You know how sometimes when you go out drinking, you do things you wouldn't do if you were sober? And the next morning, you wake up feeling kinda dirty and vow to never get that drunk again? It's always a groundbreaking revelation, and you feel like you're on the verge of a whole new put-together chapter in your life. Well, we had a similar feeling this morning, but it wasn't brought on by drinking. It was caused by The Hills, and those of you who turned to MTV multiple times throughout the day yesterday know what we're talking about. The Hills flowed like Champagne at Fashion Week (God bless that, however) in a mind-numbing marathon of Lauren's favorite moments and greatest feuds or whatever the hell the past three seasons have brought us, packaged into special programming in preparation for tonight's season-four premiere. Sponsored by Us Weekly, naturally.
As we watched the marathon, we started feeling a little angry because we realized nothing ever happens on this show, which would be forgivable if Lauren Conrad and her frenemies didn't take themselves so damn seriously. We know Lauren does because she always looks so sad, as if her bursting fame has permanently shattered her once-vivacious spirit. We know Heidi does because she now sees herself biblically. Yeah, really. She told the Chicago Sun-Times of her feud with Lauren:
"There were rumors about a sex tape, but I had nothing to do with that. God knows the truth in all of this, and at the end of the day, that is the only thing that matters. Jesus was persecuted, and I'm going to get persecuted, ya know?"
Yes, Heidi Montag and Jesus Christ's situations were practically the same. Montag added she "always felt this crazy connection to God," has been religious since she was 2 years old, and wants to release a Christian album.
When we read all this after having watched the marathon of The Hills greatest non-moments and realized just how seriously Heidi still takes herself, we just wanted it all to go away. When Jesus gets involved, you know it's all gone too far, so we've vowed to lay off The Hills this season and inaugurate a whole new chapter in our lives. But sadly, just like those alcohol-induced promises to ourselves, we have a sinking feeling this one will last only until someone offers to buy us a drink. Sigh.
What a friend we have in Heidi [Chicago Sun-Times]
Most Viewed Stories
The Blaze Has Permanently Banned Tomi Lahren
Orange Is the New Black’s Samira Wiley and Lauren Morelli Had a Funfetti-Inspired Wedding
Huma Abedin Is Reportedly Giving Anthony Weiner Another Shot
Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner’s New Neighbors Are Justifiably Annoyed
United Airlines Gate Agent Made Teens in Leggings Cover Up
Uber Execs Went to an Escort Karaoke Bar in Seoul: HR Complaint
The Girls Pregnancy Plotline Says More About Us Than It Does About Hannah Horvath
Am I Cheap If I Hate Splitting the Check Equally?
These Women Started a Company to Teach White People How to Be Less Racist
Let’s Not Call Obama Stylish Just Yet
The Cut’s Latest Fashion FeaturesCiara's Wedding Dress Was Too Big for the Chapel
To be fair, it was a 13 foot-long dress.You and Rihanna Will Both Want to Invest in Dior’s New Bag
It's got something for everyone.Polo Shirts Have Turned Their Back on Ryan Lochte
Along with his other major sponsors.Ryan Lochte Will No Longer Be Paid to Wear Tiny Bathing Suits
Speedo remains committed to transparency.Laura Brown Is the New Editor-in-Chief of InStyle
After 11 years at Harper’s Bazaar.Tyra Banks Is Going to Teach a Class on Smizing at Stanford
"If I see somebody not paying attention, I’m gonna call on them."This Floating Pier Is the Most Zen Installation Ever
Walking on water in Italy.Nation Is Appalled by Matt Lauer’s Nude Ankles During Ryan Lochte Interview
What’s the opposite of “Jeah”?8 People at the Life of Pablo Pop-up Explain Why Kanye West Is a God
"I mean, Kanye West is just Kanye West. There's not more or less you can say about Kanye West. He's just Mr. West!"A T-shirt Is Enough
Simplicity, versatility, and cool. What more could you want?
She took a perfect pencil dive off a 30-foot yacht.American Apparel Is Being Sued by Former Workers
As the company considers putting itself up for sale.A Gendered History of the Tailored Suit
From Marlon Brando to Coco Chanel.How Zendaya Developed Such Great Style at the Young Age of 19
The star's best looks from Disney to now.Proof That If You’re Chic Enough, a Little Federal Investigation Doesn’t Matter
Is this the best they could do?5,300-Year-Old Mummified Iceman Probably Would’ve Been a Street-Style Star
He had several different looks and was “pretty picky.”J.Crew Has Identified 226 Shades of Pink
Even more than there are shades of gray.Gigi and Bella Hadid Merch Is Now Somehow a Thing That Is Happening
Today in Hadidiana.Gird Your Loins for the Return of Yeezy to New York Fashion Week
The season approaches.This Indie Brand Had a Great Response to Ivanka Trump
When she bought one of their cuffs, they donated the proceeds to the Clinton campaign.