When You’re in The Hills, You'll Never Be Friends

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Aaaaand we’re back! We’ve spent all summer waiting for this very moment, and it’s actually here, like finally seeing your long-distance boyfriend. Or going on that long-planned trip to Italy. Or getting married. Yes, people, the premiere of the fourth season of The Hills is right up there with your wedding day. To our as-yet-to-be-determined future husband: Sorry, but it’s true. Okay, on with the recap. Feel the rain on your skin!

We open at People’s Revolution, where Lauren and Whitney are talking and, um, staring at jeans. Lauren tells Whitney that they’re throwing a birthday party for Audrina (providing the requisite "party scene" later on in the show, obviously), and also that she has a date. A date! Whitney’s face contorts. Lauren explains that back in the day she went to this kid’s prom with him. “Oh my gosh,” says Whitney. “Such a small world.” From now on, we’re counting how many times Whitney says “Oh my gosh” per episode.

We've landed at Bolthouse, where Heidi and her work "friend," Kimberly, are chatting on a couch. Heidi says her sister is coming to visit, but she’s not excited, because her McDoucherton boyfriend just moved back in and she hasn’t told him yet. We’re sad we didn’t get to see the actual move-in, when Spencer just took his stuff out of the closet and from under the bed … since they NEVER ACTUALLY BROKE UP. Whatever, we’re over it. Does Heidi have a Birkin? She does! My god, Hermès is going down the tubes.

L.C. goes on her date with the funnily named Doug, who looks a little like Ryan Reynolds, complete with too-close-together eyes. He’s a total idiot, but so is she, so it kind of works. “What have you been doing for the last four years of your life?” he asks her. HILARIOUS. Lauren hasn’t been up to anything special, Doug, we swear. Just normal becoming a reality-TV superstar/starring in a sex tape/not really in college/starting a fashion line/becoming a millionaire stuff. Before they even get their drinks, he asks her if they can go out again, and we smell a Hills hanger-on! Lauren invites him to Audrina's birthday party, and he's in. Yay.

Cut to Audrina's fiesta: Doug walks in wearing a sleeveless Lakers jersey. Ew: Never trust a guy in tank top. L.C. doesn't pay too much attention to him for the rest of the party, so there you go. Then Audrina’s punk friends roll in: There’s a guy with a huge mohawk and a guy with an earring that takes up his entire ear. Lo is turned off by the freak parade, of course, and Lauren tells her to “be the charming and friendly Lo that I know and love.” Wait, who’s that? Lo responds by going upstairs to be antisocial and play with the dog. But wait — JUSTIN BOBBY HAS ARRIVED. We are SO happy to see him. He’s wearing a leather jacket with writing on it, and he immediately tries to throw Audrina in the pool. That guy really knows how to make us laugh out loud.

Back from commercial, Heidi's sister — who now has a whole new set of horrible hair extensions, thanks to her big sis — is leaving town. She suggests moving out to L.A., as she doesn’t have anything going on in Colorado (good work with your daughters, Montag parents) — Spencer looks pissed, and now we have another plotline for the season.

And here’s that climatic talk, worthy of this episode's title. Lo has to confront Audrina; she says Audrina’s not making an effort, and Audrina says Lo is mean and that she and Lauren gang up on her. Audrina’s priceless, heartbreaking line: “I have friends that treat me good and I feel included and you don’t do that.” Awwwwwww. She has friends that treat her good! Even though she wears shirts that say "Hyper Crush Sex." Then she says, “We’ll never be friends.” Lo seems taken aback by this display of confidence and ends it with, “I’m going to leave you to your place.” She is such a snot.

Next week: The return of Stephanie Pratt! We can’t wait. We hope she and Holly become Hills-star-sister friends and conquer the world together.

And now, time for our Unequivocal Hills Reality Index!

As Real As Lauren Is Awkward:
• Sadly, Heidi’s Birkin.
• Lo’s disdain for Audrina’s lifestyle. Can you imagine Lo and the mohawk guy even having a conversation? She’d never stoop so low.
• Audrina’s grammar. Even an MTV writer wouldn’t have her say that her friends treat her "good."

As Fake As Heidi’s Face:
• Heidi’s hair, first thing in the morning. We know a blowout when we see one, missy.
• Doug. He was crafted from various celebrity body parts, in a lab, to be Lauren’s new “love interest.”
• Holly’s visit/surprise revelation that she’ll be moving to L.A./hair.