"When I was 15 I used to cry myself to sleep with how much I was in love with Dana Carvey."
Tip No. 1: Don't use the dialogue from his books.
Sing a song! Tell a joke! And five other ways to make them better.
"If you're in the desert and you're dying of thirst, are you going to drink a glass of blood or you going to drink a glass a water?"
The Get Shorty, Out of Sight, and Justified author died this morning.
Or two of them did, anyway.
Your offer to play a featured extra? That's not a good reward.
No teen marriage, for starters.
It is great.
Let's learn from the pain.
"All the BEST!"
We encourage you to drop an accidental expletive, but leave God out of it.
"Start slimming down now. You looked kinda paunchy in NORBIT."
We plot Cheryl's post–'X Factor' comeback.
Beef Squashing, Optimism, and Getting Lindsay Lohan’s Phone Number: Life Lessons From Mobb Deep’s Prodigy
"‘Lindsay who?’ I asked. ‘She’s an actress, nigga,’ he said, laughing."
"You can't win."
"Buy some nail clippers."
"I'm at Yale right now, so, is there a class I could take?"
Yoda is your favorite movie character, right?
More federal funding for dinosaur-resurrecting!
Plus, Will Ferrell complains to Jimmy Kimmel about Justin Bieber's ability to steal the spotlight from him at his own movie premiere, on our regular late-night roundup.
2. Point people to the good songs on your album.
"He should move on."
Whose lyrics are better qualified for Vulture to infer how to talk to girls from?
Also: an answer to Richard Flood's broadside against the Internet and Jerry Saltz's Facebook page.