Heidi Montag has her talents — creating drama on The Hills without appearing to read laboriously from cue cards (ahem, Audrina), making us all wonder why she's still dating villainous Spencer when even his sister seems to dislike him — but design (or even getting dressed, for that matter) has never been among them. Hence our fascination with this week's launch of her creatively titled Heidiwood line for Anchor Blue. Say what you will about Lauren Conrad's collection — we called it tragique — but at least she studies fashion; when Heidi attended FIT (tellingly, for a day, before quitting), it was to learn about PR, making Heidiwood the equivalent of having once typed up a recipe and auditioning for Top Chef. Naturally, we had to investigate — the kind of up-close and terrifying recon that can only come from trying Heidi’s wares on our brave, implant-free selves.
It was bad. So bad. To Montag's credit, she trumpets Heidiwood's prices of $10 to $60 for any given item — compared to the triple-digit tags on L.C.’s line, that's a sure sign that she at least she understands her demographic. And yet everything we saw still gave us sticker shock. Paper-thin tanks for $27? Flimsy, panty-line-molesting dresses at nearly 40 bucks? Sure, that's a steal compared to Marc Jacobs, but not far enough removed from what you'd pay at the Gap for something that's at least 100 percent cotton and unlikely to give you a rash. When $37 seems exorbitant for a dress, you know you’ve got problems. In fact, it cemented our suspicion that Heidi is turning into Paris 2.0: terrible singer, lame boyfriends, famous mostly for on-camera pouting, and excessively eager to merchandise herself, regardless of actual quality.
Luckily, it's possible no one else is interested. Not only were we alone in visiting Heidiwood, we were the sole shoppers at that Anchor Blue, period, exposing us to the naked curiosity of the employees. “Are you a … fan of Heidi?” one of them asked. We murmured something unintelligible, much like the previous day when we called to confirm the clothes' arrival and the store clerk said, "Are you … um … interested in the Heidi Montag stuff?" He might as well have enquired, "Are you eating glass?" But the store's emptiness ultimately saved us — with customers nearby, we'd have lacked the guts to open the dressing-room doors.
There's a reason, by the way, that we only photographed Montag's designs looking unattractive on the hanger and not on ourselves: No self-respecting grown woman should allow herself to be seen in these garments. Only two of the twelve items have sleeves, and just one — a pair of jeans — extends past mid-thigh. In fact, only one other thing extends past the upper thigh: a dress that would have been mildly acceptable had it not been made from the kind of cotton you usually only see on Target’s discount panties. At one point, we faced each other: One of us wore black short-shorts with a one-inch inseam (half a thumb, for real) and a zebra-striped tank with a faux-chiffon back bow; the other, a white-denim, butt-cleavage-baring skirt with a backless teal top that's baggy in the bust and tight at the gut — perfect if you haven't eaten pasta in ten years and have ginormous implants (sound familiar?). The stuff was the complete opposite of flattering. We looked like rejects from Rock of Love II with Bret Michaels; stick us on the hood of a car and Whitesnake would've appeared, guitars in hand.
Clearly, Heidi's already grasping at post-Hills career straws, but unfortunately she's stirring the wrong drink with them. We look to her for gossip and drama, not style. Instead of playing in L.C.'s sandbox, she should write a juicy tell-all or how-to — say, 50 Ways to Leave Your Spencer, or Scalpel of Regret: Surgery Ruined My Face. After all, when you can hoodwink the Times into calling you a feminist hero, surely you can find something better to do than hawking overpriced, crappy hot pants. —The Fug Girls
Most Viewed Stories
I Tried Hillary Clinton’s Diet and Now I Sympathize With Her
Blake Lively Reportedly Just Gave Birth, and You’ll Never Guess Who’s Running to the Hospital
Brad Pitt Fights Back Against Angelina Jolie and Her Plot to ‘Destroy’ Him
Looks Like Kate Middleton Is Enjoying the View in Canada
Angelina Jolie Got Everything She Wanted in Temporary Divorce Deal With Brad Pitt
What It’s Like to Be a Female Reporter Covering Donald Trump
The Best Part of Being a Royal Is Getting to Pet Bunnies
The Mysterious Deaths of Two Sisters in a Luxury Hotel
22 Intimate Lost Photos of Marilyn Monroe
Megyn Kelly Roasts Trump’s Campaign Manager for Claiming He Doesn’t Make Sexist Comments
From Our Partners
Who What Wear
powered by PubExchange
The Cut’s Latest Fashion FeaturesCiara's Wedding Dress Was Too Big for the Chapel
To be fair, it was a 13 foot-long dress.You and Rihanna Will Both Want to Invest in Dior’s New Bag
It's got something for everyone.Polo Shirts Have Turned Their Back on Ryan Lochte
Along with his other major sponsors.Ryan Lochte Will No Longer Be Paid to Wear Tiny Bathing Suits
Speedo remains committed to transparency.Laura Brown Is the New Editor-in-Chief of InStyle
After 11 years at Harper’s Bazaar.Tyra Banks Is Going to Teach a Class on Smizing at Stanford
"If I see somebody not paying attention, I’m gonna call on them."This Floating Pier Is the Most Zen Installation Ever
Walking on water in Italy.Nation Is Appalled by Matt Lauer’s Nude Ankles During Ryan Lochte Interview
What’s the opposite of “Jeah”?8 People at the Life of Pablo Pop-up Explain Why Kanye West Is a God
"I mean, Kanye West is just Kanye West. There's not more or less you can say about Kanye West. He's just Mr. West!"A T-shirt Is Enough
Simplicity, versatility, and cool. What more could you want?
She took a perfect pencil dive off a 30-foot yacht.American Apparel Is Being Sued by Former Workers
As the company considers putting itself up for sale.A Gendered History of the Tailored Suit
From Marlon Brando to Coco Chanel.How Zendaya Developed Such Great Style at the Young Age of 19
The star's best looks from Disney to now.Proof That If You’re Chic Enough, a Little Federal Investigation Doesn’t Matter
Is this the best they could do?5,300-Year-Old Mummified Iceman Probably Would’ve Been a Street-Style Star
He had several different looks and was “pretty picky.”J.Crew Has Identified 226 Shades of Pink
Even more than there are shades of gray.Gigi and Bella Hadid Merch Is Now Somehow a Thing That Is Happening
Today in Hadidiana.Gird Your Loins for the Return of Yeezy to New York Fashion Week
The season approaches.This Indie Brand Had a Great Response to Ivanka Trump
When she bought one of their cuffs, they donated the proceeds to the Clinton campaign.