As if sensing our fatigue with its omnipresent marquee show, MTV has released a fresh, tear-stained trailer for The Hills designed to convince everyone that its premiere next month heralds a whole new thorny web of intrigue. And we're trying to feel excited, but we've been burned before: Last season devolved into boring retread conversations and anticlimactic three-word confrontations. So pardon our cynicism, but we're fairly sure this teaser — with its taupe love interests, melodramatic one-liners, and ruined mascara — is less a jumping-off point for awesomeness than a souped-up Cliffs Notes reel full of false hope. But to be sure, we ran the trailer through our internal Hills montage-defragging machine to try to interpret the actual path of these "plot twists" — watch for yourselves and see if you agree with our analysis.
THE CONTINUING DOUCHERY OF SPENCER PRATT
What they want us to think: A new obstacle — Heidi's sister — threatens Speidi for good.
What's really going to happen: They’re worth more together than apart, so we expect this is just another manufactured obstacle from story-line purgatory. We foresee many repetitive episodes of Spencer whining before Heidi's sister eagerly agrees to leave (seriously, would YOU want to live with them?). Then he and Heidi can resume bad-mouthing everyone else, once again demonstrating that Heidi is the only person in the world who could yell that much at an asshat who totally deserves it yet remain totally unsympathetic.
LAUREN'S LOVE TRIANGLE
What they want us to think: Drama queen Brody suspects Stephanie Pratt is plotting to steal Lauren’s new boyfriend, Doug; the scandal is punctuated by a trip to Vegas on Doug’s private plane, during which L.C. wears a romper and Doug and Brody wind up in jail.
What’s really going to happen: We do see Stephanie out with Doug, snarking that Lauren can’t “dictate all [their] lives” — proving Stephanie's really never seen this show before — as well as a moment where she cries while Lauren acts self-righteous. While it’s possible that Stephanie is a backstabber (she is a Pratt), we suspect she had a latte with the guy in 2003 and Brody is stirring the pot because he wants screen time and/or enjoys emotionally manipulating Lauren. Also, “jail” is surely code for “the drunk tank at the Palms.” Unfortunately, the romper is legit.
WHITNEY GETS A NIBBLE
What they want us to think: Love blossoms for the only cast member with an actual job … but the guy lives in New York.
What's really going to happen: The flirtation with the cardboard male model (they both attended USC — OMG, destiny!) goes nowhere, because Whitney's only function is to hang up clothing at People's Revolution while quizzing Lauren about her problems. However, it lays the groundwork if L.C. nixes another season of The Hills, and MTV needs to give Whitney a show where she hangs up clothing at People's Revolution in New York and quizzes a bunch of socialites about their problems.
FURTHER ADVENTURES IN JUSTIN BOBBY
What they want us to think: Audrina dates a Justin Bobby look-alike; Justin Bobby burns with jealousy.
What’s really going to happen: Justin Bobby won’t really care (or even remember), and while Audrina should move on, the likelihood that anyone on this show will make an intelligent romantic decision is about equal to Heidi’s chances of winning a Grammy.
LAUREN, AUDRINA, AND LO SORT OF HATE EACH OTHER
What they want us to think: Lo plays the bitch to Audrina, while Audrina and Lauren’s relationship further deteriorates, much to L.C.’s weepy dismay.
What’s really going to happen: Remember when Lo was a tertiary character who occasionally told Lauren to dump her cruddy boyfriend du jour and then left? We miss that Lo. Given what a pill she seems like now, we're pretty sure Lo actually is mean to Audrina, and that Audrina rightly plans to ditch these chuckleheads as soon as possible. Hey, even a stopped clock is right twice a day. —The Fug Girls
Most Viewed Stories
Everything We Know About Brad Pitt’s Plane Incident
It’s Time to Get Over Your White Feelings and Start Taking Action for Black Lives
25 Famous Women on Being Alone
Jaden Smith on the Many Subtle Flavors of Water
Kim Kardashian Might Vote for Donald Trump
22 Intimate Lost Photos of Marilyn Monroe
If You See Brad Pitt As a Fallen Hero, It’s Because the Rules Have Changed
Kylie Jenner’s Getting Sucked Into Tyga’s Debt Problems
Taylor Swift’s Squad Begged Kim Kardashian for Mercy
Bask in the Glory of This Dramatic Email Sent to a UCLA Freshman by Her Future Roommate
From Our Partners
powered by PubExchange
The Cut’s Latest Fashion FeaturesCiara's Wedding Dress Was Too Big for the Chapel
To be fair, it was a 13 foot-long dress.You and Rihanna Will Both Want to Invest in Dior’s New Bag
It's got something for everyone.Polo Shirts Have Turned Their Back on Ryan Lochte
Along with his other major sponsors.Ryan Lochte Will No Longer Be Paid to Wear Tiny Bathing Suits
Speedo remains committed to transparency.Laura Brown Is the New Editor-in-Chief of InStyle
After 11 years at Harper’s Bazaar.Tyra Banks Is Going to Teach a Class on Smizing at Stanford
"If I see somebody not paying attention, I’m gonna call on them."This Floating Pier Is the Most Zen Installation Ever
Walking on water in Italy.Nation Is Appalled by Matt Lauer’s Nude Ankles During Ryan Lochte Interview
What’s the opposite of “Jeah”?8 People at the Life of Pablo Pop-up Explain Why Kanye West Is a God
"I mean, Kanye West is just Kanye West. There's not more or less you can say about Kanye West. He's just Mr. West!"A T-shirt Is Enough
Simplicity, versatility, and cool. What more could you want?
She took a perfect pencil dive off a 30-foot yacht.American Apparel Is Being Sued by Former Workers
As the company considers putting itself up for sale.A Gendered History of the Tailored Suit
From Marlon Brando to Coco Chanel.How Zendaya Developed Such Great Style at the Young Age of 19
The star's best looks from Disney to now.Proof That If You’re Chic Enough, a Little Federal Investigation Doesn’t Matter
Is this the best they could do?5,300-Year-Old Mummified Iceman Probably Would’ve Been a Street-Style Star
He had several different looks and was “pretty picky.”J.Crew Has Identified 226 Shades of Pink
Even more than there are shades of gray.Gigi and Bella Hadid Merch Is Now Somehow a Thing That Is Happening
Today in Hadidiana.Gird Your Loins for the Return of Yeezy to New York Fashion Week
The season approaches.This Indie Brand Had a Great Response to Ivanka Trump
When she bought one of their cuffs, they donated the proceeds to the Clinton campaign.