Unless you've been on a private island devoid of media for the past year or so, you are painfully aware that the Most Important Movie of Our Time opens Friday. And while we can handle the premieres, marathon rerun specials, and our copiously overexcited girlfriends' chain e-mails about buying tickets together and going this weekend, we're starting to collapse under the absurdity of press releases sent from publicists desperate to alert us to special Sex and the City–related promotions. It seems anyone trying to sell a dress, bag, or cocktail in this town believes the best way to do that is to tell you their goods are exactly what Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte, or Samantha would wear, carry, or drink, even though many (if not most) of these items are not what said characters would wear, carry, or drink at all. Thus, for your cringing pleasure (if only to balance out the sweetness of those Cosmopolitans you've been inundated with), a taste of some of these special marketing ploys.
1. Overstock.com offers a "kit" for a girl on a budget who wants to look just like Carrie. You see said "kit" above. We don't profess to know the habits and philosophies of fictional characters, but we suspect that if Carrie were a real woman, she'd find the idea of assembling an outfit from a "kit" to be just cause for hara-kiri.
2. eDressme offers dresses for girls who enjoy Fab Four–esque outings, "whether it is a brunch date with the girls or a night out sipping cosmos." Above, you see a sample of their offerings — dresses Samantha would "wear." You know, if Samantha were Vanna White in a cracked-out beauty pageant.
3. HBO's shop offers apparel for the girl who wants to look like a tourist. Let's decide right here and now that "Looking for my Mr. Big" is the new "I'm with stupid," okay?
4. Tobi.com offers clothes conveniently organized by which character might wear them. You see a selection of their looks above. Except for the fact that you might end up wearing a "Charlotte" tablecloth dress, we really don't mind this concept. However, Tobi.com also offers a "stylist" program that lets you chat live with someone who can help you look "more like Carrie in Paris or Miranda in the final season," for example. This service enables the crazies enough as is; let's not let them get overly specific.
5. Celebrity stylist Rachel Johnson's services can help girls look like the Fab Four and help guys get the "fabulous look of Mr. Big." See the kind of stuff she picks out above. Apparently, she also styled LeBron James for the cover of Vogue's Shape issue. We all remember how well that turned out, don't we?
6. Max and Chloe makes a "super fab" cougar necklace for necks missing that special something. We actually like this idea: It will be great for Halloween, when we dress up as Lil Mama.
7. VideoJug.com offers video instruction on how to lead your life just like the girls. Because people who are actually interested in this service don't already know precisely how to go about pursuing their delusions? Anyhow, according to the e-mail, you can learn how to "run in high heels like Carrie," "give a good-night kiss like Charlotte," and "date younger men" like Samantha. Best of all, you can learn how to power-dress without the shoulder pads. You know, we'd rather just wear the shoulder pads than watch all the videos.
8. Fireside restaurant will get you trashed with Fab Four–inspired cocktails. You're gonna need them, and they're $25 off at Fireside, with your ticket stub. Enjoy drinks specially concocted for Carrie, Charlotte, Samantha, and Miranda — like Charlotte's Virgin Cotton-Candy Kiss. After one of those, you'll probably want another just to forget the shame of the first.
9. eBay offers statistics on how select items have been selling in light of the movie. Oh, burning curiosity satiated! They say sales of flower accessories and handbags have increased 21 percent. And Manolo Blahnik sales are up by 64 percent. Good to know, right? Thanks, eBay. We know you were dying to jump on the bandwagon. Well played.