The pilot didn't go to series, but here's what would have opened the show every week.
It must have been that book she wrote.
Plus, Lauren Conrad informs Chelsea Handler about one of the sexual meanings behind those Silly Bandz.
Plus: David Duchovny sexy enough to have chemistry with a wall.
Plus: Helen Mirren loves Lady Gaga and plastic surgery.
Plus: Antoine Fuqua! Lauren Conrad! Thomas the Tank Engine!
Plus: Lauren Conrad puts her knowledge of theorems to the test.
Plus: MTV censors save us from not-funny Russell Brand jokes.
Plus: Madonna on what it would take to get her to sing "Like a Virgin" again.
This week, the absurdities started in the pre-show "previously on 24" segment and ratcheted up from there.