You know how when you meet someone in this city, you have the standard list of questions like, "Where do you live?" or "What are you drinking?" Usually these questions stick to the banal cocktail-party chatter, but Page Six Magazine, which has already established itself as the one glossy insert with no problem running articles that "go there," this weekend went ahead and asked the catty question that dozens of girls in bars across Murray Hill are always secretly, silently asking of one another: "What kind of NYC dieter are you?" Thankfully, Tinsley Mortimer bravely rose to the challenge (we already know she's got no qualms talking about her eating habits, having already once shared her weekly diet with our brother blog Grub Street) and explained how she maintains her "size 2" figure in this week's issue (Serafina's coffee and melon for breakfast, a salad for lunch — yum!). Then again, Tinsley wrote a chapter in a hot new diet book coming out in April called The Park Avenue Diet. But wait! The Wall Street Diet comes out in April also and promises some downtown competition at the bookstore. And as if the titles weren't quite subtle enough about the books' intended audiences in a super-retro, pre-sexual-revolution, "what's a glass ceiling?" sort of way, the Page Six Mag treatment is hilariously illuminating. Suddenly, it's clear: This is an awesome couple's opportunity! Allow Page Six to map it out for you.
THE PARK AVENUE DIET:
If you're life's ambition is to look like this week's Page Six Magazine cover girl Tinsley Mortimer (she wrote the Park Avenue Diet's chapter on interpersonal skills by the way), then this "million dollar makeover" has your name all over it. Just make sure you've got time on your side. You'll need it for preparing meals, getting your hair and makeup just right, exercising and practicing social skills.
• Breakfast: Homemade granola with pumpkin yogurt
• Lunch: Homemade bean soup (Page Six Magazine provides the recipe, which looks to take about three hours)
• Snack: Ten baby carrots with one tablespoon of tapenade
• Dinner: Sea bass with mango coulis and rice pilaf
• Dessert: Chocolate square with raspberry coulis
Exercise: Do aerobics and get more sleep.
[Wear] the "right" colors and styles (blue, black, or white for business and no scoop necks, which are universally unflattering) … [remember] posture says everything about you. Follicle guru Joel Warren recommends hair colors that match your personality (red hair, for example, says, "look at me"). Makeup artist Laura Geller advises a less-is-more approach (although she trumpets bold lipsticks as a mood enhancer).
It says "women" because: Men don't wear "scoop necks," color their hair very often, or typically wear makeup. The plan also includes dessert, and we all know which sex wages a fiercer battle with chocolate cravings. Likewise, we also know which sex outweighs the other in aerobics classes.
Implication: Women have to spend their precious time looking purty! Also, they have hours every day to cook bean soup because why work?
THE WALL STREET DIET:
"Weight loss is not about willpower, it's about strategy," dietician Heather Bauer writes in her new book, describing her program as a diet for people who don't have time to make food prep a priority … "For the Wall Street elite, the elephant in the room that no one has addressed before — certainly no diet — is their work: They work long hours, entertain frequently and travel too much … And they want to continue to entertain business associates, work long hours and drink a glass of wine while losing weight and maintaining their overall health." These folks won't be making changes to their lifestyle anytime soon.
• Breakfast: Nonfat Greek yogurt with Kashi Go Lean and a plum
• Lunch: Lite six-inch Subway sandwich on wheat bread
• 3 p.m. snack: Apple
• "Late snack before heading to a cocktail party": Piece of cheese on a cracker
• "Cocktail party dinner" following the three- to four-napkin rule: The first napkin could be a beef-sate skewer, the second could be three steamed vegetable dumplings, the third could be three shrimp, and the fourth could be one piece of a California roll.
• Evening snack: Quarter-pound of turkey at home.
Alcohol: One glass of wine at dinner
It says "man" because: Hair, makeup, and wardrobe talk are excluded. (Obviously no self-respecting Wall Streeter would care about such things. Ahem.) Also, the meal plan — like finishing the day with turkey instead of dessert — comes off a bit more manly than, like, pumpkin yogurt.
Implications: Men bring home the, er, turkey bacon. And drink more.