What Paris Hilton Can Do to Help Us All Stomach Her

Who wouldn't take this seriously? Photo: 944.com

Big news: Paris Hilton has found a magazine willing to run a photo spread of her. She appears in this month's 944 wearing very skimpy, very tacky outfits, if you can even call them "outfits." Apparently Hilton has "shak[en] the party girl image," which the photos clearly indicate. In a Q&A with the magazine, she explains everyone has her all wrong:

"[P]eople don't know the real me, and I'm a very hard worker. I travel around the world constantly promoting my projects and endorsing products. Yes, I do get paid to go to parties; in fact, I'm the person who started the whole trend of paid appearances. But when you see me at a party, I'm always working or promoting something, even if it's as simple as wearing my clothing line for the pictures."

Or, let's say, drinking or pretending to eat (we've seen it, y'all!). But if Hilton is so good at promotion, why isn't she wearing more of the clothes she designed in the shoot instead of H&M underwear? No, we think she's got things all wrong. Since this story proves she's not ever going to go away, we've provided a bit of advice for Paris's upcoming projects after the jump so she can become less of a walking contradiction and make it easier for us all to bear her.

944: Will you be starring in another reality show?
Hilton: I'm developing another one right now! But I'm also looking for shows to produce. I've been in front of the camera for so many years, so I think it would be interesting to be on the other side for a change, making creative decisions and putting a show together.

We suggest: Darling, you were born for the screen! We'd love to see Paris Hilton Fear Factor, where Paris does all the things Fear Factor contestants do, like eat cow patties while maggots crawl all over their faces. We wouldn't miss that.

944: Speaking of being creative, aren't you launching your clothing line this year?
Hilton: I actually have two: one international line and one for the U.S. and Canada. It's currently being sold across the nation in Macy's stores and Nordstrom, also Fred Segal, Kitson and a few others, I think. I'm also launching a shoe line this month on the same day my first movie comes out. That's my problem — sometimes I have to be in two places at once.

We suggest: Sending a blow-up doll in your place. It will get just as much press, probably more.

944: How much of your work is done in foreign markets?
Hilton: The Rich Prosecco beverage hasn't even come to America yet, but it will be coming this year. We've already sold over 10 million cans in Europe.

We suggest: Not signing up to market any more alcoholic beverages, especially if you're going to appear in their ads clad entirely in sequins.

944: How many products are you currently endorsing?
Hilton: Let's see. I have Dream Catchers, which are my hair extensions, a high-end beverage called Rich Prosecco, my new fragrance Can Can, my dog apparel line with Little Lily and a jewelry line with Damiani. And I'm the face of FILA Sportswear for the Korean market.

We suggest: Staying overseas! If Europeans and Koreans like you so much, stay there. You even have a language barrier to justify acting like a ninny.

Quick Change Artist [944]
Related: Paris Hilton: AIDS Bad, Animals Good [NYM]