Well, well: Miss Tyra threw us a curveball! Instead of handing the America's Next Top Model title to the stunning size-nothing Anya, Tyra anointed Whitney, the plus-size dark horse who is not just the only girl with boobs and a booty to win, but the first even to get as far as the abroad episodes. Still, even though we gave Whitney the longest odds, we're not that surprised — after all, Ms. Banks is nothing if not an Issues Girl. (We can see it now: an entire episode of The Tyra Banks Show about Whitney's success, wherein the audience is forced to wear unitards with their BMIs printed on the ass.) But the question is, was Whitney really the best? Did she genuinely deserve the big win and all its riches?
Heather: Score one for the sentimental favorite. Do you think Whitney actually earned it, or was it just Tyra's time to make history?
Jessica: It is hard to separate the two. Not to take anything away from Whitney, who IS lovely — but if she and Anya had been the same size, Anya's stronger overall portfolio might have won out. I don't think Whitney only won because she's larger, but this time I think it helped.
Heather: I think if she were talentless, she'd have gone long ago. For all their weirdness, the judges are pretty good about putting decent models into the finale. Even Naima had pretty-enough pictures that we initially thought her win made sense. Of course, we ate those thoughts later like a rack of ribs.
Jessica: Oh, sure. But you can’t deny that the time was nigh for this show to crown a plus-size winner.
Heather: It definitely helped. It had to — size is Tyra's pet issue. Hence the fat suit.
Jessica: And it's not like there aren't millions and millions of women who can relate to being a little "juicier" than your average model. I'm sure CoverGirl is very aware of that.
Heather: The first part of the episode had NO tension in it, though. At that first judging Tyra didn’t even TRY. The girls walked in and she goes, "Hi. Okay, Whitney, you're first." Like, "Hurry up, bitches, my burger's getting cold."
Jessica: I know. I had a moment where I thought, "She has so already made up her mind."
Heather: Luckily the rest was full of our favorite chestnuts: Tyra ragging on actresses, Tyra demonstrating the subtle differences between looking at the camera and LOOKING at the camera, Tyra talking about eating…
Jessica: I especially enjoyed the moment when Miss J was like, "OF COURSE WHITNEY HAS ISSUES! SHE SO FAT!" And Tyra had to step in and be like, "She is only MODEL FAT. Not REALLY fat."
Heather: Now that's a PSA in the making.
Jessica: I do think I've learned a valuable lesson. I'm not sure what it is, but I know it's valuable.
Heather: Maybe it has to do with that squinty thing Tyra demonstrated. Or Paulina Porizkova telling Anya her photo made her look like she's stupid.
Jessica: I just love Paulina. She is as amusing as Janice but not as drunk. That WAS a surprisingly bad picture, but they all looked fantastic in the commercial.
Heather: Anya kinda blew the runway, though.
Jessica: I wonder if the dress hampered her. I know Miss J says there are ways around that, but we've seen lots of girls tragically hobble around in tight skirts at Fashion Week.
Heather: Whitney's dress almost tripped her every time she took a step, yet she kept it together. Anya let it beat her.
Jessica: True. But I agree with Paulina that Whitney was a bit too hammy out there. She needs to turn it down, and Anya needs to turn it up.
Heather: It's so accidentally tasteless of them to keep referring to the plus-size girl as a ham. I know they didn't mean an actual hock of ham, but still.
Jessica: Runway snafus aside, I think Anya could actually … you know, model.
Jessica: She was unlucky to be in a cycle with a viable plus-size girl at a point in time where you KNOW Tyra is chomping at the bit to make history.
Heather: Whitney deserves credit for being the first Woman of a Certain Size to go on the show and not have a breakdown, too. Usually the plus-size girls get booted for being untoned or suddenly not big enough.
Jessica: I'm happy for her, and I think this will be good for Fatima and Anya as well — frankly, they might be better served, career-wise, by NOT having the America's Next Top Model win hanging over them.
Heather: Oh, and by the way, Tyra should tip her new weaveologist — her curly hair in that first judging is exactly what mine looks like in all my cinematic daydreams, in which I wear fabulous outfits and break people's hearts.
Jessica: That is truly the highest compliment a girl can pay.
Heather: That hair is MY life as a CoverGirl. As opposed to my current life as a Hot Mess.
Jessica: Tyra looked kinda great this season.
Heather: Except when she was singing or using awful accents. This was totally the season of Tyra forgetting that the reason her album tanked is that nobody wants to hear her sing.
Jessica: How dare you say such things about "Shake Ya Body"?
Heather: I'm not pretending it's not on my iPod.
Jessica: I am listening to it right now.
Heather: Whenever Tyra would sing the judges' intros, or the critiques, or any one of a million other things she trilled every episode this cycle, I would think, "This is it. This time she really has lost her mind."
Jessica: I do think this was the season where Tyra fully gave in to her secret wackadoo side.
Heather: I both love it and fear it.
Jessica: I can’t wait to see what she unleashes in the next one.
For more of the Fug Girls' awesomeness, check out their entire archive.
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