Drama on The Hills Strangely Akin to That of Middle East

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Maybe we were just in a bad mood last night, but, oh boy, was this episode worthless. At least last week we had some amusing Lo-Audrina feuding going on — this episode was basically a rehash of season three’s drama, complete with Spencer’s unfortunate facial hair and evil laugh. (Wow, we ARE in a bad mood; end-of-summer seasonal depression must be kicking in.)

So we open with Lauren and Stephanie chatting in class (“Take out your magazines,” the teacher instructs. Ah, fashion school). Stephanie tells Lauren about her upcoming birthday party; Stephanie doesn't know if Spencer and Heidi will come (yeah, we bet she has no idea), but she's betting they won't since they haven’t spoken in weeks and “drama follows them.” There’s that title-worthy zinger. “I don’t know if it follows them as much as they chase it,” counters Lauren. She follows this with a pensive L.C.-patented stare. She’s deep, you know.

Lauren then goes on a lunch date with Doug, who’s looking hotter than he did last week. But oh dear, he sounds even dumber: “You look nice today. You look pretty. Gorgeous. Love it. Love the white,” he tells Lauren, all in one breath. Relax, dude, or your head will surely explode. And then, what do you know, his pretty head explodes from the effort of this conversation! But worry not, for he is coming to the birthday party. That's Doug's role on this show: Attend Lauren's friends' awkward birthday parties.

On to Whitney: At a People’s Revolution work dinner, Kelly Cutrone is being her awesome self, meaning she’s humiliating employees on national television, wearing some sort of black shmatte, and frowning. As usual, she targets that annoying chick Jessica. “It’s MY company,” Kelly says, as if that’s in question. Whitney looks scared shitless. Don’t worry, Whit, you won’t be fired — Kelly’s ties with MTV run too deep.

Stephanie’s party is under way, and the bar looks severely underpopulated, probably because every location on this show has to be cleared before filming. Which is good for shopping but sucks for a party. Lo is wearing, um, a costume from the sixties? She looks like a drunken divorcée from Mad Men. The exaggerated swept bangs, the too bright red lipstick … yuck. She and Audrina have a bitchy exchange, which does make us laugh. ‘How are you?” asks Lo. “I’m good,” says Audrina. “I’m glad we talked,” says Lo. Heh. And then — surprise, surprise — in walk Heidi and Spencer. Everyone leaves, including Brody, Frankie, Lauren, Lo, and Doug. Spencer has balloons and laughs maniacally when he sees everyone “bounce.”

The next day, Spencer and Stephanie fight once again about her friendship with Lauren. We are so bored of these scenes. The highlight comes when Spencer equates his feud with L.C. to the conflict between Iran and Israel. And HA-HA-HA-HA. Dude knows his current events, so long as he can relate them to himself.

Back at People’s Revolution, Kelly is yelling at everyone. Why, why, why doesn’t this woman take the time to bleach her teeth? This is MTV, for chrissakes. Their ashy color makes her look positively European among the Angelenos. She tells Whitney that she fired Jessica and that Whitney is her replacement. She tells Whit that she’s going to be bi-coastal, and there’s the spinoff news you all were hoping for.

We end with a school scene with Lauren and Stephanie, talking about trustworthiness or something. We don’t know; we fell asleep in the middle of it.

Next week: Lauren dumps poor Doug, and Whitney gets a hot new boyfriend. It better be good, or we’re going on strike.

And now, The Unequivocal Hills Reality Index:

As Real As Lauren Is Awkward
• Lo’s misadventures in retro fashion. She thought that look up all by her lonesome.
• Spencer’s thinking that his life’s troubles rival the problems of the Middle East. Of course he does.
• Whitney’s fear of Kelly. We’re scared of Kelly THROUGH THE TV. Imagine how poor Whit feels.

As Fake As Heidi’s Chin
• Stephanie’s party planning. She (and MTV) obviously knew the Pratt-sters were coming.
• Doug’s dialogue. There’s a tiny microphone lodged in his ear, feeding him wooden lines like, “How is things with you and Audrina?” Though we bet that grammar error was all his own.
• Whitney’s promotion. Sorry, Kelly, you’re not letting a 23-year-old run your L.A. office, and you know it.