If you had told us yesterday that in 24 hours we'd be privy to a fashion show that made Kimora Lee Simmons look like Michael Kors, we'd have patted you on the back, poured you a cup of coffee, and called you a cab, because clearly you needed to go sleep it off.
But that was before we learned that the unofficial theme for Rock & Republic was "Pimps n' Hos." For serious: We're pretty sure that the only people buying the metallic hot pants, sheer leopard-print, fur-trimmed gowns, and something that we think might have involved the skin of a Muppet are actual, genuine whores.
There certainly weren't any celebrities at the show, because the only people desperate enough to feign interest in this train wreck were socialites. Tinsley Mortimer wasted a perfectly good out-of-character sleek ponytail on it and looked totally lost as she struggled to keep a politely straight face. Camilla al Fayed, two seats down, didn't even try, laughing with abandon toward the end when a girl came out wearing a cropped jacket and low-slung shorts that deliberately revealed the SEAM on her TIGHTS. For real. And then there were the footless tights worn as pants. And the neon. The NEON. Our eyes, they are still burning.
The whole thing was like Sienna Miller and Janice Dickinson had a threesome with Vince Neal in the Mötley Crüe heyday, and this collection was their demonic, deranged spawn. Except trashier.
Honestly, we're kind of scarred. We haven't seen this kind of horror 72 separate, skanky looks! 72! since the acid-washed craze swept our junior high. And just when we thought it was all over, it got worse: The models were forced out on the runway to drink Champagne very awkwardly with the designer (who came out to the weakest three-person ovation we've ever barely heard) and pretend to socialize, like the curtain call of a dinner-theater production of Cabaret directed by Lil' Kim. The bloody show just wouldn't end: After being assaulted by the tragedy against fabric and good taste that was the show itself, we all had to sit there and watch the greasy male models undulate, when all we wanted to do was get out of there and wash the skank off.
It might take all week. The Fug Girls