Muscle-y!Photo: Getty Images
And she's off! Madonna's "Sticky and Sweet" tour began Saturday night in Cardiff, Wales, and the Daily Mail reports the stadium was "far from full" (really?!) but Madge's routines were "nothing short of breathtaking." She underwent eight costume changes, playing a "pole-dancing, break-dancing cheerleader" and a "gypsy singer with a traveling band of minstrels." Her custom-made threads were designed by Jean Paul Gaultier, Miu Miu, Givenchy, Stella McCartney, Yves Saint Laurent, Moschino, and more.
She's been getting a lot of criticism for not being able to find a look for her current album, both on and off stage. We're not sure we'd call the "Sticky and Sweet" costumes cohesive (though they all exquisitely displayed Madonna's outrageous 50-year-old muscles), but they were characteristically surprising in that "is she really going to sit with her legs open while wearing that" kind of way. And what could be more fun on a Monday morning than taking a judgmental look at some of them? At left Madge rocks a progression of the leotard. The bra she's got on underneath is lacy in kind of a dowdy way, but we'd say her thighs are buff enough to offset that. And it's hard to see here, but she's wearing fishnets. We can't help but love that even if we hate it.
This is perhaps the most conservative look from the show. We're digging her Britney Spears–ish do and her elbow warmers, but not how it looks like she has Bibles in her quilted pants pockets.Photo: Getty Images
We don't really understand the gypsy number on the left here. The neck-bust area is delightfully festive and on trend with the necklaces but the flowy see-through sleeves are confusingly medieval. The custom-made boots in the center here are amazing. The fringed dress, however, looks like something a Project Runway contestant might try to pass off as a figure-skating costume. On the right, we are in love with the crystal-encrusted football-player shoulder pads, because only Madonna would come up with that and pull it off.Photo: Getty Images
Sorry, but we hate these shorts. They're entirely uncreative and only remind us of ninth-grade lacrosse practice (which we loathed).Photo: Getty Images
On the left we can see how skimpy that fringed non-skirt really is. Just in case any of you forgot, Madonna at 50 has a better ass than you ever had/will have at 25. On the right, we find it distracting and irritating that Madonna looks so fierce while her female backup dancers look like badly dressed ravers who forgot they were supposed to wear neon.Photo: Getty Images
Ahhh, it's the awful gym shorts again! But Madonna does look cute here. Almost a little too cute. An astounding display for a 50-year-old.Photo: Getty Images
Here are some better-dressed backup dancers. The top hat-long-gloves cabaret thing is just goofy enough to work.Photo: Getty Images
And hello! In case you can't tell, these are male backup (har) dancers. Only Madonna would find a way to momentarily draw more attention to their asses than hers. Equal-opportunity exploitation!Photo: Getty Images