We were surprised enough to learn that Jessica Simpson was Elle's best-selling cover of 2007 (of the past seven years). Now she's scored the mag's September issue this year and, having seen the cover, our frown lines are only deepening — this is not the month to have one of the most awkward covers of the year. Here's what irks us.
1. Simpson's outfit is not glam. At all. We get that she's a country singer now and the sexy-lumberjack look is meant to cement her new image. But this is the cover of Elle. There has to be some shiny fabric on there somewhere, and that pink flash of bra doesn't count.
2. Her face doesn't look like her face. We can't quite put our finger on what's making her look so off, but we find it enormously distracting that she appears to be using her tongue to compensate for a lack of lower teeth.
3. It looks like an animal ate her left thigh/ass cheek for breakfast. How else to explain why she looks so caved in over there? She may wobble, but we doubt she actually stands all gawky like that.
4. Her hair is wider than her hips. No matter how thick and luscious Simpson's locks are, there is no way they surpass her hips in fullness. This is a good thing. The girl is known for her curves. Help her flaunt them, Elle! Don't digitally slice them off! There's nothing wrong with women who look like, well, women, after all.
Most Viewed Stories
Portraits of Privilege: A Teen Demands Mac ’n’ Cheese
Staving Off Cynicism at Comme des Garçons, McQueen, and Céline
‘Weed Dick’ Is the New Way for Men to Sexually Disappoint You
How to Get Out of Any Party Conversation
Maybe Refrain from Tweeting 'Kill All White Men'
Charging My Phone in the World’s Most Beautiful Abercrombie
9 Books We’re Reading Right Now
Why Do I Jerk Awake Right As I’m Falling Asleep?
Amber Rose, Populist Slut Hero of Our Time
From Our Partners
Here's What To Buy From J.Crew's HUGE 75-Percent-Off Sale!
11 Struggles Every Girl With Glasses Will Understand
Demi Lovato's 'Vanity Fair' Photo Shoot Is Totally Nude, Totally Natural, And Totally Woah
Boobs Over Belly Buttons Brilliantly Shuts Down Body Shaming
powered by PubExchange
Latest News from The CutMan Calls 911 Because His Girlfriend ‘Wouldn’t Give Him Any Ass’
Extreme entitlement at its finest.A Renovated Paris Apartment With Its 18th-Century Details Left Intact
Despite the fact that the Sixth Arrondissement apartment was “completely destroyed,” interior designer Juan Montoya was taken with its 14-foot ceilings and two “wonderful doors” that open onto a terrace.Ask Polly: How Do I Show Him My Dark Side?
Just unleash your dragons.Watch the Louis Vuitton Livestream
Enjoy!Instagram Would Totally Free the Nipple If They Could
Blame Apple!Libertine’s Designer Once Faked a Note From Cher
And other anecdotes from his new book.Maybe Refrain from Tweeting 'Kill All White Men'
We know it's hard.See All the Street Style From Paris Fashion Week
Rihanna, Salma Hayek, and Phoebe Philo were among the peacocks.Karl Lagerfeld Won’t Offer Himself Up to Science
He says researchers have approached him about testing his DNA.Charging My Phone in the World’s Most Beautiful Abercrombie
French Abercrombie really is different.
In an excerpt from her new memoir, lawyer Roberta Kaplan describes how she first crossed paths with Edie Windsor and Thea Spyer.Lame U.S. Constitution Doesn’t Even Protect Sex Parties
What's the First Amendment even for, anyway?Even in Death, Grandma Will Not Stop Burning Alex Rodriguez
Never stop sassing.Staving Off Cynicism at Comme des Garçons, McQueen, and Céline
A counterpoint to luxury-mongering.Chrissie Hynde Doesn’t Care If You Buy Her Book or Her Version of Rape
She's a rock star, not a spokesperson.9 Books We’re Reading Right Now
From brand-new thrillers to classic nonfiction.Cate Blanchett Wore a Hot-Pink Suit
Barbie, is that you?Why Is My Poop Green, Goth Whopper?
Black food has an unexpectedly bright side.The 50 Most Memorable Bangs Ever
From Audrey Tautou to Zooey Deschanel.All About Chanel’s Airport-Themed Show
Paging Mr. Lagerfeld!