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Today In Police Reports

  1. Fifth-Graders Suspended for Making a ‘Bomb’It was not a prank. They had a legitimate plan.”
  2. Canadian Man Faces Jail Time for Smuggling Turtles in His PantsHe strapped 41 turtles around his legs and hid 10 in between.
  3. Person Arrested After Shooting Threat in ChicagoThe suspect allegedly mentioned Laquan McDonald in the online threat.
  4. Man Wields Samurai Sword at Apple StoreHe was quickly apprehended by two police officers inside the flagship store. 
  5. NYC Dentist Arrested on Child-Porn ChargesHe also was allegedly a big fan of Brooklyn parties “where participants would engage in sexual intercourse with animals.”
  6. Penn Station Shooter Snorts Up in CustodyHe tried to hide the evidence under a table. It didn’t work.
  7. FBI Not Sure Where All the Guns Stolen From Massachusetts Army Building Went YetAuthorities don’t think the break-in had anything to do with terrorism … but still, there are assault rifles on the loose. 
  8. Darius McCollum Arrested for Stealing Bus AgainHe told authorities he’s going after a plane next.
  9. Alabama Police Charge 8-Year-Old Boy With Toddler’s Murder The mother of the deceased 1-year-old has been charged with manslaughter. 
  10. FBI: Two Virginia Men Planned to Incite a ‘Race War’ by Bombing Black ChurchesThe men shared an esoteric religion that combines aspects of Norse mythology with white-supremacist “race science.”
  11. N.J. Police Ask Unknown Weed Owner to Come and Get ItSomeone out there is missing a whole lot of marijuana.
  12. Woman Calls 911 for About the 75th Time This Year to Report Missing Cell PhoneDon’t worry, she found it. 
  13. Porky Pileup Puts Police in a Pickle A truck with 2,200 piglets inside overturned in Ohio. 
  14. Drunk Man Doesn’t Need Doctors, Removes Fence From His Leg HimselfThe self-surgery took place outside a “party house” in Minnesota.
  15. Stuffed Tiger Terrorizes Town in WashingtonAnimal Control can’t do much for animals that have never been alive.
  16. Two Fake Skeletons Found Having a Tea Party in the Colorado RiverOne, wearing sunglasses, held a sign that said “Bernie.”
  17. Man Reports Missing Dog PoopThe dog feces was valued at $1.”