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If Only All Programming Schedules Could Be So Fêted

The Green launch. Regal Union Square Stadium 14, 850 Broadway, nr. 13th St., 6 p.m.; after-party at ABC Carpet & Home, 888 Broadway, nr. 19th St. The Green is the Sundance Channel’s name for a new environmental programming slot on Tuesdays at 9 p.m. An epic array of celebs is expected: Robert Redford, Rufus Wainwright, Avril Lavigne, Isabella Rossellini, Christy Turlington, Jay McInerney, Jeff Zucker, Amy Sacco, Shalom Harlow, and more. Truly, furniture stores are the Studio 54 of our day.

Mind the Swag Basket

Poetry and the Creative Mind celebrity poetry reading. Alice Tully Hall, Lincoln Center, 6:30 p.m. Celeb readers include Lauren Bacall, Glenn Close, Ethan Hawke, and David Halberstam. If this is anything like the Sopranos — as we can only hope — Lauren Bacall will get punched and drop an F-bomb.

Last Night's Top Party: Felons and Bisexuals at the Four Seasons

There were two big, boldfaced parties last night, and they were wildly divergent. In Chelsea, Milk Studios hosted an auction of rock photos to benefit VH1's Save the Music Foundation while in midtown disgraced ex-Sotheby's head Alfred Taubman threw a book party at the Four Seasons. The VH1 shindig featured the Kaiser Chiefs, Stoli Blueberi–and–Sprite cocktails (not bad!), and handsomely greasy-haired young people occasionally silently bidding on, though mostly just getting their pictures taken in front of, photographs of CBGB and Kurt Cobain. At Taubman's, there was wine; cheese puffs; a crowd so collectively aged it made Bill Cunningham, the septuagenarian society photog from the Times, look spry; and the chance to consort with a convicted felon who also happens to be a billionaire. So which one won? It was unclear for a while. But then a victor suddenly emerged. "Given the chance," we heard someone say at the Four Seasons, "I'm going to leave this party a bisexual." Point, Taubman. —Jada Yuan

They've Come So Far Since Benny Hill

Hot Fuzz premiere. Walter Reade Theatre, 140 W. 65th St., nr. Broadway, 7:15 p.m. Hot Fuzz is brought to you by the folks who made the Will Arnett–narrated Don't portion of Grindhouse's fake-trailer interlude, and thus we endorse Hot Fuzz despite not knowing anything about it. The always-entertaining Kevin Smith will be on hand to interview director Edgar Wright and star Simon Pegg, who co-wrote the film.

Throw Your Gloves in the Air Like You Just Don't Care

Tribute to Diane Keaton. Avery Fisher Hall, Lincoln Center, 7 p.m. Super-star-studded! Guests include Woody Allen, Steve Martin, Meryl Streep, Bette Midler, and more. Apparently, the secret to becoming successful in the late sixties and early seventies was to have five letters in your first name and six in your last.

Models! Strippers! Yankees! Score(s)!

Eve Salvail's birthday party. The Plumm, 246 W. 14th St., nr. Seventh Ave., 10 p.m. Model Eve Salvail will be fêted tonight by Damon Dash, Patrick McMullan, and the ladies of Scores West, among others. Those "others," per the invite, possibly include members of the Yankees. Oh, and it's a karaoke party. And where there are Yankees, Scores girls, and karaoke, there's also us trying to sneak in. We'll let you know tomorrow how it works out.

If Only Bond Girls Crashed Book Parties

Black & White book party. L&M Arts, 45 E. 78th St., nr. Madison Ave., 6 p.m. Expected guests include Amy Sedaris, Gina Gershon, Frank McCourt, A.M. Homes, Philip Gourevitch, and the author, Dani Shapiro. Also on the guest list is Honor Moore, who is a poet and not the female lead in a bizarro Bond movie promoting chastity and temperance.

We'll Take ‘The Rapists’ for $200

Dressed to Kilt. Capitale, 130 Broadway, nr. Grand St., 7 p.m. Sponsored by Johnnie Walker, "Dressed to Kilt" is "a Scottish evening of fashion and fun." The fashion will be provided by Victoria's Secret, and the fun by your host, Sir Sean Connery! And his co-host–wife, Sir Lady Sean Connery. Or maybe that's supposed to just be Lady Sean Connery? We find the language of nobility confusing. Or check out our Agenda listings for tonight, selected by New York's culture editors.

Think Magically … at Home!

The Year of Magical Thinking opening. Vanessa Redgrave stars in Joan Didion's memoir adaptation, directed by David Hare. Booth Theatre, 222 W. 45th St., nr. Broadway, 7 p.m. Check out the cover of the Playbill for this show. Wow. If you can't get tickets, it seems like you could re-create the emotional experience by sitting in your apartment for three hours with the lights off thinking about genocide.

