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Chaos Among the Claymates

The legendarily defensive fans of the pop singer have no idea what to do with the information that their hero is officially gay.

By Chris Rovzar

Stevie Cohen Could End Up in a Pickle

No, not in the Damian Hirst sense, though that would be amazing: The art-loving SAC Capital Management CEO could have some problems with the SEC if he's not careful. Plus! An ex–Bear CEO jumps ship at JPMorgan, Natalie Portman's apartment goes on the block, and Condé Nast has a green issue, in our daily rundown of industry news.

JPMorgan Will Take On Half of Bear Stearns Staff

Or you could say JPMorgan will FIRE half of Bear Stearns staff. It's all how you look at it, really. Plus! The GM building may have a new owner, 'People' people get a hairy new deadline, and a lawyer's advice for tax dodgers in our daily roundup of industry news.

The Babies of Jennifer Lopez Are Upon Us!

Finally, People has released the first baby photos of J.Lo and Marc Anthony's infant children, Max and Emme. Aren't they cute? And don't they look just like … dad?

Mother, Baby Cover Blitz Continues With Luca Gadjus

Thanks to People magazine, celebrity mothers have been cashing in their newborns like whoa. Christina, Nicole, and La Lopez have basically left the delivery room and headed straight for the photo studio, earning a nice chunk of change doing so. Never one to be left out, high fashion’s caught onto the trend.

J.Lo Jennifer Lopez Wants Only the Best for Her Baby Photos

Max and Emme Lo
Jennifer Lopez, mother to the heaven-sent twins Max and Emme, got $6 million from People magazine in exchange for their first baby pictures, according to reports. But did you also know she demanded her husband, Marc Anthony, be the one to shoot them? That's what TMZ.com says. (We would have really preferred Anne Geddes, but you can't have everything.) They also hear that she insisted upon being called "Jennifer," as opposed to the commonly accepted "J.Lo," throughout the entire article. Oh, and also for the rest of time. A rep for People told the Website that their story was "absurd," but we do know that Lopez's reps prefer for her to be called "Jennifer," so this doesn’t seem like that much of a stretch. Also, "Jennifer" is no fool. If Marc is behind the cameras, he can't be in the photos! J.Lo to 'People': Don't Call Me Dat!! [TMZ.com]

And on the Third Day, the Lopez Twins Rose From the Womb

Jennifer Lopez

Finally. America's exhaustive wait is over. Jennifer Lopez, shortly after midnight, expelled her heaven-sent twins from her womb, bestowing their glory unto the world. According to the Associated Press, a 5-pound, 7-ounce girl popped out first, followed a few minutes later by a 6-pound brother. We know that you have a lot of questions: are they healthy? What are their names? Will People really pay $4-6 million for their first mug shots? Is her vagina totally broken now? Unfortunately, we won't know these answers for a few weeks, until People runs an airbrushed picture of Jennifer's glowing face inches away from the tots, with a coverline somehow involving the word "joy." All we know for sure are these two things: One, that those two babies, by virtue of being fraternal boy-and-girl twins, are going to be the awesomest Hollywood hellraisers ever. And two, J.Lo is going to drop that baby weight faster than you can say "Natalia Vodianova is on back on the catwalk." Even though she was totally a hot pregnant lady, her size was beginning to terrify us a little. Lopez Gives Birth To Twins in NY [AP]

Nation, Gird Your Loins! The Lopez-Anthony Twins Cometh!

Lo
Jennifer Lopez has checked into her private room at Long Island's North Shore University Hospital, presumably so that she can give birth to the babies that have been making her look majorly fat lately. This very important news comes to us courtesy of "Page Six," and since the Post went to press last night, this could mean that babies are bursting out of J.Lo's vagina right this very second. Not that we would know if they were, because the hospital is on lockdown. According to the esteemed New Zealand Herald, Lopez has "banned staff from entering the room where she is due to give birth." This is likely due to the fact that People magazine has reportedly offered $6.5 million for pictures of the twins, the most money a baby has fetched since the magazine paid $4 million for pics of Shiloh Jolie-Pitt in 2004. However, since there are two Lopez babies, it's really only $3.25 million per twin, and that's is kind of a slap in the face if you think about it. In any case,* the black-market number for purloined photos is said to be significantly higher. We hear Star is offering an undisclosed but gargantuan sum to anyone who can bring them a photo of the twins with the umbilical cord still attached, and Nick Denton, of Gawker, will pay $7 per second of streaming video to anyone who has the gumption to film the actual birth scene, complete with a sweaty, screaming J.Lo and a pallid and revolted Marc Anthony. Placenta, of course, will be auctioned on eBay starting at midnight the day of the birth. J.Lo Checks In [NYP] *From here to the end everything we say is lies