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Monday-Morning Quarterbacking: Oscars Edition!

From left, Ryan Seacrest and Collin Farrell might be able to "smolder," but it didn't help their outfits.Photos: AP, Getty Images


The annual parade of gowns down the Oscars' red carpet last night was a big-time bore; no one looked absolutely dazzling. And no one looked absolutely dreadful, unless you count Ryan Seacrest. Though there was also Colin Farrell … But we digress! We don't understand why more stars don't wear fashionable things to the Oscars. This year's numerous solid-colored silk gowns harkened back to prom, per usual, but thank God for Marion Cotillard, who at least livened things up a little bit. The Guardian called her Jean Paul Gaultier fish gown "creepy," while the Telegraph called it a "winner." Finally, controversy! The postshow fashion analysis, along with our own takeaway, after the jump.





Glub glub.Photo: Getty Images

Marion Cotillard
Hilary Alexander for the Telegraph says: "Marion Cotillard, Best Actress – This scalloped, embroidered, haute couture ‘mermaid gown’ by Jean Paul Gaultier, was a winner from the moment she stepped out of her limo, accessorized with an unusual multi-strand diamond necklace by Chopard."
Imogen Fox for the Guardian says: "Her full-length and literal take on fishtail by Jean-Paul Gaultier, complete with scales, was undoubtedly silly and a little creepy, but last month I couldn't even spell her name and now she's my out-and-out red carpet favourite."
We say: It was just about the only interesting gown of the night, so even though it's weird, we loved it just for the sake of having something different to look at.




Photo: Getty Images

Tilda Swinton
Eric Wilson from the New York Times says: "Ms. Swinton, bless her Dobby the House Elf-loving heart, will most likely wake up with a few bruises tomorrow for her dress (from Lanvin)."
He adds: "The hits were few and the misses, well, seemed to be less a result of actresses who dare to risk the wrath of the fashion police (Tilda Swinton leading the charge in a shapeless black bolt of fabric that appeared to be designed by the House of Hefty) than a general sense of red carpet malaise"
We say: Even a bruised Swinton will be the wittiest actress on most red carpets, and we think brains and personality are more noteworthy than the House of Hefty. Girls like Miley Cyrus have a lot to learn from her.




To her credit, she looks tanner this year (left) than last (right).Photo: Getty Images


Cameron Diaz
Imogen Fox from the Guardian says: "Because a loose ponytail exudes red carpet confidence. [The Best Hair] award could have gone to Rosamund Pike, Cate Blanchett or even Ellen Page. But Diaz gets it because it successfully distracts from the fact that she's wearing last year's dress."
Alexandra Fullerton for the BBC says: "Cameron Diaz, who presented the best cinematographer award, wore a sugar-pink Christian Dior gown, but cleverly avoided slipping into saccharine territory with the addition of some edgy origami-style pleats."
We say: She looked and acted like a drab mess, but we love that her whole look seemed to say, "I'm so over it."


Squeeze!Photo: Getty Images

Sarah Larson
Hank Stuever for the Washington Post says: "At last, the Clooneyjam works its way toward us. His girlfriend, Sarah Larson, is wearing Valentino, all jewelish and flowery. The evil, un-[Tim] Gunn person in us thinks shower curtain, but we aren't about to say it. Clooney'd slap us silly."
We say: Shower curtain maybe, but we'd call it the upholstery on grandma's couch.
















The anti-sack.Photo: Getty Images

Faye Dunaway
Hilary Alexander for the Telegraph says: "This gold lace second-skin of a gown by Pamella Rolland, is too tight, too revealing, too see-through, too much."
We say: She looked glam. She doesn't have that body so she can hide it under a sack.
















Who knew diamonds could be messy.Photo: Getty Images

Nicole Kidman
Hilary Alexander for the Telegraph says: "There’s plain and there’s just plain boring. Pregnancy is no excuse. What’s with the droopy rows of chains and crystals dangling over the bust and back?"
We say: Maybe the necklace was meant to offset the work that appeared to have been done on her lips. Or maybe she was trying to outdo Kimora Lee Simmons's million-dollar hairpiece.













She makes the carpet look pink.Photo: Getty Images

Heidi Klum
Hank Stuever for the Washington Post says: "Heidi Klum in a Coke-can-red Galliano (which she says she'll be donating to an auction for that whole [Product] Red charity? As in, just strip it off right there at the Governors Ball and let the bidding commence? It's a milkshake, and we drink. It. Up."
Imogen Fox for the Guardian says: "Let's leave goody two shoes dresser Anne Hathaway and perma-bore Heidi Klum to battle it out for the best red dress prize in Marchesa and Galliano respectively."
We say: Why was she there anyway? We don't think we'd be able to handle Heidi Klum the actress (yawn?) so let's hope her Oscar cameo wasn't a subliminal advertisement for acting ambitions.








Dress, or Christmas gift?Photo: Getty Images

Rebecca Miller
Imogen Fox from the Guardian says: "Worst supporting partner: Rebecca Miller. Theirs is a difficult role come Oscar night. It's not your night, so you're not meant to look leagues better — or leagues worse — than your partner. Alas, Miller, wife of Daniel Day-Lewis, chose tablecloth check shoes, orange bows that looked like they came from Clinton Cards and tarantula-sized brooches. All on lace, which can be difficult at the best of times. Granted, she probably spent the hours before the ceremony advising her husband on his earrings and worrying about how she'd cope with his ego issues if he didn't win, but still."
We say: At least her outfit plucked her out of her husband's shadow and earned her a good bit of publicity.




Best bosomPhoto: Getty Images

Jennifer Hudson
Us Weekly says: "Two years in a row! After being panned for her brown dress and gold cape last year, the Best Supporting Actress winner donned an awkward white gown with diamond snakeskin straps."
We say: Yes it's kind of tacky, but at least her boobs defied gravity.














Textured chests distract from pregnant bellies,Photo: Getty Images

Jessica Alba
Hillary Alexander for the Telegraph says: "Heavily pregnant but simply stunning in an aubergine silk, empire-line gown with rose-appliqued bodice, by Marchesa."
We say: Are those sea anemones clinging to her chest?

Earlier: Live From the Oscars: It's the Red Fugging Carpet!

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Copyright © 2013, New York Media LLC.
All Rights Reserved.

Copyright © 2013, New York Media LLC. All Rights Reserved.

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