Angel Orensanz Foundation Center for the Arts, 172 Norfolk St., nr. Stanton St., 6:30 p.m. On the list: Leo DiCaprio, Chelsea Clinton, Ludacris, Parker Posey, others. In a week or so, Marsalis will be getting an honorary degree from NYU. That's a lot of ego tripping in a short period, so if you see him on the street, balance things out by shouting something derogatory. Brother Branford Marsalis suggests: "You deserve an honorary degree from the School of JERKS!!!"

Astoria: Only Minutes From Hollywood

Spider-Man 3 premiere. United Artists Kaufman Astoria Stadium 14, 35-30 38th St., Astoria, 6 p.m. In attendance: spider-franchise stalwarts Tobey Maguire, Kirsten Dunst, James Franco, J.K. Simmons, and Rosemary Harris, as well as newcomers including Thomas Haden Church, Topher Grace, and Bryce Dallas Howard. This will mark the first and last time any of these people go to Queens for a social event. • Parsons Benefit & Fashion Show. Grand Hyatt at Grand Central, 109 E. 42nd St., nr. Lexington Ave., 6 p.m. The guest list includes Bill Clinton, Bob Kerrey, Oscar de la Renta, Diane von Furstenberg, and Tim Gunn. If we went to a gala at the Grand Hyatt, a free-booze-fueled run to the nearby McDonald's on Lex would be a distinct possibility; since we weren't invited, we'll have to make do with just the McDonald's.

It's Not a Lou Reed Event Without Andy Rooney

Unnamed event honoring Lou Reed. W Union Square, 201 Park Ave. S., nr. 17th St., 7 p.m. That's not some postmodern title; this event does not seem to have a name. Bono, David Bowie, Steve Kroft, and others are scheduled to attend. You know what they say — not a lot of people bought Velvet Underground records, but everyone who did started a band and/or television newsmagazine.

Who Moved My Goat Cheese?

Spirit of Jimmy V gala. Pier 60, West Side Hwy. nr. 23rd St., 6 p.m. Lance Armstrong will be honored (Jimmy V = Jim Valvano, college basketball coach who died of cancer in 1993); expected guests include Christie Brinkley, Nike co-founder Phil Knight, and — if the menu on Pier 60's Website is accurate — waiters bearing trays of Souffléd Goat Cheese Tarts, Wild Mushroom and Goat Cheese Truffles, and other hors d'oeuvre. So that's where all the goat cheese went!

Baby, Remember Their Names

youngARTS Variety Show. Ziegfeld Theater, 141 W. 54th St., nr. Sixth Ave., 6:30 p.m. Mikhail Baryshnikov, Martin Scorsese, Julian Schnabel, Edward Albee, Jane Fonda, and Thelma Schoonmaker are scheduled to be on hand to watch high-school seniors perform and give them scholarships. It's like Fame, but with money.

The Edge Hogs Bono's Rightful Spotlight

Can-Do Awards dinner. Pier 60, West Side Hwy. nr. 23rd St., 6 p.m. The folks at the Food Bank of New York have hit the big time with this fund-raiser, which will be hosted by Bill Clinton in honor of the Edge and Jimmy Fallon, with expected guests Michael Stipe, Julianne Moore, Josh Harnett, Mario Batali, Stanley Tucci, Christy Turlington, Patti Smith, Steve Bing, Mike D, and more. Including, per the press release, "other members of U2." Since Bono, Adam Clayton, and Larry Mullen are all probably notable enough to mention by name in a list that includes Steve Bing, this can only mean that a first-come, first-served door policy applies to non-Edge members of U2 tonight.

Damien Fahey Is No Anderson Cooper

Condé Nast Traveler's Hot List party. Bowery Hotel, 335 Bowery, nr. 3rd St., 7 p.m. D.J. Grandmaster Flash will supply the soundtrack to the event, allegedly featuring Julianne Moore, Terrence Howard, Cynthia Nixon, and Damien Fahey. Fahey has been trying to rise above his MTV-V.J. glass ceiling by filling in for a post-op Regis and co-hosting the Miss Teen USA pageant last year. Progress.

Larry King Won't Take Your Calls Tonight

"50 Years in Broadcasting" party. Four Seasons Restaurant, 99 E. 52nd St., nr. Park Ave., 6:30 p.m. The guest of honor is Mr. Larry King, who has been around so long that the first person to make a joke about his age also invented agriculture. Har … har … har! Expected guests include Christiane Amanpour, Anderson Cooper, Lou Dobbs, and King Nebuchadnezzar II of Babylonia.

How Quiet Was He?

He Was a Quiet Man premiere. Clearview Chelsea West, 333 W. 23rd St., nr. Eighth Ave., 7:30 p.m.; after-party at Gallery, 609 W. 29th St. nr. Eleventh Ave. Stars Christian Slater and Elisha Cuthbert will join screenwriter-director Frank Capello to celebrate the film, which also features William H. Macy (who sadly won't be there). The cast is expected to be joined by more famous celebrities like director Paul Haggis, Shamika Cotton (Michael's mother in The Wire) and Miss Teen USA New York, Natascha Bessez.

Good Thing Bill Maher Doesn't Need Sponsors

"Stand Up for the Arts" dinner. Metropolitan Pavilion, 125 W. 18th St., nr. Sixth Ave., 7 p.m. cocktails, 8 p.m. dinner. Bill Maher hosts expected guests Wyclef Jean, Joel Klein, and grown-up socialites Linda LeRoy Janklow and Richard Plepler, among others. Bill Maher will likely spew some Don Imus zingers that will make the gathered blue bloods cough reprovingly.