‘The Hills’: You're Crying Because You're Not As Awesome As Spencer

Another Monday night, another back-to-back showing of The Hills. Thank you, MTV! The first episode is ominously titled "When Spencer Finds Out." Dum-dum-dum! It’s not inconceivable that Spencer is a mass murderer (his trademark would be leaving his victims’ hands in thumbs-up signs), so this title seems scarily appropriate. We open with star-crossed lovers Lauren and Stephanie strolling FIDM’s campus. Lauren casually mentions that she’s having a party that night for her 22nd birthday and then awkwardly invites Stephanie to stop by. Stephanie seems hesitant. After all, “she’s the blood [of Spencer].” See? Nicely phrased. We told you he’s a mass murderer.

Cut to Heidi’s apartment. Spencer is gathering up the rest of his stuff, and — OH MY GOD HEIDI’S BREASTS. They're just sitting there in the middle of the screen! We’re turning to salt! Noooooo… Must. Look. Away. Really, not to harp, but those things are huge and distract us from our dutiful recapping job. Whoa. Somehow Spencer manages to get past Heidi's rack and tactfully asks her if it’s okay if he dates other girls; she rightfully gets pissed at him. He smirks à la Jerry Seinfeld as Heidi tells him, “I’m about to punch you in the face.” Subtle.

Then we’re back with Lauren and Lo, who are bonding over how annoying Brody and Frankie are. We forgot that there was something between Lo and Frankie. Wait, was there? Anyway, all we have to say is this: Lo, it looks like you’re overprocessing your hair. Yikes.

Meanwhile, Spencer and Stephanie are fighting about how he needs to get his stuff out of her apartment — Stephanie has a right to be pissed, since Spencer did manage to lug over some large and awkward video-game consoles and place them in the middle of her living room. She threatens to call their dad to complain. We want to meet their dad! We envision him as half-human, half-fire-breathing dragon. Or Donald Trump. Spencer continues to be totally obnoxious to Stephanie. It’s truly an accomplishment that Spencer’s able to make his evil sister seem sympathetic. She decides that she's not going to speak to Spencer anymore and heads out for the night. So long as Spencer's stocked with some Baja Fresh and television for the night, he doesn't seem to care what the hell happens.

Before long we’re at Lauren’s birthday party, which is being held at S Bar — and here's a key bit of info, for those of you looking for plot developments: S Bar is run by Bolthouse (where Heidi is fake employed), and Heidi's co-worker Kimberly is running the door for Lauren's party. What are the odds of that happening? Now, back to the party: There are birthday hats! And cake! Thank God we don’t have to attend parties like this anymore. Stephanie comes to the shindig, and Lauren drunkenly tells her that she’s a good person. Aw … vodka-induced love! Lo and Audrina look at the giddy couple suspiciously, and Lo’s fake smile at Stephanie is hi-larious. Lauren’s red dress seems to be squeezing her breasts a bit uncomfortably but is cute regardless. How we suffer for fashion!

Back at Heidi’s fake job, Kimberly the co-worker rats out Stephanie for hanging out with Lauren. Bet you didn't see that coming. Sigh. Heidi’s upset that Stephanie would attend her sworn enemy’s party and calls Spencer to complain. See, that’s what happens when you have no friends, Heidi: You resort to calling your ex-boyfriend to gossip. Tragic.

We briefly return to Lauren's less interesting plotline: She has a lunch with Brody in which they talk about nothing, but they do both manage to wear really ugly sunglasses. Brody warns Lauren about Stephanie, which makes Lauren love her even more, probably.

The producers quickly relieve us of the Lauren-Brody nonsense and return us to the good stuff: Spencer confronts Stephanie about going to the party and makes her cry! Sad! She tells him that he has to stop making enemies, and he continues to give her the most annoying, sarcastic thumbs up in response. Then, in a masterful display of manipulation, Spencer tells Stephanie, “You’re making yourself cry thinking about what you did.” Wow, this guy is good.

There’s a brief scene of Lauren and Stephanie canoodling in class, which we're sure their teacher really appreciated. These girls bring in a camera to her lecture and then don’t even listen while she’s talking. Rude!

And we end with Heidi talking to Stephanie about Lauren’s party. We can’t really follow her logic, but clearly she’s mad because she’s pouting, once again. —Emma Rosenblum

Coming soon: Our recap of last night's second episode, and the Unequivocal Hills Reality Index!