Even Without Clooney, Sarah Larson Climbs the Ladder

We should've known things were heading south when he let her leave the house wearing that unfortunate dress. Photo: WireImage

Despite all the sturm und drang surrounding George Clooney's breakup with former waitress–reality-show contestant Sarah Larson, we're too cynical to think that anyone — much less Larson herself — was truly surprised. Now, we're not saying Larson didn’t love him. How could she not? We do, and we haven't even been to the villa. (Yet.) For all we know, they're both crying into a pint of Ben & Jerry’s right now. But you can't change what Mother Nature herself hath wrought, and anyone with an Internet connection knows the drill by now: The sun rises in the east, the Earth rotates on its axis, and George Clooney romances an interchangeable string of tall, slender brunettes he will never marry, no matter how many overly optimistic anonymous sources crow he's settling down at last.

So why bother putting herself through the drama of a relationship that was probably doomed before it began? Because, win or lose the Cloons, Larson was still guaranteed to come out ahead. To illustrate this, we'll employ a little system we call the Al Reynolds Scale of Social-Ladder Climbing. Assuming a value of zero represents Larson’s notoriety prior to hooking up with Himself — back when she was just a wannabe catwalk queen slinging vodka tonics in the modeling capital of the world, Las Vegas — let's see where she ranks now that she's gone through the George Clooney tunnel of love and popped out the other side:

She's no longer just That Girl Who Ate a Scorpion on Fear Factor: Plus 10

She is now just That Girl Clooney Dated: Minus 11

Can play the wounded angel: Plus 20

Was Livin' La Vida Georgie for a year, and therefore knows the joys of having a butler bring you a cold Diet Coke on the shores of Lake Como: Plus 50

Must give up La Vida Georgie and move back to Sin City until she parlays this newfound quasi-fame into something, like a stint on Dancing With the Stars: Minus 15

Might actually have to DO Dancing With the Stars: Minus 10

Hey, Dancing With the Stars beats being the next Bachelorette: Plus 5

Modeled at Los Angeles Fashion Week and got the picture in all the tabloids: Plus 15

Modeled at Los Angeles Fashion Week and got the picture in all the tabloids: Minus 15

Had to deal with innuendo that she was actually a hooker: Minus 18

Conversely, had to deal with innuendo that she was actually a beard: Minus 14

Hey, if it's good enough for Katie Holmes…: Plus 3

Attended the Oscars on the arm of a nominee and had the world's most renowned designers tripping over themselves to provide vintage and one-of-a-kind couture: Plus 30

Somehow still picked an ugly pastel thing reminiscent of rejected pattern for a Fabergé egg and now has to live down the photographs: Minus 17

Can finally take that photograph off the nightstand: Plus 5

Can replace it with clipping of her photo from People's 100 Most Beautiful People issue: Plus 20

May only have made the cut because they boosted it to 100 people from 50 two years ago: Minus 5

Still, who cares? Don't bite the hand that feeds you fresh PR: Plus 10

Total: Plus 63

As we see it, Larson's landed on the upper tier of the Semi-Famous Yahoos Who Attend Store Openings and Maxim Parties category. That's definitely a step up from eating insects on national TV and dreaming of the day Prince Charming will belly up to her bar and order a White Russian. So chin up, Sarah. Broken heart or not, bear in mind that we alone have just typed your name more times in one column than we have in our entire lives. If that's not a silver lining, we don't know what is. —The Fug Girls

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