You know how you kind of wonder whether celebrities are all friends with one another? Like, do they all go to each other's houses in Los Angeles and play parlor games on Saturday nights? Has Natalie Portman, for example, ever had to do Benicio Del Toro during the charades portion of Celebrity — which required her to point at her friend Scarlett Johansson sitting on the couch and then do a pantomime of having sex in an elevator? Well, we've always imagined life in La La Land to be like that. You know, like everyone has sort of all slept together and given one another weird, unfunny nicknames. And sometimes there are moments in pop culture that confirm our suspicions. This weekend had one of them, and it wasn't the Oscars. No, the biggest clue that being famous is like being on the indoor-track team in high school was actually Jimmy Kimmel's brilliant musical debut, "I'm Fucking Ben Affleck." It was, of course, a follow-up to Sarah Silverman's "I'm Fucking Matt Damon," and although the musical caliber is a lot lower, the self-loving celebrity rate is off the charts. Click above to enjoy. It's like Ocean's Twelve, but watchable.
Eli Manning and Yogi Berra sang "New York, New York" together at Rao's. Male madam David Forest says Marc Jacobs used to employ his services. Mariah Carey shot a video on the rooftop of Lenny Kravitz's Crosby Street apartment. Mayor Bloomberg celebrated his 65th birthday with Steven Ratner and others at Michael's. R.E.M. front man Michel Stipe got into a go-cart accident two weeks ago but is fine now. Blackstone Group co-founder Pete Peterson sold his River House digs to financier Jeffrey Leeds for $10 million.
John Updike says he moved from New York to New England to get away from the "ego-eroding literary hustle" of the city. Glamour editor Cindi Leive had a rare blowup over racially insensitive comments fashion editor Ashley Baker made while speaking to a group of African-American lawyers. Sarah Silverman confessed to Howard Stern that she got extremely upset after being mistaken for Melissa Rivers. Jimmy Fallon and Rangers teammates Sean Avery and Brendan Shanahan ate at the Waverly Inn after their season opener. Martina Navratilova and Jeffrey Lyons may or may not have left Kenjo together on West 57th Street.
Some people allege that Kelly Klein, 50, is too old to have a baby via a surrogate mom, and must have gotten an egg from a donor. A crazy Italian lady made a lunge for Brad Pitt at the Venice Film Festival, and "Page Six" has the video! (Also, Pitt's two-hour-and-40-minute Assassination of Jesse James is too long.) Sarah Silverman goes blackface in the next season of her show. John Edwards and Russell Simmons did yoga together. Mariah Carey's ex-manager claims that she owes him money. David LaChappelle hates Madonna, Gwen Stefani, and Christina Aguilera, and won't work with them. Heather Graham sings and plays guitar in her upcoming movie.
Security guards from Stereo thwarted a mugging of Paris Hilton's brother, Barron Hilton. (And Barbara Walters will get Paris's first post-prison interview.) Biographies of Dina Lohan state that she was a Rockette and Broadway actress, but she is neither. Porn star Savanna Samson backs Giuliani for president. Anna Quindlen is auctioning off naming rights to a character in her upcoming novel. Former Cosby Show star Phylicia Rashad often does not show up to parties she's expected at. Bruce Willis was angry that Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore were dating until Will Smith gave him a talking-to. Bebe Neuwirth went to a chiropractor.
Rosie O'Donnell's chief writer at The View was busted for drawing mustaches on pictures of arch-nemesis Elisabeth Hasselback. Accused D.C. Madam Deborah Jeane Palfrey wants to publicize more names from her client list, but ABC News says there are no other even remotely noteworthy names on it. David Blaine wants to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge. (Please!) Mary-Kate Olsen and Matthew Modine are set to join the cast of Weeds. The maps have been removed from Jodi's Shortcuts, the semi-famous Hamptons traffic-avoidance routes. Callers trying to reach Sarah Silverman as part of an MTV Movie Awards promo have been accidentally dialing some company in Texas.
On November 7, Mario Batali will be "roasted, battered, and fried" at a celebrity roast at Capitale for charity (the Food Bank of New York). Will it be affectionate and reserved, with only a few broadsides about the chef's legendary appetite? Or will they really let him have it? It's hard to tell from the lineup, which mixes Batali buddies like Tony Bourdain and Stanley Tucci with celebrity roast specialists like Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, Sarah Silverman, and Artie Lange. But given some of the roastee's recent antics, he could be in for a rough time. The big man can take it, we hope. For tickets, call 212-249-6188.
Food Candy is as simple as a baked potato: It's the Foodie Friendster (or, as you cutting-edge types would probably prefer, MySpace). The strange thing about the site is how happy, normal, and attractive the people look. Can these really be the same hard-core geeks that we've eaten with? Or is this the food version of JDate, which for the longest time showed you pictures of one Sarah Silverman after another, only to deliver Golda Meirs? We appreciate how the site brings together established bloggers like Daisy Martinez with obscure but worthy writers we didn't know about, like the farm-loving Pease Porridge and the admirably focused Burrito Blog. (Restaurant Girl and Famous Fat Dave had already made fans of us.) We just hope this social phenomenon reflects the foodie community's increasing obsessiveness, not some attempt at reintegrating with normal human society.