Celeb Designers Fug Up Fashion Week

We look forward to Fashion Week for a variety of reasons: free booze, the opportunity to invade Anna Wintour’s personal space, the adrenaline from wondering if this might be the time Rachel Zoe stabs us in the face with a stiletto. And then there are the clothes. Sure, we enjoy the exotic frocks that cost more than our cars, but we really cherish the crazy stuff sent down the catwalk by delusional celebrities convinced they can be the next Derek Lam.

Celebs are desperate to dress the masses (despite their own questionable ability to dress themselves), so we're thrilled that a record five A-list celebrities are currently scheduled to show during Fashion Week. Sure, they may surprise us, but let's be honest: It's way more fun if we run horrified from the tents.

Gwen Stefani: This isn’t Gwen’s first Fashion Week rodeo, but it’s our first in-person look at L.A.M.B., a collection inspired by the singer's own quirky — yet widely worshipped — style. We've long suspected that most of what Gwen wears would look totally insane on anyone else (hell, half the time, it looks totally insane on her), and judging by stills from her spring 2006 show, which resembled an ode to Bob Marley by way of the Gap, we might be right. That said, her less ambitious pieces are surprisingly wearable, so we’re expecting a mixed bag, just like Gwen’s own wardrobe.

Jennifer Lopez: Her Justsweet line was conceived during those crazy J.Lo days — you know, when she wore blinged-out knickers tied at the knees and tried to turn Ben Affleck into her new Diddy. But now, our girl's a happily married Marchesa addict who accessorizes with an adoring, if faintly undead, husband. We wonder if her new mellow lifestyle has influenced this season’s offerings. Will her customary shoulder-baring sweatshirts and questionable angora sweater-dresses be replaced by more elegant, classic designs? Or will the collection still resemble an off-shoot of Macy’s INC line? Might Jenny from the block venture into personally branded mink eyelashes, and, if so, will they be in the goody bags? We hope the answers are yes, no, and a resounding yes.

Nicky Hilton in a Nicholai dress, February 2007.Photo: Getty Images

Nicky Hilton: While both L.A.M.B and Sweetface have the potential to be wearable or whack, we’re pretty sure the big reveal of Nicky Hilton’s label Nicholai will feature mediocre clothes and tons of D-list celebrities — like Heatherette, but with none of the irony, self-awareness, or drag queens. After canceling her original debut in Miami earlier this year (apparently the line "wasn't ready," which we think actually means “sucked”) and later rescheduling a "safer" debut in Vegas (which should tell you all you need to know), this is Nicky's chance to prove she's the Useful Hilton. Alas, judging by the items Nicky’s unveiled thus far — an unexciting white frock with a plunging neckline we’re pretty sure we already saw on the sale rack at Zara — we suspect she’s still just Boring Hilton, designing serviceable yet unimaginative dresses. Which are, to be fair, useful for comfortably chasing one’s sister away from one’s boyfriend, escaping speedily from the paparazzi, and doing the occasional keg stand.

Chloë Sevigny: The world now knows her as prim Nicki on Big Love, but we know better. To us, crazy Chloë will always be She Whose Clothing Choices Are Most Likely to Give Us Ulcers. During her years as a muse and collaborator for friend Tara Subkoff's Imitation of Christ line, Mme. Umlaut wore everything from spangled hot pants under a piece of tulle to a simple bed sheet. Now that she's calling the shots with her own line for Opening Ceremony, we can only imagine what glories controversial personal taste might yield. Footie pajamas made of satin, perhaps? High-waisted Chinos with fur tube tops? Sexy animal-print cocktail dresses … with lifelike masks attached? We’re already filling our flasks in anticipation.

Olsens

The Row: sophisticated, sexual, Olsen-designed.Photo: Courtesy of the Row

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen: Even though they’re not showing at Fashion Week, we’re still excited enough about the debut of M-K and A’s line The Row to give it a mention. By all accounts (even New York magazine's own!), the girls have worked hard on the clothes themselves, as opposed to farming out the design to some anonymous FIT slave. And given their genuine, long-running interest in serious fashion (unlike certain contemporaries — we’re looking at you, Amanda Bynes), it’s entirely possible that The Row will be legitimately fresh. On the other hand, given Mary-Kate's penchant for tatty coats and torn tights, there’s still a chance that some pieces may look like they were fished out of a trash compactor and washed in Starbucks House Blend. No matter what the outcome, we know we won’t be able to look away. —The Fug Girls

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