‘The Hills’: No Place Like Audrina's Crappy Home

This week in the continuing saga we like to refer to as Shitting on Audrina’s Head, we open with Heidi (sleeveless and wearing a scarf, as is the inexplicable L.A. style) and her fake boss Brent Bolthouse chatting in his office. This whole scene reeks of sexual innuendo/harassment, though we’re not sure from which end. Heidi says she wants to make herself “as available” to the Bolt-man as she can, even if that means relocating or traveling. Bolt-man tells her he’s trying to expand the Hyde brand, and that she can work in the casino in Las Vegas. Is it not enough that Hyde is a megaclub — could it now be a gambling mecca as well? And will Heidi fulfill her destiny as a cocktail waitress? Also, is Brent’s given name actually Brent Bolthouse? Or is that, like, his first pet’s name and the street he grew up on? These are important things to think about. Heidi tells him this plan “sounds brilliant” and she’s “up for the challenge.” We think her mail-in degree from DeVry is really paying off with all this “brilliant” office jargon she’s throwing around.

Theme song! After all our speculation about the identity of the model who does the kissy-face in the credits (successful underwear-catalogue career or homeless druggie?), we have now heard that maybe she’s actually Whitney’s sister. Anyone have thoughts? Let us know.

Moving along, Lo and Lauren are lounging outside at their new house, wondering where their third roommate could be. “I believe she’s in her room-slash-chateau,” says Lauren, which is a much nicer way of referring to what we've come to think of as Audrina's "slave quarters." Lo starts out the episode bitchily: “Let her come out on her own time,” she says. Lo wants to go shopping. She is quickly turning into a huge spoiled brat, a term we don’t use lightly, as it was (and still is) the ultimate insult from our brother. Anyway, Audrina emerges from her cave and invites the girls to go with her to watch a band called Alkaline Trio record a song. Lo totally grimaces at the idea, and Lauren suggests that maybe they can all get dinner together to celebrate their “roommate-ness.” Audrina takes off, and Lo reiterates that all she wants to do is shop. Okay, bratty-brat, we get it.

Back at Heidi’s fake office, she tells her work “friend” Kimberly that Brent’s promoting her to be project manager. Kimberly’s all “REALLY???” finally betraying her true feelings about Heidi and Heidi’s position in their company. Which is funny, 'cause she feels the same way we do, which is this: How does this 21-year-old idiot without a college degree have an office and a better title than she does? The magic of The Hills, people. (Or, if you've read the recent Rolling Stone cover story, you sadly know that Heidi's "office" is practically a loaner for days that MTV wants to shoot, but we really don't want to get into that. SUSPEND DISBELIEF!) Kimberly recovers enough to ask Heidi what Spencer will think of her new Las Vegas job, and Heidi says she doesn’t care. Why would she? It's not like she'll be working or anything.

Back to Audrina and Alkaline Trio, whose lead singer bears an uncanny resemblance to Daughtry. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Also, their song sucks. And why do drummers always wear such stupid hats? Lo and Lauren stop by for like two seconds to say hi, and then leave abruptly after Lo spends the whole time on her BlackBerry. Audrina’s work friend points out that it was rude, and Audrina looks Audrina-ish (meaning vacant yet hurt). Lo and Lauren then go to a conveyor-belt sushi place. Awesome! We LOVE conveyor-belt sushi. So long as it doesn’t poison us, which sometimes it does. They have some inane conversation that is too boring to recap about how Lauren feels conflicted about treating Audrina so badly, and Lo doesn’t. Shocking.

Stephanie visits Heidi in her apartment, and Heidi is still wearing that stupid scarf she’s been in all episode. It’s 85 degrees out, Heidi! Actually, maybe it’s colder than we suspected, because Stephanie is wearing the most offensively ugly shearling boots we’ve ever seen. Without tights. We hate L.A. Heidi tells Stephanie about her new job and how she needs to clear her head. Stephanie responds, “In Vegas? In Sin City? That’s where you’re going to clear your head?” Our thoughts exactly; good work, Stephanie. Then she says, “If you leave, I’ll never get rid of Spencer.” Stephanie, you’re pretty funny!

And now, folks, what you’ve been waiting all week for … the cutest puppy EVER! Lauren and Lo impulse-adopt a sweet dog named Chloe (we'll assume the girls named the pup sans umlaut), and though we’re not for grabbing pets before thinking about whether you’re mature enough to have one (they’re not), that puppy is cute enough so that we understand why they did it. What we can’t understand is how they use such an adorable, innocent creature to make Audrina feel even worse! Yes: The puppy is just another power play. They say the dog has “two mommies,” completely excluding poor Aud, and in return, the dog bites Lauren and won’t let go. Way to go, Chloe.

Back at the Pratt pad, Stephanie and Spencer are fighting about how messy her apartment is and how Spencer needs to move out. He maturely calls her pathetic, to which she replies, “You’re calling me pathetic? You’re living on my couch, Heidi doesn’t want anything to do with you…” Spencer interrupts with “LA-LA-LA-LA I’m not listening!” And then we fast-forward the rest of the scene, because we can’t stand to watch what a dick this kid is. Can someone tell us what happened?

We move on to Audrina and Justin Bobby (hooray!) exiting her chateau. You can see JB’s chest hair poking out of his low V-neck shirt. Gross. Audrina makes the JBster toast while she complains about how mean her friends are. She mentions how she "chose" to live in the backhouse because she doesn't like to share her clothes and makeup, and we think there’s some revisionist history going on here, 'cause Audrina definitely didn’t choose to live there. Also, what’s with the MASSIVE butterfly tattoo on her neck? Trash-y. Justin counsels her to find a new house, and our boyfriend finally looks up from his computer and says, “Yay for Ricky Bobby!” It’s “Justin Bobby,” boyfriend, but whatever. Then JB feeds Audrina some nasty-looking food. At least someone's being nice to her!

We end the episode with Heidi rolling up to the Van Nuys airport in a Bentley and getting on a private plane to Las Vegas with Brent and company founder Sam, who is such a creepy, dirty old man that we don't even know where to begin. You can practically see the drool on his chin as he eyes young Heidi’s plasticine bod. He’s also wearing a vest and tie, which is confusing. They all chat about how angry Spencer’s going to be when he finds out Heidi left, and this is quite an unprofessional scene; Kelly Cutrone would never care about such matters (speaking of, where is Whitney?). We cut to Spencer, on his way to Heidi’s apartment with a bag. But guess what? She’s not there! There’s an American Tail–like montage to close the episode, with shots of Heidi looking out the airplane window and Spencer searching her apartment in vain. Somewhere out there, guys! You’ll find one another; we’re so not worried.

Next week: Audrina goes apartment hunting, and Spencer goes to Vegas to win back Heidi! Gee, wonder how that's gonna go. And now, time for the Unequivocal Hills Reality Index!

As Real As Lauren Is Awkward
• The puppy! It's not a stuffed toy, and it's really going to be too much work for these flighty girls.
• Lauren's guilt over how Audrina's being treated. She's actually not as horrible as Lo, but she's easily manipulated to do Lo's bidding. Lauren, grow a pair and be nice to your friend Audrina!
• Sam the creepy owner of Heidi's company. That dirty old man shtick can't be faked.

As Fake As Heidi's Boobs
• Audrina's intention to go apartment hunting. Yeah, right — as if she's ever moving out of that house and away from the cameras.
• Spencer's attempt to find Heidi in her empty apartment. His "disappointed" face needs some work.
• Heidi's "promotion." Are we supposed to believe that she's employed enough to just waltz in and become a project manager? Pshaw. —Emma Rosenblum