Women's Mags Delve Into History

Tudors premiere. Hearst Tower, 300 W. 57th St., nr. Eighth Ave., 5:30 p.m. We can't think of a good reason Marie Claire is co-hosting this event with Tudors network Showtime. The magazine does have an article about Prince William's girlfriend, Kate Middleton, which perhaps explains a sudden onrush of Anglophilia. Or maybe it's just because Jonathan Rhys Meyers will be a hot Henry VIII.

Just Air the Damn Show Already!

Sopranos Premiere. Radio City Music Hall 1260 Sixth Ave., nr. 50th St., 5 p.m. Expect the whole cannoli: James Gandolfini, Edie Falco, Robert Iler, Jamie-Lynn Sigler, Dominic Chianese, et al. We will never stop sulking about how the cast of the Sopranos has now seen this new episode at least twice and we will have to wait till Easter Sunday to find out if our in-house prognosticators are redeemed. Or check out our Agenda listings for tonight, selected by New York's culture editors.

Not-So-Secret Meeting of the Gay Media Cabal

GLAAD awards. Marriot Marquis, 1535 Broadway, nr. 45th St., 8:30 p.m. Actually, the night starts with cocktails at 5:30 and dinner at 7:30, which means some of the guests — including Julianne Moore, Rosie O'Donnell, Whoopi Goldberg, Cynthia Nixon, and, oddly, Hilary Duff — should be pretty sauced by the time Tom Ford and Patti LaBelle are honored. Incidentally, Whoopi Goldberg is one of twelve people to have won an Oscar, an Emmy, a Grammy, and a Tony. Try and name the others — it's like the gay equivalent of knowing all the players who've rushed for 2,000 yards in a season.

It's Curtains for This Joke

Curtains opening night. Hirschfeld Theatre, 302 W. 45th St., nr. Eighth Ave., 7 p.m. David Hyde Pierce stars; Liza Minnelli, Jeff Daniels, Alec Baldwin, Kelly Ripa, Mary Louise Parker, and others are expected to attend. Curtains is a play within a play and a whodunit. Its main character is a dinosaur trapped in the body of a Russian spy. (Note: Party Town accuracy guarantee only applies to 50 percent of musical plot synopses.) Or check out our Agenda listings for tonight, selected by New York's culture editors.

All Hail Hargitay!

Gotham magazine party for Mariska Hargitay. Four Seasons Restaurant, 99 E. 52nd St., nr. Park Ave., 7 p.m. Ms. Hargitay, the patron saint of Party Town, is Gotham's cover girl this month. The accompanying article mentions Mariska's beauty, intelligence, good spirits, and love for her husband and child — shamefully failing to note her fetching singing voice and kindness to disabled puppies.

If You're at ‘The Sopranos’ Preview, Don't Tell Us Anything

Screening of The Sopranos. MoMA, 11 W. 53rd St., nr. Sixth Ave., 6:30 p.m. David Chase hosts this sneak preview of the first two episodes of the final mini-season. Bon Jovi, Glenn Close, Tom Freston, Morley Safer, Gay Talese, and others are expected to arrive at the day’s second-most-awaited returning cultural phenomenon. The most-awaited, of course: Shake Shack.

We Expected a Better Theme

Roundabout Theatre Company spring gala. Roseland Ballroom, 239 W. 52nd St., nr. Broadway, 7 p.m. Expected guests include Brooke Shields, Michael Cerveris, Audra McDonald, Nellie McKay, and noted troupe-hater Jane Krakowski. The theme of the gala is "Beyond the Velvet Rope." Really? Didn't the Scarsdale High prom committee call that one already? You're a theater theatre company in New York City — your theme parties should involve transsexual prostitutes swimming naked in a 5,000-gallon tank.

Lauren Bush No Help at All

Domino green issue release party. Industria Superstudio, 775 Washington St., nr. W. 12th St. Organic food and cocktails will be served; expected guests include Edward Norton, Shalom Harlow, and Lauren Bush. Just the environmentalists’ luck — the one Bush on the side of the green movement is not the leader of the free world.

First a Beloved Motion Picture, Now a Dance Play!

Edward Scissorhands New York premiere. BAM, 30 Lafayette Ave., nr. Ashland Pl., Fort Greene, Brooklyn, 6 p.m. After-party at 7 World Trade Center, nr. Vesey St. Expected guests include Sam Mendes, Kate Winslet, Matthew Barney, Darren Aronofsky, Alan Cumming, and others. And while waiting in traffic to get back to Manhattan for the after-party, the cognoscenti shall know the pain of every nightlife-loving Carroll Gardens or Park Slope resident whose friends refuse to leave Manhattan. Sometimes the F train's faster, guys!

Marc Ecko Goes Out of Order

"Behind the Business" with Marc Ecko. Marc Ecko Enterprises, 40 W. 23rd St., nr. Fifth Ave., 6:30 p.m. The press release states there will be an "intimate conversation followed by cocktails." Seems like the conversation would be more intimate if that order were reversed, no?